Short general rant followed by larger OT rant/?'s about SO signing his life away to BM
I am so...just...I don't know...so sick of everything I don't even have words for it.
I literally laid in bed all weekend and now I'm disgusted with myself for letting myself react that way and waste so much time. Usually I remove myself from the premises on weekends, but I didn't even have the strength for that this weekend. Now it's getting where we have SD 1-3 nights per week and every weekend, because it's all great for SO to get SD when it's convenient for BM, but if it's not BM's specific request, she's got one hand on the phone ready to call 911 for child abduction.
I can't even blame all this on BM and SD. Yes, BM is vile. Yes, SD is...well...SD. But SO is such a pushover and lazy parent that he allows most of the problems. I AM SO MAD AND HURT.
SS has also come to live with us. It's been 3 months now and SO hasn't made any move to make it legal and/or change child support. He avoids everyfuckingthing. Meanwhile, I more or less support all of us while he forks money over to BM. I'm a bigger moron than he is.
And now- do not bother with any flame posts about this part about him not being divorced yet because I am fully aware of the situation and trust me it is justified- SO's divorce is finally being signed today. Because his dad loaned him the money he says he had no say in the settlement. Because he engaged an attorney with high rates and a good reputation, he refuses to question any part of it. He has kept the paperwork hidden from me, but I do know that he has agreed to keep his name on the mortgage of the home they had together. Indefinitely. She is to be responsible for the payments, insurance, and taxes. He seems to think that just because it says that in the divorce, when she defaults, which she will, the bank will not hold him liable. We live in a joint property state. From everything I have read, and from my own experience as a creditor in my job, the bank (or any creditor) does not give one shit what their divorce says. They are going to go after the person(s) on the mortgage. And even if she doesn't default- and IF we were to get married, if he has his name on one mortgage, the chances of his debt ratio ever being acceptable to get yet another mortgage on a home for US is non-existant, at least in the joint property state that we live in. There's more about credit cards she opened in his name after they separated without his knowledge or signature, but I don't even feel like getting into that too right now. I just feel like he's being careless about our future just to keep her happy.
His solution? Sign whatever is in BM's best interests now and wait for his inheritance/life insurance when his parents pass away to take care of our needs in the future. He actually said that! He also said he doesn't care what he signs as long as the divorce is finally over (it's been 2+ years in the works).
Yes, I do question why I am with him right now and he knows it.
So, my questions here...Am I being too nosy in the first place? Is this none of my business? From your collective experiences am I on the right track as to his liability on the house?(yes I will be making some phone calls for legit answers for this state, but I just wanted to ask here).
I had to spew some of this here because my coversations with SO have turned into ugly fights that I'm not proud of. Thanks all for being here...
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This all affects you so NO
This all affects you so NO you are not being too nosy and this is your business. You are absolutely right about the house. If she stops paying, he is screwed and therefore, you are screwed. Your SO is being a dipshit about all of this. I made it very clear to my dh that if he didn't handle this shit with BM and do what is best for our future we wouldn't have a future. As a result his divorce took 3 years. It was a pain in the ass and cost a fortune, but it was worth it because we have a solid CO and we know where we stand financially and can make appropriate life decisions with that information.
And it is sick that he is basically waiting for his parents to die to start living. And what if she stops paying on the house or those credit cards? His inheritance will go to pay for that stuff.
Re; the mortgage thing... My
Re; the mortgage thing... My DH did that in order to appease BM (she was threatening to call DCS on him if he didn't agree to her demands. He agreed, she called anyways) -- allowed his name to remain on the mortgage AND their joint credit cards. She ran up all the credit cards and then let the house fall into default. His credit was ruined for quite a while. His name isn't even on this mortgage (for other reasons -- namely the fact that if anything would ever happen to him, I don't want it to be a situation where I have to fight for my home with the SK's).
IMHO, you are within every right to be nosey, his actions now have far-reaching effects on your life with him from this day forward. It's unfortunate that sometimes people can be so near-sighted, only focusing on the here and now, not thinking about the future.
I feel badly for you, I truly do. I don't think I could live every day wondering if today is the day BM is going to pull a fast one (default on a mortgage). My advice? Protect yourself.
Well, I'm only going to
Well, I'm only going to comment on the part that may be helpful and ignore my urge to bonk you on the head verbally.
The house... My first husband did this. He signed over the deed but remained on the mortgage. Apparently, he had no choice. The judge wouldn't order her to re-fi because she couldn't qualify on her own. They had a minor child between them, and that was her home.
Late payments went on XH's credit, too. There was nothing that could be done. There is nothing you can do. We could not buy a home as long as he was on BM's mortgage because his income wasn't enough to pay two mortgages (we lived in a VERY expensive real estate market so even though he made six figures, it wasn't enough.)
Fortunately, after a number of years, BM refinanced on her own. Of course, she didn't bother to tell us.
Ok, now the icky part. This is what often happens when you mix up with a "previously enjoyed" family. He's married, and he and his wife have come to a settlement that will get the divorce signed. (I really, really think it's bad to get involved before the ink is dry, but I broke that rule myself!)
Yes, you're being nosy and it isn't your business if you aren't planning on marrying him. He's in the process of "ending" that relationship and now has to focus on yours. If you're going to marry him, this absolutely involves you.
Blech.
I don't envy your position.
My DH and I dated before he was divorced. I "suggested" several things, he ignored and did what his idiot attorney suggested, and WE have paid the price. (We always knew we would marry, though.)
So, I guess the question of the day is: Are you marrying this man?
I hope you got lots of rest this weekend. Sometimes we just need to hide from the world. Don't be disgusted with yourself!
Thanks, guys. I know I'm
Thanks, guys. I know I'm stupid. You have to trust me that the marriage was way beyond over, to the point where she had her boyfriend living with her at least a year before SO and I got together, so that part doesn't sweat me. It's just that she liked the situation the way it was- you know, where she got all the financial benefit and held all the power- and has been difficult about getting the paperwork done.
I do want to marry him. Very much. Enough to break the promise I made when my first husband cheated on me that I would never ever ever ever ever get married again. This is why I'm extra upset that he's making decisions that make it impossible in a practical sense and, in my mind, questionable in an emotional sense.
I agree, this is not a good
I agree, this is not a good thing that he is hiding the paperwork from you. My DH and I worked together on paperwork that involved his property, CS, etc. Why is he hiding it? Those excuses about his dad and the lawyer are just lame. He must know that he is getting screwed. If he stays on the mortgage, you won't be able to buy another home even if she stays current. In our case, I had a house already. Then we moved and sold mine, so he had her refinance (it was in the agreement that it would be done when SS was 18, they did it a couple years early).
And yes, if you are engaged, then you have every right for full disclosure about his financial situation!
From personal experience,
From personal experience, this will only end in heartache. Stay with him if you want, but don't marry him and don't blend finances.
I believe all of you with the
I believe all of you with the personal experience.
Maybe we'll just have some kind of non-legal hippie commitment ceremony. Exchange rings and sing kum-bay-a and shit.
No, he didn't cheat. It's
No, he didn't cheat. It's just like everything else related to his previously enjoyed family: he'll bend over backwards to keep her quiet and not release her craziness, yet he seemingly has no problem letting me be upset because I won't threaten to withhold his kids, or blow up his phone, or show up at his work ranting, or any of the various antics of the batshit nuts.
I'm too nice. And stupid. Nice and stupid.
So his claims that he didn't have the paperwork might have been true. He stopped by his attorney's this morning and came to my work to show it to me.
He knows how deadly serious I was when we spoke about this last night. Today he had a whole new tone and promised he'd talk to the attorney some more specifically on that point and one other. He also conceded this is every bit my business. He offered up that he's no good at stuff like this and he's glad he has me to set him straight. Where the hell was that attitude last night?!?
On the plus side, we are a spousal maintenance state and this says it's waived. That was a huge fear of mine. I can see making some other concessions just to make sure she doesn't push for a lifetime of alimony. While I am sick of SO keeping his head in the sand, I also don't love unleashing BM's craziness either.
So their meeting is in one hour. Watch BM not even show up...
Now that this is like on page
Now that this is like on page 4, nobody will probably see it...but SO discussed the house thing with his attorney. The attorney suggested giving her 12 months to refinance or get out. BM agreed to it. Seems too easy now...what is she up to?