Wife of a Widower, Mother or Step Mother? HELP!
I am a wife of a widower aka WOW. 5 years ago I married my husband, the only husband I have ever had. I was 24 at the time, young and so in love and when I found out his 1st wife had died of cancer, that he had 3 little girls (5,7,8) at the time, I felt like I could take the world on, love them uncondtionally and help heal the hurt. When I first came into the picture, the entire family was lost. I did a lot of research and even attended counseling to figure out how to be what my husband and his children needed. It wasn't easy of course and we had a lot of challenges with the kids (especially the oldest)going through bereavment. But needless to say, after a lot of family counseling the girls one day asked me if I would be their mom. I was overjoyed because I felt like I must be doing something right! My husband also was very happy and overnight it seems I had 3 daughters. I implemented a lot of structure into the home where there was none. Ex: the kids didn't remember how to have dinner at a dinner tale; they didnt know how to take a proper bath, say a prayer before bed etc... Small things that a mother would normally teach their children, but their bio mom was so sick for so long, I guess they couldn't remember these things.
A few years passed by and things started to change as the oldest 2 began puberty. Everyone tells me this is "typical teen behavior" but I am not so sure. The 13 year old has become extremely hostile and defiant with me,and at one point when she an I were having an argument, she physically attacked me. I was able to block her hit, but she is my size and the fact that she is brave and big enough to think she can take me on terrified me, and all because I simply told her "no"... a word she does not like to hear. She and the 12 year old lie, steal, cheat. manipulate, are lazy, cruel, and get into a lot of trouble. These are things I know I haven't taught them, and I have no idea when, why or how things escalated to such extremes. They have been caught stealing, fighting, and even asking for marijuana when the oldest was in 5th grade? Is this all really typical? The oldest 13 yr old has extreme mood swings from violently angry to extreme and then out of the blue happy...when she wants something. I feel like I am walking on eggshells because I dont know from one day to the next what to expect from her. My husband and I have behavioral problems with the two oldest on a weekly basis and this has been for over a year now. We have tried counseling again, talking to the school, anything to try and get help on what to do! The 2 oldest girls cause so many problems that it takes away from the younger kids and takes a lot away from my marraige. There has been this void between my husband and I and I am feeling a lot of anger and resentment toward the girls for their constant drama and trouble.
I have tried to love them unconditionally but the fact is, they are not my kids, they are his and his 1st wifes's. I don't have an unconditional attachment to them though I have always done my roll 100%. At this point I have no idea what to do because the problems to me are so extreme and so consistent that I am miserable and depressed all the time because I do not like their personalties AT ALL!
What do I do?
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You are a good candidate to
You are a good candidate to read Stepmonster. It will validate how you are feeling and give some explanations and even perhaps some advice on how to handle the situations that arise.
Step Monster huh? If this is
Step Monster huh? If this is a book, I will definately purchace it! I need to get a hold on my emotions because sometimes I honestly feel like I am losing it. The constant battle of feeling guilty for being so angry at these kids but also feeling like I am being taken advantage of and I am supposed to just take it? TY!
Yes, its a book, don't let
Yes, its a book, don't let the name fool you - its not how to be a Stepmonster - its a book that explains how a Stepmother feels, why they feel that way, describes some of the scenarios you are encountering and gives some advice on things you can do to get through it. I say get through it, not fix it.
It also gives some insight to how the father is viewing things differently and why.
Its highly recommended on this site.
In response to the molesting
In response to the molesting no, but besides losing her mother, witnessing the constant drama between the bio grandmother (her mom's mom) which was drug and alcohol abuse, and also being sent from relative to relative after the death of her mother because as a new single working father, my husband had no idea what to do...she has been through a lot.
The constant rage has always been a concern of mine, that I was willing to chalk up to typical bereavment but, she hardly remembers the bio mom and what she does remember is the last year of her life and the chemo/radiation etc...
I have spoken to the counselors and even our family doctor and given what she's experienced on top of transitioning into puberty and junior high and the demands her social life comes with, they all pretty much say it's typical. She's an A-B student and she performs well at school, but her attitude at home is the complete opposite and she tells us quite frankly that she doesn't like us on her back. Well, what parent does not have expectations??? It's a lose/lose situation with her and her cruelty has pushed me away quite a bit over the last year.
I finally told my husband how I was feeling and it hurt us both because inevitably I am the only mother she will ever really remember and learn from, but I don't have that "unconditional" bond with her because plain and simple, she is not my child. And I do not like the young lady she is becoming. Had I been a stranger, I would never chose this type of individual to have in my life, but this is my step daughter.
I have the book on order... thank you!
I'm probably gonna catch
I'm probably gonna catch flack but IMO those are YOUR kids, too. There's no bio mother lurking in the background undermining you. You married a widower, you knew he had children and you must have realized that you would be the primary female in these girls' lives. As long as they were agreeable everything was great (it usually is with relatively normal little kids) but now they're turning into asshats and they become HIS kids.
Parenting can be cake until hormones enter the picture. All you can do now is suck it up, both you and hubby have to come down on them like a ton of bricks, even if it means your life gets harder (make them think they were living in a monastery, they get clothed, fed, have a bed, forget t.v., computer, cell phone and BTW, you ladies are gonna learn how to paint walls and do lawn work and clean house and do laundry) and hang in there with counseling (frankly I think family counseling is way better than just the kids going). My bio son was an unspeakable JERK starting about age 13. We had a good therapist and got used to disconnecting the computer power cable and sometimes loaded the t.v.s into the car before work.
And yes, parenting kids who are pushing the limits strains the hell out of the best of marriages. And the weaker they see you and your husband become the harder they're gonna push because if you guys are fighting with each other you're not thinking about how to come down on them.
I absolutley agree with
I absolutley agree with everything you said. I knew when I married my husband he had three girls, and everyone warned me that I was entering a "Danger Zone", but as I said, I was young and fell in love for the first time and I thought I was strong enough to endure all of their pain. No one can ever tell the future and now looking back, I understand why so many people warned me to think CLEARLY on what I was fixing to enter in to.
When I first acquired my family, the counselor told me it was very important to set rules, guidelines, expectations, reward systems and punishments... and me being studious I got to work right away. I keep my expectations to 3 braud general rules and I dont think I am asking too much:
1. Education will always be their priority... dont make the grades, you dont get the priveledges.
2. Respect will be given at all times, for yourself and to others - no exceptions
3. They will all participate in cleaning house and are assigned chores to do.
Follow those 3 basic expectations and all is well...pretty simple right? The youngest 2 girls generally do as their asked and stay out of trouble, for the most part. They are kind and considerate to others and behave fairly well. The oldest has been giving me and her father hell. Anyone who is not a school mate is her enemy and she acts as if we are wasting her time if we speak. She doesn't do anything we ask, its a constant tantrum or attitude, and there is a situatiuon daily! She is violent and cruel with everyone.
BUT if there is something she wants she will kiss a$$ and suck up and act sweet which disgusts me in every way because I can not stand a hypcrit and thats how I see her.
I honestly do not really like my step daughter's personality... I try to care about her well being and I still do my part but its becoming hard to do these things for someone I am beginning not to stand the sight of. I feel as if I am becoming desperate!
Trust me on this, a vast
Trust me on this, a vast majority of parents go through a looooong phase of not liking their offspring (bio, step or adopted) one single bit. Heck, I love my son (27) to death, I'd kill for him, I'd die for him, but be damned if we've ever had much in common and he still drives me batshit (and we have what we consider quite a good relationship now). Luckily, he lives 3/4s of the country away so I miss him more than he irritates me LOL. But man, age 13 to 17ish, uuuuuggggh, it was bad, really bad. We were in weekly family therapy for almost three years straight (he had a lot of rage issues associated with his bio father that I and his stepfather got to take the heat over and clean up the mess of). My son was plain mean, diagnosed with ODD as well as ADHD. I'd lost count of how many times that kid told me to F-off ... school mornings were a real joy him screaming, throwing shit (somebody once called the cops on us because of how loud it was, he'd thrown a t.v. to the floor). He actually was thrown off the school bus for the entire year. I was on a first name basis with the principal from every school he ever attended. But one thing we learned early on with therapy was the MORE we caved in the worse he got. When we started cracking down and sticking to our guns EVERY SINGLE TIME he eventually backed off. The simple fact is, puberty can turn any house into a war zone and I honestly think girls are worse than boys in their own way, they frequently are devious, manipulative little bitches so it's not just your SD.
You've really got to check out the scary mommy website, you are not alone and I honestly think it has very little to do with you not being their bio mom. Teenagers generally just plain suck.
You don't have to like them, but they do have to follow the rules until they're 18 (or out of the house). You are the adults, you have the power, don't forget that. Basically it comes down to giving them a choice: Follow the rules and receive privileges or don't follow the rules and expect consequences. It comes down to consistency, holding the line and not giving in and parenting as a team. And the younger ones won't suffer by you coming down like a ton of bricks on the whole house, all they'll do is realize they can't pull that crap when they get older. Let her throw a tantrum, let her give you an attitude. Does she like the television? The computer? Does she have a cell phone? Does she like new clothes? You just very calmly say "Well SD, you can keep that up as long as you want, for every XYZ minutes I have to listen to it, you can forget about getting/using _________ for another week." Hell, go in her closet and take her favorite clothes away, go into her room and take her favorite stuff, empty the kitchen of all fun foods. Is she into her hair or nails? Buy generic shampoo and ban nail polish. Get CREATIVE. Find her weakness and exploit it with absolute ruthlessness. She'd do it to you in a minute. And if the others suffer from lack of t.v. or computers guess what, you point out to them you're very sorry but this was what their sister decided and it's HER fault that you had to put the t.v. in storage for a month, so they should be sure to thank her for being so selfish. At 10 and 12 they're certainly old enough to put 2+2 together, heck, they'll start policing her for you!
They're children, they don't have to like you but they have to respect you and their father. You don't have to like them, you just have to teach them how to be decent humans. If you do it right someday you'll look back on all this and be grateful it's long past because you will have a daughter who is a friend. But for now, you and hubby have to be wardens. Think combination drill instructor (a la Full Metal Jacket), supernanny and Cesar Milan, that's kind of what it takes to raise a kid who's being a hard case.
I applaud you! And to be
I applaud you! And to be honest, your advice is sound and is exactly how we do things in the household. I was getting a bit discouraged because it seemed the more we came down on the consequences, the more aggressive and hostile my SD13 became. She is fearless and without respect or regard for anyone. Totally wrapped up in what she can get out of everyone with not a kind thing to offer in return. I have really begun to completely dislike this child and the guilt was just eating at me. I thought, "how heartless can I be to hate this teen of mine, knowing I am the only mother she will ever know"!! But now a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders because I know I am not alone anymore!! Thank you!
Well, ouch! I guess the truth
Well, ouch! I guess the truth hurts. It has never been my intention to replace their BM, it was only my intention to do the best I could at the position I took on. The youngest SD doesn't know a thing about her BM. As a matter of fact, she often forgets there was a BM, and will ask me, "MOMMY, WHEN I WAS A BABY DID I...." thinking in her mind that I have been around since the beginning. The middle child seeks out love, attention and affection wherever she can. She has always suffered from middle child syndrome and competes with everyone for the spotlight, which used to aggravate me, but I have come to accept, expect it, I guess. The main and real problem here is the oldest SD; For she is mean and vindictive. She was the 1st of all the girls to ask me to be her "mother" and as I said, I left it up to them to decide how the would refer to me, never giving myself any kind of title, SM OR Mom.
All of a sudden, she got into JR. High and 13 hit her like a damn sack of bricks and is coming down on all of us in the family. Se la vi.... I guess I need to finish Stepmonster and continue to take things a day at a time. Some days are good, a lot of them bad.