Pee was at wrestling camp Monday through this evening. While his mother is busy taking his father to court to get blood from a stone for her to resume receiving alimony despite a brilliant idea manufactured by none other than the lovely Mrs. #1 to 'earn' an associates degree in EVENT PLANNING! whilst already having a master's degree and state license to practice social work, I parcel out which bills to pay or not to cover pee's expenses. Anything my husband takes pride in paying toward his own child's needs is scrutinized by the Mrs. as justification that rather than support his own children, of whom he has full custody and pays all expenses for he should be pay for her to bathe herself in her inability to be happy and live life and he should pay for her pursue that noble endeavor.
My husband has never been able to mentally consider seeking any money toward supporting his remaining minor child from her. She's never paid a dime, never inquired or cared about her own son's needs. I spend more on her son than I do my own two. To be fair, that is largely due to age differences and the needs of a teenager versus children who are just happy to be with me.
And she has a pencil neck attorney that she would rather blow her several hundred thousand dollar settlement from my husband on (Plus, the money she alleges she needs in order to avoid a diet consisting soley of hot dogs (honey, you don't know how to eat hot dogs) for continuous alimony until all the stars in the universe are dead) than drag her dumb and sagging ass out of her throne of self pity and get a job.
Maybe as a well paid mental health professional. Maybe as a frivolous little party planning girl afraid of confronting the fact that beyond planning birthday parties for her children before they were too old to voice any of their own thoughts and feelings about anything is where her ability to live vicariously through her own children was aborted. 'Dunno.
Eventually we'll get to golden showers and how lovely they are.
I know my husband reads my posts. I don't like it, I don't like the indirect prices I pay. I have been silent for quite awhile.
There were things which occurred in my marriage with him dring this time. Definitive things.
Another reason I became silent is because the depth of bile I found myself puking out was astonishing to me, and horrifying to me. The person I saw reflected in my blogs, messages, posts, whatever, is someone that hurt all the time, and had no hope. I felt disgust at myself, my rage, my willingness to let it go mostly undirected by anything good or higher.
I continue to have my deals, my struggles. Who doesn't.

But something miracuous happened that I believe in two days before our first wedding anniversary. I had gone from raging at my husband about what he had allowwed princess to do to us, to him, to me, to my children, to his son and all others she comes into contact with to focusing with him on this one thing: I did not trust him anymore.

My series of hijacking him into diatribes by me became focused upon this single thing. I felt I had 'made progress' as us therapists like to note because my focus had moved away from princess, my rage had dissapated. I could sometimes discuss all the horrible things she has done without reliving them.

Except I was, it was coming out differntly than it had.

It came down to trust. My belief in what I had lived. Which I do not question. It is real, and always will be.

Two days before our first wedding anniversary I talked to him until 5:00am. He wanted (and oh, God, I undersand this) several times to end the conversation. I did not stop telling him things. The next day, he shared with me his innards. He let me see the deepest parts of him, the spirit which drives him and his own understanding of it, how it has driven him both positively and negatively.

I believe he is not capable of allowing anyting he has influence or control over to hurt me again. I believe he has changed in a fundamental way in the sense of understanding that I am person who trusts rarely and deeply, and himself at least as much so. He has taken on the duty of protecting me from the things he has control over hurting me. Now, most of life is beyond any of our ability to understand, let alone control. But he won't let anyone hurt me. Life will give what it will, we and everyone must accept that.

I feel safe with him again, which I have not felt for over two years. I have faith and belief in myself, my judgment. I understand some of the rage I have had toward him. I trusted him intuitively and I am nothing without my intuition, my ability to know things. It is my compass in life.

So, Golden Showers.

pee went to wrestling camp Monday. Returned tongiht, just by virtue of my husband's holding things together for pee. My husband teaches through role modeling. He has patience. Last summer pee blew several thousand dollars after we signed him up to a different wrestling camp and he, just, well, judged the camp as stupid and wanted to come home after two days.

Wrestling camp again this summer. Golden showers on the horizon, I was worried. pee thinks he is intrinsically superior to any other human being outside the radius of his former hometown. He believes it is his purvey to mouth off, instruct adult officials, his own coach about wrestling calls. He thinks everone out here is by nature retarded. Sometimes, I think about how I put my heart and soul into the legal battle that went on for two years to have my sons attend school in this district. My ex was so bitter about it, he called most of the therapists at my clinic and said such damaging things about me to them I am suprised any of them stayed. Thank God some of them just called him back on the phone and challenged him on it, and he was sheepish. And then all the mediation, the comparision of state wide test scores, blah blah.
Bottom line, pee's wrestling team out here is very serious. And you tell me what farm boys can do to city boys on a wrestling mat. I chuckle. That, I think, is part of why he is so pissed off. He views himself as a wrestling rock star and they chunk him onto the mat, varsity former super former suburban staus forienger asshole guy or not. He can't cut it with the farm boys. They know how to work, pee wants it all just handed to him by virtue of his old ties.

pee about blew it at this camp. The coach wanted my husband to drive hours and hours away to pick him up. pee had altercations with officials, his coach and would not get out of bed the second full day of camp. Mind you, camp was FOUR days. Let's hold it together, yes?

So pee is being verbally abusive to everyone at camp. Attitude, isolating, needing to be coddled like a rock star. After all, he's from his rock star former suburb. What the hell ever. I grew up here, and the suburb I attended school at dismissed his as trashy because it was too close to the a certain part of a maor city here. It's just all a matter of perspective. I didn't know or follow anything with sports in high school, I was too busy listening to music and hanging out in the library, but I heard things, so this stupid rivarly nonsense is just whatever version of boys becoming men caveman shit. Perspective.

His coach wanted my husband to come and get him. My husband said no, that is not possible due to other obligations and that he did not believe it would be construtive. He coached the coach regarding his son. My huband is about twenty years older than the coach and was also helping the coach develop. My husband has such a gentle and unseen hand when he chooses to touch someone that they eventually resond, yikes, look at me. He can also withhold what those around him know he is capable of, and they will lash out at him out of fear of not having him. But no one holds him the way he holds others. That's another issue.

Three days of intense drama, pee doing his stupid best to get himself kicked off a prime spot on the varsity team. You wanna know why? He is now outspokenly trying to ultimatum his father into moving back to their former city. It, really, is just another version of princess now. pee thought he was just being patient for a year, he thought he would be going back, I don't know why beyond fantasy.

So it was all tense and shit tonight coming home, pee is back from camp. He has lost the respect of his teammates, the coach truly does not like him, my husband is trying to keep the weave together. While at camp, pee demanded my husband retrieve him. Ten hour round trip.

We hap a huge routine chart audit at the clinic, Ive lost days with my children where it is my parenting time and each hour feels like a little death to me for missing them, my husband has been there. My husband and I have been putting into twelve hour days, the audit went so very well, I am so happy with it. But we were noodles tonight. I bought champagne that we never opened. Even if the golden showers had not fallen upon me, my soul, my eyes, I don't know if we would have. I'm exhausted and there is a very full day tomorrow of just good routine stuff at the clinic.

So pee texted his dad to 'choke on dick' when his father would not drive 10 hours round trip to get pee out of a situation he created himself. He abused my husband verbally to no end. He called my home a 'dump.' He called this and the neighboring town 'dumps.' He said he is sick of it all and he has tried for nearly a year and his father must move back to their former home with him. If my husband does not, he will go anyway. And on and on.

A basic condition of pee re entering life here after his sabatoge of wrestling camp was apologies all round. I put in 17 hours yesterday, 12 today, my husband not much less, and he was the ambassador that warms my heart and validates to me why he is an internationally known person in the field and made the auditor feel good about the job the auditor did and gave her quality clinical questions to bring back to the insurance company that are in the interest of the client.

My husband had communication from the coach indicating non-disaster. My husband's first communications from his son's came via text. My husband has left voicemails and texts, messages with the coach. pee wanted hardee's. No? Well, how about dominos?

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

Okay, all calm, how to handle this in a truly, not just overtly, controlled manner.

Now
He was I am feeling the anger I've kept at bay for hours, and hours and hours. So much to do, my children to care for, my husband to care for. NOW I am free to feel it just a bit. I have to be back in session in just a few hours and I just want to break free for a day, even half a day. There has been a lot.

not in the least communicatively aware of the care his father had given him while he was away at this goddman camp. He had the nerve to bitch at his father and I sent pee a text that took up the whole of my phone's ability to have a text that was being constructed before being sent. My message was see yourself, see others, understand. Those were not the words, you can only talk to teenagers in terms of self interest, unless you have a rare and special young person. pee is not.

He pleaded for me to come down to his room to talk. I put him off for a few minutes and I told him that I would talk with him but that none of the words would involve attack upon his father, that I did not believe in it.

He was sitting in the dark, I sat on a straight backed chair. I became what felt like a visitor of foriegn territory. This kid sees things so weirdly in my opinion. The only way I can boil it down is that he expects rock star treatment wherever he goes. He thinks he is just this super star wrestler, amplied by 100 now that he's existing in a sepic dump tank. He can only talk of of how others treat him with disrespect and I could only point out to him siutations, examples, relationshps that demonstrate that no one is disrespectful to others than him.

So he needed to reduce me. And he was successful. "This isn't working. Can you just get me a cigarette."

I don't play psychologist with anyone. I will relate genuinely or not at all. I put a long amount of time and emotionally expensive energy into dealing with pee.

Big huge golden shower.

He has the most fundamentally fucked up kids I've ever seen. pee is not a rock star, and I would not do him the disservice of treating him as if he were even if he was.

Unexpected to me, I felt so reduced when he said that. I had direct and honest with him about how people react to people that treat them as less than. And then he used what I had said him in faith and earnest to hurt me how he could in the moment.

I said, "No, I'm not your . . . " And I could not speak anything else. I am in my private bathroom, have been for over two hours now writing.

pee's golden showers will not rain on me.

I spent hours relating to this person