Giving up.
It's been awhile since I've been here to vent. Heres a little update.
We're all strugling with havin SD10 here. I think bd6 and myself are the ones who are struggling the most with having her here and SD10 is also struggling with being here. Since January, it seems our whole life has been turnd upside down. We're all more edgey(sp) and we all seem to be grouchy most of the time. DH is tryinbg to play ref and keep everyone happy, but it's getting to him too. It seems SD10 has a crappy attitude most of the time. I can tell she doesn't want to be here and I can tell she hates having adults in her life who care about her success. She totally shuts down when DH tell her it's time for homework or her math practice. BD6 has gotten a bad attitude as well. She used to be the sweetest little girl ever, sheloved her little brother (BS3) and she loved playing with him. Now that SD is here, BD has started yelling andbeing rude most of the time. She talks back to me and DH and she has gotten very bossy.
I had a talk with bd two nights ago. She opened up really quick and was very honest. She was telling me that she wants to play with her brother, but SD always tries to take over or tells her "let's go play something else" I was telling BD that I've noticed her attitude change since SD has been here and bd said "I just want SD to go back with her mom because she yells at me too" I tried to explain to her that letting sd go back to her bm is not really an option right now. I also told her that I know sd's mom never taught her any type of manners and me and dh are working on it. I told her that it's not okay for sd to be rude or yell and that I don't always catch it when it's happening I told her she needs to come tell me or daddy when something like that is happening.
SD just seems to be a really rude little girl. It's like trying to retrain 10 years worth of bad manners and bad choices. SD isn't used to doing homework or having structure.
I know it's hard on her right now, being uprooted from everyhting she knows, but it's still really hard on me. I wish I could just shake her and tell her what her mom did wasn't right and living with all these different people besides your parents wasnt normal. It's not normal to live with your grandparents when you have two parents who are capable. It's not normal that mom is always being arrested for assault. It's not normal nor is it ok for you to raise yourself and make your own choices at 6,7,8, and 9 years old. I want her to realise that what her father is doing is for the best.
I'm having the most trouble because I know everyday I pick her up from school, she really doesn't want to come with bd and I. I know she doesn't want to be here and I know she feels like DH and I have ruined her life. I know she really doesn't like me and it's hard on me. I take it personal and I know I shouldn't. But I'm still human and I have feelings and I hate being in my own house and feeling like I'm some horrible, evil person. I hate knowing that no matter what DH and I do, she will never really want to be here.
Damned if we do, damned if we don't.
DH could give her back to BM and her life would be chaotic and uncertain everyday or he could keep her here, take care of her and help her in school and be hated everyday for it.
No win situation.
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I will be extremely honest. I
I will be extremely honest. I will probably get super flamed for this however...When SS19 moved into our home at the age of 16, he did so by choice. He did it because he thought that he would go from rags to riches and that nothing would be expected of him at our house. He was used to weekend visits at our house that consisted of FUN FUN FUN. However, once he became a permanent resident of our home, things changed VERY quickly for him. Now there were rules, expectations, consequences. Now it wasn't so much fun anymore and he began to act out. In a fit of rage I went into SS room one day and told him the following. "You do NOT deserve the privilege of living in our home. You do not deserve the father that God has blessed you with. What you deserve is a dead beat piece of shit like my sons father that doesn't give a flying shit about whether or not you eat, have clothes or a roof over your head. If you'd like to have a chance at some semblance of a productive adult life you will do what we say, when we say it, or you can go back to your mothers 1 bedroom apartment in the projects with the 3 pairs of jeans and 3 t-shirts you came here with and never know what could have been of your life!" He cried & before you know it, he shaped up REAL quick. You might not be able to say that exactly, but at 10 years old, if she's old enough to be a little bitch, she's old enough to hear the TRUTH about what her life would be like if you weren't in the picture. This constant coddling and shielding kids from reality is the biggest factor in these kids being such drama queens/kings. I'd tell her what awaits her future if she doesn't start abiding by your rules. And the next time your BD talks back or is rude to you, flick her one across the lips and give her a fat lip so that SD sees that it is NOT at ALL acceptable to you to have ANYONE be disrespectful to you or any member of your family. That's just my 2 cents.
I love you too Flabby!
I love you too Flabby!
I agree with most of what UFR
I agree with most of what UFR writes and 10 years old isn't too young to have this conversatin with. I would just change the wording. Instead of telling SD that she doesn't deserve to have a father who cares about her and a comfortable and secure home, I would tell her that she DOES deserve to have all this and that the way she was living when she was in mom's care is not the way a child should live. Let her know that you recognize that the past is what she was used to and that no matter what she'll love her mom but that you and DH care about her and her future and that it is up to her to care about it too. She needs to start showing respect for herself and her family who is there to support her but the behaviors need to change drastically.
Now I don't disagree totally with physical discipline but as far as using DD6 as an example by popping her in the mouth, all that is going to show SD is that her sister can get popped but SM doesn't have the authority to do that to her and if it did happen, it would be an excuse to a)get out of your home, b) bring trouble to your family.
Maybe counseling for the family?
Wishing you the best
I agree. Sometimes a dose of
I agree. Sometimes a dose of reality is needed. My motto has always been even though you can't love them as your own, you better treat them as your own. Would you let your kid get away with an ounce of this nonsense? I bet not. Don't let SD get away with it either. Its not doing anyone any favors. You're the closest thing to a real mother figure this girl has.
I understand that things are
I understand that things are really hard for you right now. Perhaps after SD gets used to the new routine and shapes up then she'll come to appreciate all that you and your DH do for her. She's a bit young to see the big picture right now, but hopefully when she gets older she'll see that she was much better off living with ya'll. I know some skids never do seem to see the light, but I hope that yours does.
She's 10! I teach fifth
She's 10! I teach fifth graders! That means 10 and 11 year old kids! YES, she DOES understand, and YES, you should give her a dose of reality! Being 10 isn't like it was when we were 10, it's more like 15!
I agree. I had a step father
I agree. I had a step father and hated him!!! Know why I despised him? Because he MADE me behave. He made me show respect for my Mom. I couldn't stand him, but deep down I knew what he was trying to do and I appreciated it. I was SIX!!! She knows..but DH is afraid to be brutally honest with her for fear of "ruining her" or making her hate him.