How do I deal with this! HELP!
Hey everyone if you know my story you know BM² has been bugging DH to pick up SS after 5 years of keeping him away and bashing my family and especially me and my kids cyberstalking me and writing hate blogs on me and our kids every chance she gets for the past 6 years. Anyway DH has decided to go through with visitation and pick up SS in a couple of weeks (which I get a bad feeling about) you see everytime he tries to see SS or manages to see him BM² starts acting like a b*tch before or after the visit. I'm currently 7 months pregnant and she has no idea. When she found out about me being pregnant with DD and DS she went super psycho and started trying to say that I get pregnant when my relationship with DH hits the rocks (which actually she did that) or she tries to physically fight me to make me lose the baby (which what she tried with DS). It's hard for me to look at SS and not associate him with the hell BM² has put me and DH through with her death threats and crap. I know it's not his fault and I don't want to tell DH how this is making me feel because I know he will change his mind about picking him up because he doesn't want me to feel uncomfortable and then I will feel like I'm no better than BM² when she kept SS away for so long. I know there will always be consequences and something for her to b*tch about no matter how much fun SS has with us. Please don't judge me. I know what I'm feeling is wrong. And DH wants us to do things as a family + SS with us or not with him at all he doesn't want to go pick him up alone and we were advised my an attorney to go as a united front so BM² will have to learn I'm going nowhere regardless of the b.s that's happened in the past 6 years.
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I really don't know what to
I really don't know what to do!
I don't want to feel
I don't want to feel uncomfortable around SS but it's hard not to given the circumstances with his mother.
He is 5 years old and doesn't
He is 5 years old and doesn't even know DH is his father because BM² has told him her boyfriend is his father.
So, who does he think DH is?
So, who does he think DH is? Does he know him at all? How weird is this going to be?
He thinks he is BM²'s special
He thinks he is BM²'s special friend but his older brother who is not DH's knows that DH is SS's biodad he is 13. DH has seen SS about 8 times SS's whole life. It's going to be very weird and I am dreading it.
Well, I certainly would be
Well, I certainly would be wondering what she is up to after 5 years of denying visitation. I would have a bad feeling, too. Do you feel there is an ulterior motive here?
I guess just see how it goes and if she starts any crap, don't pick him up again. It is sad that they put the kids in the middle like this. You are not wrong to feel the way you feel.
Yeah I do feel like she wants
Yeah I do feel like she wants DH to spend money on SS but DH knows better than to do that given the fact our kids need clothes and we are having a baby in October and haven't bought anything yet. SS's bed broke so we are buying her a new one this weekend and might even be buying DS the Spiderman bed he wants and some clothes for the both of them and maybe some baby clothes too.
I have no I'll feelings or
I have no I'll feelings or jealousy towards SS he is just an innocent child whose mom lied to get him brought into this world (see my previous blog)
That's okay I'm not mad I'm
That's okay I'm not mad I'm just ugh the woman got the child she wanted with DH without DH being smart and now he has inflicted her on everyone
Can I just say You are
Can I just say :jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop:
You are definitely not wrong in feeling the way that you do. My jaw literally dropped when you said that BM tried to get you to lose your baby
And with BOTH your pregnancies??? I would have gotten a restraining order right then and there! Can't someone else go with DH to get your SS instead of you? Especially if you're pregnant and given BM's violent reaction to you in the past, it would be much safer for you AND DH would have a "witness" with him. How did you not file some sort of assault charges on her? I'm not judging. I'm just confused how you could let her get away with even setting one hair on you...
And I have a 5-yr-old myself who's quite smart in his way (he notices things we don't think he does)...How can she hold back a 4-5 yr old from his father, say that someone else is his dad, then all of a sudden say "OK son, you're going to stay with THIS man for awhile"??? It IS going to be weird. But if his mother keeps it up, SS is going to have some resentment towards her in the future if he ever finds out.
I know it's hard NOT to associate SS with his mother. I deal with this every other weekend. Because of our BMs nastiness, I have some kind of resentment towards my skids because I can see her in them, in what they do and how they act. It's hard. The best thing you can do is to just treat SS with respect and kindness - that way, if he goes back to his mother and tells her things, she can't hold anything against you.
Dreamer, First,
Dreamer,
First, congratulations on the pending baby. That is wonderful news and a great blessing on your family.
As for my opinion, keep in mind that I have no common experience to reference since I have never had nor can I have the emotions, endorphins and protective feelings associated with being pregnant nor have I experienced life with a pregnant wife. My wife and I have never had another child other than our son (my SS-19) due to severe pre-eclampsia/toxemia during DWs first pregnancy and hormonally induced severe blood clotting.
That said, your situation is an extremely difficult one IMHO. No matter what you decide you will likely not feel particularly comfortable with it. My call in your situation would be to engage with your DH to welcome SS to your home and fully include him when he is enjoying your half of his family. No matter how big of a manipulative whorebag POS BM2 may be, your DH is SS's dad and as such is the contributor of the deep and pure end of SS's gene pool. What BM2 does as the contributor of the shallow and poluted end of SS's gene pool is not SS's fault. While he is visiting engage him in your pregnancy and support his relationship with his sisters. He is afterall your kids' big brother.
That is not to say that you tolerate any crap from BM2. Don't, not now and not ever. Kick her ass if she so much as thinks about being a bitch or confrontational. Not physically unless of course she physically confronts you and your DH. Your attorney is bang on in his advice IMHO. You do not allow BM2 or BM1 or anyone else for that matter to dictate when and if you are with your DH and for sure you do not tolerate any physical, verbal, written or character assaults on you, your husband, your children or your family. I was at my wife's side during every court case, until witnesses were excluded, then I was at the window behind her. She knew I was there an the dipshit SpermIdiot knew I was there. He knew that I was watching his every humiliation in front of the judge during every court case and he heard my statements, opinions and comments when I was on the stand. I was the PITA that he could never get away from for 17 years.n When he was reasonable and when he kept his manipulative skank of a mother under control, he and I had no problems. When he failed to be reasonable and to keep SpermGrandMa in check, he suffered every wrath I could bring down on his worthless POS ass. I suggest that you and DH come to a joint agreement on a similar approach. When BM2 is reasonable, keep the pain to a minimum, whe she steps out of line, bring the pain and bring it hard.
If she threatens or jeopardizes the life of your children, born or unborn, put her ass in jail.
This this is not just a battle, it is a war and it is long but it is winable. We had to learn in the first couple of years of our marriage, when SS was 1-3yo that the SpermClan was toxic and vitriolic and they were going to remain toxic and vitriolic no matter how nice and accomodating we were. DW hesitated to keep her foot firmly up their asses because she did not want them taking their crap out on our kid when he was on visitation. I finally had to put my foot down and point out that they were taking it out on the kid regardless and with no consequences for their crap. Since accomodating and nice were not working it was time to apply consequences forcefully and consistently. That is what worked. When they bitched we kept smacking them with the CO, when they deviated from the CO we smacked with the police or with a comtempt filing, when they got really shitty we filed for for an ammendment of CS.
Even though your DH is the NCP for your SS with BM2 he can use the same tools. When one side of the blended family equation is toxic that gives the reasonable side significant power to apply the CO and all other legal means to beat the toxic half in to submission. The key is consistency, forceful response to any crap, insistence on reasonable behavior from the opposition and proactive management of each and every detail associated with your time with SS to minimize any negative impact BM2 has on SS and the rest of your family.
I am sorry that BM2 is taking away from the bliss of your pregnancy. However, if you do not keep the message clearly in front of her that no shit will be tolerated then you are giving her power over you and your family. Never allow that to happen.
All IMHO of course.
Good luck and best regards,