Happy? Tell the truth.
If I had to guess, some of you are married to a spouse who has put his kids first in his life, before you or everything else in his life. For those of you who are in this situation, are you happy or is it a struggle to get through every day knowing that the time you spend with your DH is determined by what his kids are doing that day? In my case, it is his 16 year old daughter and 21 year old son. Daughter is a manipulative troublemaker, and son can take care of himself. We are engaged, but have had to put things on hold for the next 2-3 years until his daughter is out of the house. I understand dad's need to keep an eye on his daughter especially since she was sneaking out of their window at three o'clock in the morning and roaming around the city with a friend.
My problem is that he told me that his kids come first in his life and I needed to figure out what I wanted. He said this RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS SON!!!!! He says he made me his #1 priority for a year and missed out on a year of his kid's lives because of it. I can't help but feel like he's trying to punish me because his kids have put such a guilt trip on him. I feel like I'm totally being disrespected and taken advantage of. We spend about one night a week together since I told him it would be best for us if they moved. So, I guess this is now my punishment for holding him to his promise that they would move out if blending didn't improve. Thoughts?
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I think you are on the right
I think you are on the right track with your thinking. If he cannot make you the priorty (which by the way shows his kids how to have stable adult committed relationships)then you are always going to come in second.
How long have you been together?
I believe that his "kids" are old enough to know the guilt trip they are putting on their dad, and come on a 16yr old young woman and 21yr old man doesn't want or need to have such close ties to their father. The 16yr old should be at that separating age and the 21 yr old is an ADULT.
This is classic, but I think your SO doesn't realize his kids are going to move on and have their own lives and there he is going to be, alone.
I wouldn't wait. If he wanted me as his life partner- he better show it, and by that I mean now.
He is telling you essentially, that you are not that important to him.
By saying this to me in front
By saying this to me in front of his son, he basically gave his kids permission to treat me like shit and be disrespectful to me. His son currently works with him and is being trained by dad to do his same job. We MUST make sure son will be able to make a lot of money because that's the most important thing on this earth!
Sorry, but I live in MY house
Sorry, but I live in MY house that I bought with ONLY MY NAME ON THE MORTGAGE! I'm constantly surprised at the assumptions that are made on here! And yes, I pay the mortgage and all of the other bills in addition to feeding two teenage sons!
I'm not saying they don't,
I'm not saying they don't, but do they have to be the topic of every conversation when it's supposed to be our time together? Is it not rude to sit through dinner texting them and talking to them on the phone while we're trying to have an evening alone?
did you really have her
did you really have her confused with someone else? i ask because it seems to me that you have a constant ASSumption that all sm's are lazy and offer nothing to the relationship, but greedily suck up dh's money while demanding that he turn his back on his kids. as if it's ever that black and white.
That's the way I feel too.
That's the way I feel too. His kids know how to manipulate him to get whatever they want. All daughter has to do is start acting like she's 6 again and play the "Daddy, remember when we.....wasn't that funny?" game and the "I love you SO much and appreciate everything you have ever done for me!" game, and dad's putty in her hands! BM hasn't seen the kids since daughter was 2. I love him and he loves me, but he doesn't think waiting 2-3 years until daughter leaves is that long since we love each other. We've been together a year and eight months. I don't like feeling like a dog trailing behind him waiting for him to throw me a bone when I wag my tail!
Personally, I wouldn't wait,
Personally, I wouldn't wait, but that would be the right decision for me. I don't want to come in second and if it is a priority for my DH/SO to show me he cares and loves me, then he does so now, not making me wait for scraps of attention.
If I were in the situation, I would live separately.
I'm sorry he doesn't see you as his top priority.
I agree with Stepintexas;
I agree with Stepintexas; part of his job as these kids' dad is to teach them how to have a committed adult relationship. He is failing in that right now, and it is his issue. I do think that you should give one last chance- try to tell him explicitly how you feel and give him the chance to figure out if he *truly* means what he said (which he absolutely should not have said in front of either skid). At that point you can only control what you do, and you'll have to decide whether leaving the relationship to search for a man who WILL put you first is YOUR priority, or if you can live like this. I am truly sorry that you're going through this. Hugs.
Where's Tom Brokaw when you
Where's Tom Brokaw when you need him?
I'm not married but my
I'm not married but my boyfriend and his son live in my house with my daughter and me. If i had had a crystal ball back then and knew what i know now, i would NOT have gotten involved in this relationship. Since yours has moved out, you are over the biggest hurdle...i say go ahead and jump over the next hurdle and tell him you are not going to play second fiddle .
DGB, I'm going to respond to
DGB,
I'm going to respond to your initial question...Am I happy in my situation as it relates to what you have posted? The short answer is "Yes". But, here's how it got there and it directly relates to your issues.
I am the DH of a wonderful wife who has put up with alot of being pushed aside "for the sake of the kids." We married 5 years ago with my promise to her that she would always be the most important thing to me in my life. Those were easy things to say but very difficult to carry out. We slogged through 3 years of disappointments and frustrations from the marriage that we expected to have together. Nearly everything that I did revolved around my 2 kids' activities and their wishes. I carried such guilt for not being an everyday father to them and, as a result, put them as most important in my life.
The result was that I was manipulated this way and that by the kids because they were smart enough to see their power over my life and used it for their benefit. My wife basically disengaged from me and them because I had placed so little value in her importance to me. If the kids saw that I was spending too little time with them and too much time with my wife, they would do or say something to disrupt the family. Mostly, it was acting out disrespectfully or defiantly which caused me to gravitate to them and away from my wife. I overlooked their behavior because I had become a "paralyzed parent" who thought that the kids would reject and hate me if I disciplined them.
A couple of years ago, I read a book (unfortunately I cannot remember the name of it) that talked about the two parenting styles: parentally-focused and maritally-focused. I read in horror the parentally-focused characteristics and realized for the first time that I was in that category. The psychological effects on kids (according to the book) were quite damaging from the parentally-focused model. I finally realized what my wife must feel like and understood why we were having such a difficult time in our marriage. Both of us were unhappy and I couldn't understand the root cause of it all. Why she had put up with my behavior I still don't understand. She may have been waiting for the right time to leave as many on this site talk about.
From that time forward, I have worked very hard to focus my life on my wife and not let the kids control what I do. It was difficult at first (especially for the kids) because it was such a pardigm shift. I told the kids that I loved them and that they were important to me but that my wife would come first. They were even more resentful and rebellious at first trying harder than ever to control me. However, over time they realized that I still loved them and spent quality time with them. They are now OK with it and are old enough to understand why it was needed. They both have apologized to me for their behaviors (and I have to them, too, for not being a good parent to them).
My wife was very skeptical that I could hang onto my new convictions to her. That was understandable because she was afraid of getting let down once again. She was guarded and kept her inner feelings to herself. As issues arose and it became clear by my actions that she was foremost in my heart, she began opening up to both me and the kids. She is now very happy and treats me better than I could ever hope or imagine. The scars are still there and always will be, but she knows that I will not abandon her under any circumstances.
Were we happy while I was putting my kids first? Absolutely not. It was the worst relationship setting imaginable. Neither of us relied on the other and did not fully trust each other. Divorce would have been inevitable.
Are we happy now that she is first in my life? Yes, happier and more reliant on each other than either of us ever could have imagined possible. We work on everything together as a team (even with issues revolving around my kids and her kids). No decisions are made without the input of the other spouse.
This issue is such a problem for males. I don't know why that is, but we have issues that must be hard-wired into our beings. The one thing that I do understand is the guilty feeling of letting our kids down because we are not always there to parent them (if we don't have primary custody). Even when we were with the BM we still didn't do the primary parenting because that was generally left to the BM. So, why is it so difficult on us whenever we divorce and leave that family unit? I don't know why but know that it is the way it is.
Good luck to you and I hope that you can find happiness.
Autopilot, Thank you so
Autopilot,
Thank you so much for your response. Everything you described is exactly what is happening in my relationship. Fortunately, I am not married to him yet, just engaged. I think my situation may be even worse because of the ages of his "kids". A 16 yr old girl who has only her daddy and big brother is HIGHLY VINDICTIVE! She hasn't seen or spoken to her mother since she was 2 yrs old. She stole my tanzanite and diamond ring, which I found buried underneath some of her old jewelry in a makeup box I had given her, told some of her friends (my good friend's daughter and another neighbor) that she was "fooling around" with both of my sons (17 and 19) behind my and her dad's back and that we had no idea what was REALLY going on at home. I didn't find this part out until after I asked them to move out.
My 17 yr old son had moved in with his dad. He was crying his eyes out when he told me he couldn't take SO's kids anymore. This absolutely broke my heart that my son who had lived solely with me for the last nine years would go live with his dad who had never treated him as well as he did his older brother. So now my son is still gone even though SO's kids are gone. He's like me. When my parents divorced, I didn't want to talk about it or deal with it. I just pushed everything deep inside and mentally distanced myself from both of my parents.
I spent 14 yrs in a loveless and emotionally abusive marriage because I had promised myself that I would never put my kids through a divorce. Turns out, I didn't have to make that decision. I had become so "cowed down" as he had told me that he just wasn't happy and wanted a divorce. He even told me that I was pathetic for trying to save our marriage.
That was nine years ago, but his words still burn me like it was yesterday. I've been put in second, third, and fourth place my entire life. My dad, who I had lived with when my two sisters left to go with my mom, committed suicide a month after my divorce was final. I started having panic attacks and my jaws would clamp shut when I tried to speak. My doctor told me that I was doing great because I was still able to function. She's been with me through this the whole time and I love her to death!
Now, the realization that he has told me that his kids will always come first has started anxiety attacks. I know it is all from his words and the controlled way it is making me feel. I was the homecoming queen, captain of the cheerleading squad, Miss CCHS, voted most popular in high school, and was known as the person who was nice to everyone. I'm not saying this to brag, but to make the point that I married the first guy I had ever actually dated just to get away from the pain of my parents.
Last year I friended a guy on Facebook that was really a "nobody" in high school. I say "nobody" because this is the south and he's black and was treated like he was nobody. The first thing he said to me was that he just wanted me to know how much I meant to him in high school. He said,"It didn't matter if we were black, wore dirty clothes to school, didn't have money, or were mentally retarded, you were always nice to us and treated us all as equals." "i love you for that and always will.". THAT made me cry! I was always known as the person who would stick up for anyone when they wouldn't do it for themselves. What happened to that person? How did I let my asshole ex make me afraid that if I stuck to my ideals and desires that I wouldn't be loved? Why am I letting THIS GUY now make me feel like I have to settle for less again? I hate it!!!!
Walk away from him. Based on
Walk away from him.
Based on what you have posted, it looks like he has already checked out of the relationship.
He didn't think twice about moving out when he found out his kids were unhappy living in your home. You only see him once a week. He has told you that you will never come first.
He isn't doing anything that shows he wants to be married.