Don't take this the wrong way, but by checking his phone constantly, you are showing that there is a part of you that doesn't trust him. It's something I think a lot of us that are becoming, or already are, stepmothers go through. I know I had trouble trusting DH at first because I had it in my mind that if BM snapped her fingers he'd be turned into a BMbot and go running back. I hate to say this, but you HAVE to learn to trust him to make some of his own decisions. He needs to set his boundries with BM. And then you two need to sit down and talk about your comforts/discomforts with some of the things she does. Unfortunately, you will never be able to control the BM relationship. He has to make all those decisions himself, you can influence those decisions, but he is the one who mated and dated her so he is the one who has to decide how many bricks and how high of a wall.

You cannot really change the BM's boundary-infringing behaviour - and your bf sounds as if he is handling it fairly well - being firm with her.

If you trust him completely, I think that you should stop crossing boundaries yourself by looking at his phone messages, and leave him to deal with her. I completely understand why you don't like what she is doing, and do not think it is petty, but you, personally cannot address this with her, he has to.

This can be a slippery slope and I say this from experience. when DH and I first started dating, I quickly caught on to the fact that BM#2 seemed to call/text him (what I thought) was an awful lot and normally about stupid things that did not pertain to SS13. I let it go for a bit, and then I eventually addressed the problem with DH. DH swore he wants NOTHING to do with BM, he just tries to play nice as it's easier than fighting with her. (which is true) She is one of those people who is nice as pie as long as she is getting her way, but Gawd forbid, she be told no, or if thinks that DH is being snarky with her, then all hell breaks loose and I do mean ALL HELL! Like you, I trust my DH explicitly, I KNOW that he would never get back together with BM, hell they split when SS was about 6 months old and he's now 13.. so if DH wanted to get back together with her, he could have done it many times before he and I even met.

I think you have the same problem I do, in that you can't control what BM does and honestly neither can your SO to a point. He can tell her not to call, not to text, but it doesn't mean that she will. Your SO sounds alot like my DH in that he just tries to keep the peace. Where I think the convo should have gone more like "No, I already had lunch and don't think it appropriate that you come and hang out at my house" DH would never say that because BM would take it as an attack and she would attack back and WW57 would break out and DH tries to avoid that at all costs.

The slippery slope comes into play where DH and I have gone round and round about this so many times that he now just doesn't tell me for the most part when he has a convo with BM. It irks me somewhat, because sometimes I feel like it's sneaky, but on the other hand, I am good with it....because I have found in this case, the less I know the better. All my jumping up and down, ranting and raving, crying and pouting is NOT going to stop BM from doing what she will and it just gets DH upset with me So I choose to let him handle things with her, his way and be done with it.

I guess you need to decide which way you want it... do you want to know every stupid time BM calls and what for etc. or do you want to extract her from that space in your mind that she is residing in?

She is completely disrespectful and being a typical skanky bitch to try and worm her way back into his life and use the kids as pawns to do so!!! You have EVERY right to be upset and want to address these issues with your BF!!! You and your BF NEED to have an honest heart to heart and let him know how you feel and what you see this woman doing.
If he loves you; he will hear you out, respect your feelings (even IF HE DOESNT AGREE with them...that is the key) and make every effort to put a STOP to his ex trying to get back in his life via text, phone calls, showing up for lunch etc.
He NEEDS to make it CRYSTAL CLEAR to his ex that his only obligation is to his daughters NOT HER!!! She is just like a child, if he is not totally consistent with her in telling her to back off and to ignore anything not kid related then she will keep at it!!! This bs will not stop until HE makes it stop!!!
Yes, she is a grimey bitch who just wants to use her kids and the fact that he is their daddy to weasal her way back in the pic BUT HE AND ONLY HE can make this stop!!!

Stand up for yourself and tell him that this shit is not acceptable and it has nothing to do with you not trusting him...it has to do with HIM not putting her in her place!!! IF HE WAS DOING WHAT HE SHOULD BE DOING then you wouldnt feel uncomfortable about her because if you knew he was handling it then you would have nothing to worry about!!!

Keep us posted!!!

You need to back away from the drama. There are things you cannot control. The nicer you are, the less crap you bring up, the more he will gravitate toward you and away from her. Don't say anything about the phone, just leave it be. He is not going back with her, but the more you push him away from her, the more likely he will break things off with you, so back off. Be sweet as pie. You do not need to know what they talk about either. They now have a business/parenting relationship, keep your relationship with him all about *you two*, fun, light, sexy

I long for the good old days when texting didn't exist. So much less tension with people spying on each other anticipating people are available 24/7.

Here is a novel idea. After the 'Thanks but no thanks I have lunch." he should have ignored her texts. There was no need to text back little crappy remarks to each other. There is no law that says "You HAVE to text me back." My DD and her exBF are the opposite. She will text him regarding their daughter and he will not reply at all. Now she will add at the end "If I do not hear fROm you in 6 hrs I will assume this arrangement is OK with you."

Your BF allows this woman and her mother into HIS home. Not your home. HIS home. The pots and pans ... well a little presumptive but maybe they had extras and better to pass them on to someone who can use them. If they bought them for him... OK this is a territory thing. She is showing you that you will have to deal with her for some time. And it doesn't matter HOW much you love her kids they will always be hers and not yours.

Checking his phone means you do not trust him and want control. Everytime you check his phone you should tell him. "Honey, just checking your messages." Now say that out lousd to yourself. And now imagine it is him saying ti to you? how would you feel?

There are 2 rules to live by .... both sorta related... We allow people to treat us the way we want to be treated and treat others as we would want to be treated ourselves. The whole 'do unto others...' Your distrust is something you need to live with and get over. Yes they had sex and have twins. Nothing you can do can erradicate that. It is part of history.

I would discuss boundaries and not get so snotty about him having guests over. Do you really think she will jump him with her mother there to watch the kids while he is recovering from knee surgery and he will realise SHE is the one all along? Once you work out boundaries and he seems to be OK with his present situation then you can move one with your lives. Right now I would not move in because this will become a big pissing match and your relationship will suffer and ultimately BM will win by driving you form his life with your jealousy and distrust.

The reason BM gets to play dirty and be a snot-headed ass-muffin is because she can. She already has an at least 18 year attachment to your BF. You on the other hand do not. To her, you are like the sponge in the sink she's been waiting to throw out. But by playing nicey-nice, keeping your mouth shut (to her and the twins), you are seeming to be the most patient person in the world! Voice your 'opinions', feelings and concerns to your BF (but don't use anything accusatory and don't beat down BM to him, it will only anger or annoy him, that's what STEPTALK is for Trust me, I don't think it is ok for the two to be together alone (even if the twins are there) either. But like I said before, he is the one that needs to establish that boundry and he needs to be firm with it. It might take him a while to lay down ground rules. Hell, I think some of these ladies would agree it could take YEARS for him to learn how to lay ground rules with BM OR his kids. If you honestly feel you can be in it for the long haul, you are in for a lot of keeping your mouth shut to BM and trying to be Princess Pleasant. Fighting with BM gets you no where and if she is truly evil and vindictive, she may use your fighting as an excuse to withhold his kids from him. And don't fret, there will come a time when the word vomit comes spewing out and you can't stop it (if you read my blogs, I think I have a conversation disorder, I'm starting to have word vomit too frequently with DH). All us ladies (and gents!) have been through the 'step-atizing' or are about to go through it. As a collective, I think we can offer plenty of support!

I remember those days except DH's ex was a little bit more honest about her feelings and nuts. She would text him about how she wanted to get back together and how she still loved him, stalked him for the first year of our relationship. It always used to piss me off when DH would respond to this texts with an answer that I thought was not blatant enough like I'm in a relationship now so you need to move on. He didn't want to upset the beast and throught that she was sane enough to get the clue. He learned that he was wrong on both fronts.

Things finally got so out of hand with her that he had to set appropriate boundaries which was basically going to non contact unless it an emergency. All other kid related stuff is be relayed via email. Things have gotten progessivly better other than the fact that anything is an emergency now and once she hears his voice she needs to talk to him everyday. Other than that he has gotten really good at setting boundaries in place and then maintaining them.

We fought a lot about him not doing what I thought was right and it did no good. I was upset that he was letting her disrespect me and did nothing about it and he being a typical guy just didn't want to deal with the drama. It took him realizing that he needed to set the boundaries before anything happened.

I think that you should take the approach of talking with your BF about what makes you uncomfortable and why it makes you feel that way and then back off. Let him figure it out for himself. It sounds like he's already light years a head of mine at that stage in our relationship. On a side note, you do have every right to be upset. You, I, and everybody that has half a brain knows what she's up to and it's completely normal to want to protect what's yours.

Just an FYI,

Even if she does get married that doesn't mean that she's going to stop this behavior. F!cktard got married last April and she's still doing crap like sending DH a card in the mail stating that if he needs anything to just let her know after his grandfather passed away. I wanted to call her a$$ up and tell her that if DH needs anything he'll be coming to me, his wife. Needless to say that card went straight into the trash when I got home from work. Even though she's married, she still can't let go.

And if you would like to know exactly what I went through with this lady let me know and I'll tell you the full story. DH never thought that it was going to get that out of hand and you can maybe pawn my story off to your BF as something that a friend told you about another one of their friends just so he can see why appropriate boundaries are necessary with women with no morales.

I know exactly where your coming from, sometimes I wish bm would just explode. Your lucky though at least your not dealing with a heroin addict with multiple personality disorders (she's a whole bag of crazy). If you ever need to vent feel free to message me I've have a lot of experience dealing with crazy, jealous, obsessive, obnoxious, lazy, spoiled you name it she's it lol. Good luck though hun hang in there!