According to DH: Kids >>> Marriage If You’re an Only Parent
DH is pissed off about me not going along with his plans to become the world’s greatest Disney Superdaddy.
He had the gall last night to completely dismiss me being upset about him putting me and our marriage as his lowest priority because, according him, the kids have to come first if you’re the only parent (SD’s BM is completely out of the picture). To him, wedding vows and commitments mean nothing and need to be dropped immediately if they interfere with the happiness of your illegitimate teenage brat.
I can understand that your baby needs to come first if you’re a single parent. A lot of problems people have on here would be fixed if BMs understood that and actually parented their children. I left my ex-husband when my son was 18 months. I get the demands of being a single mom. But this is completely different. His kids have other parents and he’s jealous he doesn’t get to have fun times with them and that they don’t need him.
His daughter turns 16 in July. She’s practically an adult. For most of her life, he referred to her as an expensive mistake. It’s not like he realizes what horrible brat she is and how he needs to put his foot down and teach her to do what she is told and to respect authority figures. No, he wants to make him like her and give her whatever bribes possible so she won’t hate him. It’s pathetic. It’s like the high school nerd trying to get the girl to like him.
SD15‘s behavior was so horrible when she was living with us that I banned her from my home and she went to live with her aunt & uncle (who she no longer wants to stay with since it’s boring there and her half-siblings are in another state). She absolutely refuses to accept that she cannot do what she wants to do when she wants to do it.
If he wanted to be a parent and make a difference in her life, he had his chance and let her control him with her angry outbursts and defiant behavior. He missed his chance and she’s a lost cause now.
What kind of example does it set for his daughter and 2 sons (different BM) as what a husband is expected to do if DH shows them that spoiling kids and daddy fun is more important than a marriage? He is essentially telling them they should ignore their wives when it conflicts with what fun daddy stuff they want to be doing.
This cycle of bad parenting is going to keep getting worse. How bad are the stepparents of their kids going to have it with that sort of example?
DH knows our marriage is in trouble and he doesn’t care. He has told me that it’s more important that he is a good dad because if he messes up his kids, there’s no redos and he wants to be remembered at his funeral for being such a great dad. Apparently, he thinks if he messes up his marriage he can just get married again. Asshole.
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Nowhere in any psychological
Nowhere in any psychological research does it say that being a good parent means making sure your kids are happy 100% of the time. Being a good dad means preparing them for adulthood, teaching them about disappointment, holding them accountable for their mistakes, and showing them that they will get what the give in life. He's basically already failed at being a father. He may as well try to save his marraige because his kids aren't going to care enough to show up at his funeral. They'll be too busy trying to figure out who is going to take his place paying for all their earthly wants.
You're absolutely right. And
You're absolutely right. And odds are, SD won't show up at his funeral. She hates him and wants nothing to do with him. Whether her life turns out ok or not, he will have no impact except the fact that she plays the poor abandoned me card all the time.
DH looks at SD's future and sees wasted opportunity and potential but he's not going to change that either. All she wants to do is go live in the middle of nowhere and have horses and lots of dogs. I don't know how she plans to pay for this since horses are expensive but that's her career goals. She's smart enough to go to a very good college. Her test scores are incredibly good. She probably would have ended up going to Stanford or Yale if she was adopted by a 2 parent family and raised in normal environment. But she wasn't and she's going to end up being that crazy lady that lives out in the boondocks with more animals than she knows what to do with.
DH can't do anything about SD's future but he can at least salvage his but getting him to accept that he needs to admit failure with SD, walk away and move on is impossible.
Exactly. He was SD's only
Exactly.
He was SD's only parent when he got married and decided it was best for her to be raised by her grandmother. It's not like this was something new that happened after he made his marriage vows.
He acts like he should be patted on the back for wanting to be a single dad raising his kid alone like that's some badge of honor.
He made a commitment to me and if I say there is no way in hell that little bitch ever steps foot in my home again, that's the way things are. Or I'm going to get every penny I can in alimony.
Apparently, he thinks if he
Apparently, he thinks if he messes up his marriage he can just get married again.
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And you accept this is how your DH seriously thinks of you? I think its bad enough if a partner says this to his wife, but its an own goal if he genuinely MEANS it.
Thanks for sharing that.
Thanks for sharing that. That's definitely what's going on, maybe in a different way since DH desperately wants to be the knight in shining armor riding in to rescue his daughter and be her hero.
I'm not sure if SD has ever seen DH has heroic and perfect. But DH is desperate for that type of 5 year old girl daddy worship. He even keeps wanting to buy her gifts that are geared towards little kids like a pink Easter basket. He's totally desperate for that type of attention and validation.
DH also feels very guilty over his past mistakes. Before, he used to always blame BM but now he's obsessed with assuaging his guilt by doing some big thing that will make everything up to SD. And he does have more to make-up for than just a divorce but the fact is he never will be able to do what he wants and his daughter is just a totally f'd up person who is unsalvageable.
I don't want DH to sit around
I don't want DH to sit around and play video games with my son. I want him to spend time with both my son and me as a family and acknowledge that we are his priority.
The issue is time and how much time he is committing to his kids and not making me and our family the #1 time commitment. There are only so many hours of the day. Even if we did move to where the boys live, DH wanting to live vicariously through his boys' sports success and go to very practice, every game, every tournament is time away from our family.
The boys are fine without DH. They have a mother and stepfather who are sane, rational people who do not spoil them. Last Sunday, DH took the boys to see Avengers on the way to drop them off and they got home at 10:30 on a school night. Is that something that really is in their best interest?
I feel for you! I went back &
I feel for you! I went back & read some of your blogs, so I could see what was going on.
I have a really good question, that I may have missed, but is a very very valid one. Even if you all did move to the boys town- I see youve written that he would get 50/50......but... Would BM even entertain that?? I thought I read he had eowe?? So is it plausable that whats in his head could ever even happen?? Or is it just a pipe dream? I know even if we lived in the same town as BM, she wouldnt give DH any more time w the kids. She just sucks like that.
My DH moved a state away from his kids (4 hr plus drive) about a yr and a half before I met him. His job was transferred to here. He has eowe & 4 wks in the summer. I know for a fact my DH wishes he could be more involved in sports, school, everything. But, his job sends you where they do (law enforcement)
Our prob is that BM is now scheduling the 3 boys in just about everything she can & now DH only gets them abt once a month. He doesnt want them to resent him so he gives in alot but now bm is taking it too far. Its sad. The boys are doing poorly in school now too cause she has them in too many activities.
I know how you feel tho. Seems there are no easy answers here.