Second update from facility and call from Ss
We are now getting updates about Ss through email from the school because hearing it over the phone was upsetting. The email said that Ss is eating only a few bites at every meal and refusing to finish it. Luckily he has stopped throwing up. He is still crying and refusing to get out of his bed all day. And he had a bad nightmare last night that needed two nurses to help calm him down. He has not spoken a word to anyone there.
My Dh read the email and his face was just frozen. I am getting really worried about him. He has even cancelled his appointments with his therapist. I read all your comments on my previous blog and agreed with you guys. Even telling our families in very vague terms would break Ss's trust. I told my Dh this and he agreed (thank goodness).
Ss called again this morning. Both of us worked from home. We want to get the time slot changed but they say its full. He calls and we put him on speaker so both of us can talk to him. The first thing he said was "I am asking you one last time, are you getting me out of this hell-hole", crying at the same time. My Dh says no, obviously feeling very upset. Then Ss said "F*** all of you" and hung up. At first we thought we got disconnected so my Dh called back. The nurse said he hung up and went back to his room. My Dh looked extremely disappointed.
I am feeling so nervous about seeing Ss this Sunday. And my Dh has been acting very differently. I kissed him and he didn't even kiss him back. He has been very quiet. I hope he becomes normal after some time. Even my kids are noticing 
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We have seen this cycle
We have seen this cycle before. It is progressing much faster this time round though. Next I predict he just shuts down.
Thank you bookishworm.
Thank you bookishworm. Before, when we tried a therapeutic school, they told us to bring him back home because he was simply not eating. And he was getting himself constipated because they were shared washrooms. This time we specifically picked out a facility where he has his own washroom.
It took him a week and a half of begging us and crying before he stopped talking to us too. This time it was only after the second phone call. We are so scared.
Well, maybe if he is
Well, maybe if he is progressing this quickly through the anger, he will be able to move on to the healing faster... :?
Well last time, it ended with
Well last time, it ended with Ss shutting down completely. Just giving up. Not even getting out of bed in the morning. I hope this time will be different.
Maybe, only time will tell.
Maybe, only time will tell.
You have a large group of BELIEVERS here praying for you. I believe in the power of prayer.
Give it time praying. This is
Give it time praying. This is all still very new to all of you. I really feel like you have to give a a real chance, and that won't take place until SS softens a little and actually involves himself in the healing process there. Have you talked to his counselor there to get their opinion? I am sure this is not uncommon for their facility. See if you can find out some statistics as far as results for resistant patients.
BSgoingon has a point. I
BSgoingon has a point. I think it might help to get some of those statistics and hear some experiences the staff has had with resistant patients. You really are doing the right thing for him. I honestly feel that if you give up and let him come home you are giving up on his recovery.
Just remember what another poster said, make it your mantra: You love him enough to let him hate you right now.
We did tell the facility Ss
We did tell the facility Ss is particularly stubborn. They were honest. They told us unless the child accepts the help, nothing can be done about it. And a few children went back home because the facility could not make any headway. But they do try their very best. So it wasn't too comforting. Especially because of how difficult Ss can get.
He does hate us now, which is why I am nervous about seeing him. I just wish he knew how much we loved him.
Try to stay positive. Believe
Try to stay positive. Believe that he is going to understand eventually. It won't happen as fast as any of us would like (obviously) but stay strong. Really this is the best thing for him. It is the best thing for you. I know you are nervous about seeing him. But maybe it will help if he sees that this is hard on you too.
Praying, you are doing the right thing. You and DH are not equipt with the skills and knowledge to help him. You two are in need of as much help (almost) as SS is. You have to give all of you time to heal, time to process what has happened and time to figure out how to move past all of this.
I have faith in your situation. I just have this feeling inside that you all are going to be ok. I don't know why. I don't know you, I don't know 100% of the situation, but I have this peace about it. You are doing the right thing. Just love on him as best you can when you get to see him. Keep the focus positive and keep on PRAYING!
Thanks bsgoinon. I hope your
Thanks bsgoinon. I hope your feeling is right.
I agree with BSgoingon too.
I agree with BSgoingon too. It would probably help to speak to someone from there and get some reassurance this is a normal phase the patients go through when they first arrive.
You've done the right thing getting him the help he needs. He's been through such a traumatic event. As difficult as this is for both you and your DH, keep on with BSgoingon's mantra.
You love him enough to let him hate you right now.
There is so much wisdom in that sentence.
Why are you and DH going to
Why are you and DH going to visit SS so soon? He is still angry and hasn't time to settle and establish any routines yet. I think you guys should wait and go visit him after several weeks or a month. This will give him time to get over his anger and adjust to his new surroundings. If you meet with SS now, he will continue to make you and DH feel guilty about this decision and do everything in his power to convince you to bring him home.
I speak from experience. My SS was in a therapeutic facility for several months before he actually opened himself up to the idea of getting help. He wanted nothing more than to move back home with BM, but finally realized he needed to get help or he would never be allowed to come home.
If your SS wants to come home, he needs to understand that he must get help first.
The facility said it would be
The facility said it would be better if we go every weekend (or just my Dh) and take him out for lunch. Because being in the facility all the time can get a bit much if you are a normal functioning child. No doubt we will feel guilty about it. We want to be very clear that going home is not an option. And the school doesn't want it too much of a shock to his system to be dropped off and not see us for so long. We are just going to do what they tell us. Because we have no clue
Our facility recommended
Our facility recommended monthly visits - some were just an evening out to dinner, and other times SS came home for a weekend visit (once he was on board with getting help). I just remember the first few visits where SS would beg us to get him out of that place. He would tell us stories about all the bad things that happened there (all grossly exaggerated) in hopes that DH would rescue him. It was very sad.
(((hugs))) Keep doing what you're doing. Sometimes doing the right thing is the hardest thing of all.
Ss never actually told us
Ss never actually told us about what specifically happened at the therapeutic school last time. Except in one very angry email. But he did plead with us. He was very very upset and sad and angry. He just wanted to go home and it broke my Dh's heart to say no. It is going to be like that all over again.
JustAnotherSM is right. When
JustAnotherSM is right. When I was looking at sending SD to therapeutic boarding school, every one of them had a policy where there was no phone contact between the child and the parent(s) for at least 2-3 weeks to allow the child to settle in and to avoid disrupting the new routine and no visits for months until the child completed a certain level of the program.
The one school I spoke to extensive had there was weekly updates from the school’s psychologist but only 10-15 minute calls once a week after the first phase was completed and visits after 6-9 months and the third phase was completed. I know your SS is dealing with bigger psychological issues, but my SD was sexually abused but having more defiant behavior and that was the best option for her.
You just need to trust that the staff knows what they’re doing and let them do their jobs without interfering with the process.
I think the fact that he is
I think the fact that he is expressing feelings says something. He has it in his mind that if he doesn't eat he comes home and doesn't have to deal with the entire mess. Hopefully someone there can make a connection with this poor child. I would assume in order for him to heal he has to deal with his feelings and let this nasty mess out of his system. I'll pray for that to happen along for your family.
Him not eating is the biggest
Him not eating is the biggest thing he does. It makes everyone scared. We have seen him not eat anything for an entire day and a half before. He just lives with the discomfort. And that's what makes him difficult. Other children will eventually give up and eat something. He will let himself starve if we let him.
A DAY AND A HALF? SERIOUSLY,
A DAY AND A HALF? SERIOUSLY, THIS FREAKS YOU OUT?
I know he is on the lean side but not eating for a day and a half is nothing. When he drags it out to 5 days I would start paying attention. And at this stage you get him committed and fed with a naso gastric tube whether he likes it or not. This is his weapon and as another poster said, he is pissed and angry and wants his own way.
In the short term it is probably easy to have him living at home and hidden away from society and only interacting when he sees fit. But in the long term he needs to find the skills to function in society on his own. Worst Case Scenario ... you and DH are wiped out in an accident on the way there, what then? he will have no home to come back to. No haven. No safety net.
Praying, we had discussed you
Praying, we had discussed you writing a heartfelt letter to him. Did you ever do it? I'm worried about the visit. What if seeing him cry, beg and plead for you to take him makes it difficult for DH to leave him there? I had put my son in a boot camp once. We were allowed NO CONTACT for 2 weeks while they broke him in. He was furious that I left him there, but I had to do it so he could get his life in order. Our situations do not compare, my son was being a jerk just to be a jerk. But I am worried for your visit, I think it's too soon and you need to not see him for a little while. I read your other blog and I really hope you decide to NOT tell anyone in the family what happened to your SS. It is not their business. Let them speculate, they are not in your shoes, they have no idea what you are enduring, they can go screw themselves. Again, I pray for you. I pray for your stepson, I pray for your husband. I pray that something finally gives. Do not give up. Write him that letter. His dad should do the same. Hugs...
Yes, we are writing the
Yes, we are writing the letters to give him this weekend. The facility wants us to do the visit so we are doing it. We are kind of letting them herd us along. I am halfway through the letter. I am not sure about my Dh. Last time we wrote him letters he tore them up and threw them away without reading them. Yes, I mentioned that we weren't going to say anything to our families. They said that being in the facility with no break is often difficult for a normal functioning child. There are so many disabled children there it is hard to get used to it at first. That is why they want us to come and take him out for lunch.
Ok, good luck. I am crying
Ok, good luck. I am crying for you Praying. I am so torn up by this horrific experience your family is dealing with. I wish I could find a way to help. I guess for now just telling you how deeply I ache for some sort of resolution for you. He CAN grow to a healthy adult. A survivor. So many have survived these horrors. If only he could see that somehow. Please keep us posted dear.
sorry for making you cry
sorry for making you cry unreakingreal. At this point, we don`t even want him to grow up to have a high-paying job or have a masters degree. We just want him happy again
I completely understand. You
I completely understand. You want him to smile. You want him to KNOW that it was NOT his fault and that he is worthy of LOVE and happiness. I know...we will keep praying. All of us...
I hope you are seriously
I hope you are seriously expecting him to repeat the tearing up letter thing? It is his way of controlling his environment. My purely amatuer opinion is that by tearing it up it hurts you. And this controls his environment. He can control SOMETHING. The trick is to get that control focused into something positive rather than destructive.
Yes, we are fully expecting
Yes, we are fully expecting him to rip them up again. I don't think its as much a control thing as it is to spite. To show us he hates us. But him not eating I feel is a control thing like you said.
I agree. Visiting him will
I agree. Visiting him will only make him hurt you more which means he concentrates on you rather than getting the help he needs. He may shut down but how long can he hold you all hostage because he doesn't want to move ahead and recover?
There comes a time when you stand and say "We love you. We want the best for you. But we will not allow you to swear/curse at us. That is unfair. You are safe where you are. You have good meals. You are safe."
I get the idea he knows how to push buttons and control his environment. If he shuts down he gets to go home. It is all in his own personal survival skills handbook. Shut down and you survive or get your own way. I know he has been to hell and back. But by shutting down he gets to go home and then you will pay the price and you will never let him leave again.
Letting him come back would
Letting him come back would be a very bad idea agree. It is becoming a vicious cycle. I just hope that this time he will accept the help. I really do.
Praying, I am concerned about
Praying,
I am concerned about you leaving the facility with him. Have you thought about just taking lunch in and using a private room or maybe an outdoor shelter? What about if he tries to run away while you are out to lunch. You will also have to go through the trauma of taking him back to the facility after lunch.
Just my thoughts. You do what you feel is best. I am sending prayers, blessings and peace to you and your family.
We did think of that. The
We did think of that. The facility said they would let us take Ss out in public depending on how he behaves. At this point, we will be doing whatever the facility says. We are completely clueless about his.
Here is my fear for you and
Here is my fear for you and your DH Praying, you are going to go see him, your going to take him out in public, and he is going to haul a$$. Disappear on you. Poof. Gone.
I would wait 2 weeks before seeing him. Keep the visit at the facility, bring Subway or whatever his favorite fast food is with you and eat at the facility. When he starts begging and pleading hold a hand up and tell him "No." Believe it or not, that is a complete sentence.
Before you leave that first visit, your DH needs to make it clear to his son, active involvement with therapy x 4 weeks and he will get lunch out. Active involvement in therapies/ activities x 6 months for a weekend home. No waffling, no letting the kid see him upset/ waffling/ crying.
Your SS isnt terrified. He is pissed. Pissed that he is not getting his way. He uses eating and communication with you and your DH as tools/ weapons to fire up your emotions so he can manipulate them and get his way, again.
These are learned behaviors. He has been taught they will work and they have. Time for the puppy to be retrained in a few areas.
Before you dismiss the fear of him running: I am sending you a PM, please read it.
>>>>>>>>>>tell him "No."
>>>>>>>>>>tell him "No." Believe it or not, that is a complete sentence.
Can you please teach a class on this? No, without an explanation? No, without a "kid approved" reason? What is this "no" that you speak of? I love to tell me kids "no, because I said so" before they even ask WHYYYY...
I think you might be right though, maybe you and DH should give it one more week before you visit. Have you considered that at all Praying?
I am worried too that he will
I am worried too that he will try to run on the lunch out.
Also when my mom had to go in a nursing home with her alzh., they told us not to visit daily at first, as it is confusing to the patient who then wants to leave with you, instead of getting settled there. It was awful to stay away but it apparently helps them get down to the business of getting better (well, you know what I mean).
Praying for you honey