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"Family" Event tonight. How to deal?

TryingSoHard's picture

Submitted by TryingSoHard on Wed, 05/30/2012 - 3:28pm

I haven't posted in a while. I've missed you all!

SD has a big event coming up. Naturally, her dad wants to be there and so do I. We've all but cut ties to SO's family because of their repeatedly unkind behavior toward me and because of their obvious and insulting preference for BM over their own son and over me. Example: In laws spent Christmas at BM's (she lives in the same town we do and the in-laws live hours away) and instructed the kids to lie to us about it (just one example of many).

However, situations like weddings and graduations are ones SO is not willing to miss simply because his mother and ex wife have a "special connection," and insist on making the event unbearable for me. In short, we're going to the event, BM, MIL, FIL and perhaps some other members of the "family" will be there. I am dreading tonight, because there have been past events where I was literally shunned by the entire family. Ignored, treated coldly, given rude remarks... you name it.

Yesterday, SO got a text message from BM inviting us to dinner with the family after the event. Gosh, wasn't it nice of her to invite us! The thing about it that sucks is that they've had all of this planned for weeks and she decided to include us at the last minute. What she is hoping for is that SO will show up without me so she can perv on him. They have been divorced for years and she still thinks she can trap him into being with her. And he's been remarried and divorced since then. Yuck.

I know that the best thing to do tonight is try and be supportive of SD, not get emotional and not let anything get to me. But I am scared. Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with these uncomfortable situations? I think I'll regret it if I say anything rude (read: true).

SO said last night that it's like getting a shot in the arm... brief and painful... then it's over. I thought that was a sound piece of information. We don't have to see them for months after this. Three crappy hours... then it's over for a long time.

Comments

TryingSoHard's picture

Submitted by TryingSoHard on Wed, 05/30/2012 - 3:41pm

Ha!

imthewife's picture

Submitted by imthewife on Wed, 05/30/2012 - 3:35pm

Go and smile...and sit on the other side of the room. As long as your DH sees their BS, you should be OK.

TryingSoHard's picture

Submitted by TryingSoHard on Wed, 05/30/2012 - 3:38pm

We don't have to sit with them, but they have this conniving way of trapping SO in situations like this. We're going to sneak in at the last minute (hopefully in the dark) and sit together for the event.

Then, when we go to dinner, BM will try and trap SO so that he has to sit with her. She's so gross.

TryingSoHard's picture

Submitted by TryingSoHard on Wed, 05/30/2012 - 3:39pm

And he does see their BS. This BS is a lot of what broke up marriage #2. Now they're emboldened, thinking they can pull that sh*t again and get away with it. They're f-ing with the wrong person this time.

Pardon my French.

WickedStepMom18's picture

Submitted by WickedStepMom18 on Wed, 05/30/2012 - 3:46pm

Perfect advice. Remember - YOU ARE ABOVE THIS. Walk in their with self-confidence that will bring them to their knees. Strange people. Wink

Hanny's picture

Submitted by Hanny on Wed, 05/30/2012 - 4:00pm

I know where your coming from, we have graduation this week, and a dinner after. then in August we get to take skid off to college, and oh yes, her mom and BF will be there too. Just one big happy family! Sad

TryingSoHard's picture

Submitted by TryingSoHard on Wed, 05/30/2012 - 4:05pm

I feel for you! But, at least your BM has a boyfriend. Ours thinks she's still married to SO.

Poodle's picture

Submitted by Poodle on Wed, 05/30/2012 - 4:01pm

I don't think the pain of this situation is brief for you. You feel betrayed by DH and ganged up on by a nest of vipers, and nothing seems to change. This could easily get worse as the years wear on. I would say that if you feel you have to go you MUST find a way to turn the tables.
The obvious one is to ask DH not to sit with BM. I can't see that's an unreasonable request. He could change the dynamics of the whole group by doing that. Ask him if he will agree to that one step this time, and if he won't, ask him to commence counseling with you. There is no earthly reason why he should be with BM when he is married to you. This is serious.
The next alternative is to take an escort. Too bad you can't find someone to do this out of state. Personally in your shoes I would almost pay someone from an agency. This situation is very toxic for you and you again could change the dynamic of the whole room by injecting one stranger.
The third would be to forge an "alliance" with a member of the family. Choose the person who is least related to the family, eg some other spouse and so forth. Make the appearance of being closely engaged in conversation with them all evening. Do not really care about them at all, of course, that would lead to trouble. But ensure that your conversation with them, from the outside, appears to sparkle and glow. Create the impression of a new "subgroup" which challenges the overarching identity of the ruling group. Ripples will be set up which ensure a new dynamic in the room particularly in the dull mind of your DH.
It might be the most noble and disengaged thing to be able to handle this alone in your own mind, but I think you have too many enemies in this situation to manage this unless you were some sort of Buddhist monk sworn to a vow of total detachment from the real world.
Good luck with this! You must find some creative way of twisting it to your advantage, not simply endure it, bear it, etc. That's a waste of your precious mental peace and quiet.

TryingSoHard's picture

Submitted by TryingSoHard on Wed, 05/30/2012 - 4:15pm

Thanks for your input. I think you are spot on about me being grossly outnumbered... and to say the least; the pain of this situation has been neither brief nor small. It's been absolutely heartbreaking, devastating and disappointing.

That said, I feel we're at something of a distance from it these days. I used to get very wound up by their hijinks. Now I feel a bit more safe from them. I try and think of them as a bunch of mental patients, walking aimlessly about in hospital gowns. They are really that nuts and out of touch.

There is one person in the family who has always been kind to me without exception; someone who married into the family years ago and has doubtless had to endure this same type of exclusion. There is about a 50% chance that person will be there.

I also like the idea about engaging in conversation with one person. I think I shall try that. My other option for an ally is SO's son, who has always been sweet to me. The trouble with engaging him is that he'll be a valuable ally for the other team (sorry to put it in those terms) and will probably be glommed onto by someone else the entire time.

One thing I really have going for me is that SO understands their BS completely. When we were first together, it caused a lot of problems for us. Now we are a team and definitely on the same page. I am so grateful for that.

We decided as a couple to go with the "pretend they are mental patients" plan. There's no way he'll actually sit with BM. He's gotten to a place where he sees her advances for what they are. He thinks she is as gross as I do. Also, I've asked him not to leave me alone with them. The reason they were able to treat me so badly at the last event was because he was not present that evening. I was a sitting duck.

I don't know about the possibility of bringing a friend. It's a little late in the game for that (event is three hours from now). But I can definitely text a friend. That will help.

Thank you so much for your help with this. I am feeling less vulnerable now.

Delilah's picture

Submitted by Delilah on Wed, 05/30/2012 - 4:41pm

Make sure you look amazing in an understated, classy way as that will get DH's attention and annoy his ex. Ensure he remains with you and doesnt leave you on your own. You likely have a good idea of the things they do and say which are rude and hostile, so plan inane remarks in response.

e.g they say something snippy, you calmly and patronisingly: if you say so...I dont think so...

THEN immediately launch into a conversation with the person next to you, even if its just DH. You are effectively dismissing them as they are not worth their time, they are beneath you. OR if they are overtly rude then I find an excellent method is talking over that person. You can usually predict from the opening sentence and presentation of the comment whether it is hostile or not, if it is then I have been known to say sweetly "Oh DH I forgot to ask what we are doing tomorrow....Oh you are looking good, I cant remember the last time I saw you" if they challenge you on it then feign innocence but do NOT apologise. Then continue with who you were talking to, again dismissing that person who is attacking you.

If unfortunately you find yourself in the situation where they have cornered you alone, then when they start, smile graciously and walk away. It doesnt matter how innocently presented these remarks are, if they challenge you on this simply state really nicely "I dont want to get into this. Its x occasion which shouldnt be spoilt." then walk away again.

Good luck!