When do we cut our losses with Step Kids?
This has bothered me since I met my (now)wife in 2008.
It was plain to see that her children had serious behavioural issues from day one. I also knew that she had lost a couple of boyfriends who'd also met her children and broke it off with her as a result. (her son and daughter were 7 and 8 when we met)For her part, she is a good, loving and harmless woman, but she had guilt over leaving the childrens' father (who rarely tried to see them afterwards) and as a result she coddled them. They became spoiled and arrogant. She had lost control as they gradually took control of her and ran her into the ground.
My effort in our marriage has been almost four years of trying to set up a family with boundaries and rules, but also rewards and making everyone feel like they were a part of the family, nobody less than anyone else.
I've since given up. The step kids are now 11 and 12. It has been almost four years of battles, the children telling her off when they don't get their way, telling me off, the SS attacked me one day with a dog toy because he didn't get his way...and daily whining and battles to even get them to brush their teeth, let alone let the dog out or take the garbage out...it's really gone that far. I'm not saying that they don't have good traits and aren't good people...it's just that the behaviour was allowed for too long, way before I came along, and now there is a reaction to the new way of doing things. Mom is still trying to understand where she went wrong. (another sore spot for me) They are programmed as they are and likely will be, unless some serious intervention comes along.
I have my own two sons of the same age from a different marriage. The difference is night and day. I don't favour them over the demon children (but of course it's easier to love your own blood, and we share a very tight bond) It's always been the same set of rules for everyone. My sons have never required too much discipline.
But now I am avoiding the skids at every turn. It's awkward, but the only thing that has really changed in them is the fact that they know I'm in the house, and if I have to reinforce the rules, it won't be so nice. (I don't hit or anything, but I can raise my voice to heaven and they don't like it) They can bend their mother like a pretzel still and get their way, but they know I'm here and so the battles seem to be under some semblence of control. It is no way to be a family.
So, to my point....I feel guilty..because I'd rather they go away and never come back.
We've all seen movies and read stories of how a loving father figure entered the lives of some unruly kids and saved them and became a hero...perhaps that what I was hoping for...not recognition, but the fact that I could be that much of a human as to take the lumps and love someone into making a change.
As it sits, and I've told my wife, it is beyond my grasp and my abilities. I feel like a quitter, but in truth, I also feel that they have a father, and although it's not their fault that he's never around for them, I can't carry the guilt if they don't succeed as they should in the long run. Their father will have to carry that cross as far as I'm concerned. Is it wrong to hope for your step kids to leave? At what point is it ok for a step parent to cut the losses and cut the ties? (ties as in feeling responsible for their outcome, your role in it) At what point is it ok to tell your better half that this is how you feel, and that you want the marriage but you can't try anymore with her children? I feel like such an ass. We have a seriously dysfunctional setup now. Wife has taken on the roll of Nazi with her own, but she seems to be doing it to merely please me, and it renders no results on her kids' behaviour. My wife goes out of her way for my own sons, but I think she sees them as a breath of fresh air...they aren't hard to deal with at all. I never let them talk back. I never hit them, but I dragged them out of alot of grocery stores and put them in their room when they were younger when they tested the rules....they respected me and we are best friends today. If the Step Kids would grow up and leave, I'd rejoice, but I won't do so without some feeling that maybe I should have tried harder. (and no, I do not love them, nor will I ever, and shoot me, but it won't happen. Maybe I'm being selfish..I just know that every kid deserves a chance...I just have no chance left in me in this case)
Has anyone experienced this sort of feeling?
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Comments
Yes! This is exactly what all
Yes! This is exactly what all the SMs on here are saying.
When you set up a house, you naturally set up rules. It is always the bio parent in the marriage who simply become blind to their own child(rens) behavior.
This situation depends on your set up, too. Do your sons live with you, or merely come to visit? They deserse peace, too and do not need Dad trying to "save" a couple of unruly brats.
For me..I started stepparenting when my SD was 3...she is now 19. I always squashed her crap behavior the minute it started. She is sneakier now than she has ever been...but I still cut her off at the pass.
House rules and boundaries are so important. I really believe in boundaries.
You really need to try some tough love with these kids and start making it unpleasant (and you still don;t have to hit or raise your voice...).
I have a degree in child development. Alot of the research for these kinds of kids state you take it all away. You strip them of their possessions down to the sheets on their beds. Too harsh...TS! Earn it back with respectful behavior.
My SD never got past her dad removing her TV...she never acted out against us. She knew better.
Unfortunately, you are not in a position to just give up. You would either need to leave...or try something evasive like I mentioned above.
Know anyone in the Marines? Invite them over for a day of "basic training"...that may work wonders...and provide for some nice laughs. IF they are attacking you...time to pull out the big dogs. Personally, those kids would have been picking up their teeth if they lived in my house. No more Mr. Nice Guy...kids today will take every centimeter you will give them...plus 12 feet more....
^^^^YES! SD almost 3 found
^^^^YES! SD almost 3 found herself in her room with nothing but a blanket pillow and the sheet on her mattress. and the mattress was on the floor at that point.
If your going to give an inch (or even a millimeter) than you need to be fully prepared for them to go for the full 12 inches.
Cut the string short. They get what you give, and if that's not what they wanted... don't give 2 flying sh*ts.
...You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometime you just might find, you get what you need....
Amen to you! I've done that.
Amen to you! I've done that. When the little demon attacked me, I told him he had three seconds to run down the street as fast as he could. I would grant my own the same respect, but I never had to. I've tossed their toys in the garbage, taken away the video games, the snacks, you name it. On the flipside, I've taken them out, done everything with them and tried to be a positive influence. More often than not, these days, I end up cutting mom off as she gets tangled in their manipulation, begging them to just clean their rooms or walk the dog. The house falls silent when I walk into their tirades. My wife takes my discipline hard...it seems to drive us apart (the old "you don't love them"...to which I replied the last time, "No, I don't...they're little assholes")...but bottom line, despite my confusion as to whether or not I'm responsible for their ultimate outcome, when you infringe on my world, you have a problem...I respect you, you respect me. SS killed a cat last year because he didn't get to watch TV before doing his homework, so he went outside, there was a cat sitting on the sidewalk..he picked it up and hurled it back into the sidewalk, breaking its legs. If I didn't want to not go to prison, that would have been his supper that night thru a straw up his ass. It hasn't changed though...and I wonder when punishment doesn't work (it only fuels him) and the opposite has no effect (take him out, play with him, give him chores and an allowance) what is left to do?
I don't want to give up on any kid, especially when I've married their mother, but I'm now simply avoiding the germs, and it's unhealthy as hell. Thanks for yur reply...it does help alot, especially hearing from a registered youth worker.
Any creative "stay on your
Any creative "stay on your toes little man" ideas would be welcomed!
You're quite right...the law
You're quite right...the law says he has to have a lunch everyday for school...it doesn't say that he has to eat chips ahoy or gummy bears..the law says he needs a bed and a blanket in his room...there's nothing in the constitution about transformers, lego, video games, television or computer. It seems like a really guerilla tactic way of control..far from a healthy family, but then again, when a child takes away the freedom of others by even arguing and whining, let alone attacking others (and animals) it may be the only resort.
I'm not big on the whole "bi-polar, adhd, he needs more nurturing" bs. My dog knows right from wrong, and so do the step kids. My dog can take a swat on the ass for sneaking onto the couch...maybe the kids need the protocol tightened more to reflect their "needs"
I'm beginning to wonder if I should have just ran before I married their mom...but that's my own cross, whichever way it leans.
Killing a cat is actually,
Killing a cat is actually, kinda...a crime. That needed psych attention. Maybe that's the route or maybe since you have no kids together...you ought to think about your options.
Answering your question...no...you are in no way responsible for how these kids turn out. Unfortunately, they live under your roof...and as I found out...anything they do while under our roofs...becomes our problem...from a legal standpoint. You gotta watch that one, too.
I agree with this. SD is
I agree with this. SD is almost 3 and at one point it got so bad with her attitude and back talking that she had nothing left in her room except her mattress blanket and pillow. She would not go to bed at night and would kick her bed frame until part of it broke off. She would get out of bed and launch her toys at the windows and walls. So she went to bed one night without anything in her room to play with or occupy her instead of going to sleep.
You are so not alone! I know
You are so not alone! I know I struggle with the fact that I have given up. My SS11 has made up so many lies about me I no longer am alone with him. It sucks to be fearful in your own home, but I think it is the only way to protect myself. I have given up on him. I am not his mom and wish he would never come back. I pray daily that his step dad will adopt him and relieve me of ever having to deal with him. I so want to walk out of my marriage but I have to kids with my DH and one on the way. I feel trapped into this crazy life! Most recently the Skids came for spring break so I went to CA to visit my family. They trashed my car. Leaving yogurt on the seats and chip crumbs all over the floor. My kids have to clean up their own messes but the skids are above that! They dont know how to clean up after themselves nor will DH ever tell them to. So I become their made! I wouldnt wish step kids on anyone!
That's got to be a tough spot
That's got to be a tough spot to be in. My SD lied about me once...I yelled at her for turning on the stove and smoking out the kitchen (she's not supposed to be near the stove, even at her age of 11) When mom got home, she said I had threatened to kill her. Obviously I didn't. I told her that one more lie from her pretty little mouth and I was leaving. People have done jail time over a child's lie...I hope things work out for you.
Thanks for your reply. You
Thanks for your reply. You said alot. You're right...harming an animal is very creepy and shows a serious mental issue. He's attacked me too at close range, destroyed bikes, you name it. As it sits, I told her that she will either get him psychiatric attention, or I will leave and file suit to get my daughter (who is 3) out of the home. I hate to involve childrens' services, but another option is to have him removed if neccessary. You're right...it is a matter of her refusing to have a spine and be an authoritive parent, and it is I who always has to step into the room and raise the roof. She's called a pediatrician and set up testing. That kind of behaviour is a future in jail when someone really gets hurt.
I have disengaged from SD16
I have disengaged from SD16 but am having a hard time not disengaging from her father because then I resent him when HE screws up. So I have decided to take a different road, SD16 is on her own when it comes to me, she can screw up, be mentally screwed up which she is at the hands of both her parents, she can steal, cheat, lie and manipulate. As long as it is not DH or I that she is doing all that too. And to combat this, I have decided to save my marriage not the kid. Entering in to counseling with husband who has serious parenting issues to work out, and hopefully he will change and if she doesnt his new light seen will be shed on her dysfuntional ass...I want him to see the dysfunction in her and not me. Why is it the spouse is crazy but their kids who have obvious issues are perfect...
Yes, I wanted to love and
Yes, I wanted to love and care for my SD15. She was 10 when DH and I got together. But it's been nothing but a battle trying to get her to accept me into the family. After years of visitations that all go sour I have since disallowed her from entering my home. Her Dad and she can figure out some other place to visit. I had to give up on her because it was too heartbreaking for me and I had to set some boundaries to keep from getting hurt by her abusive behavior. I know that feeling of become someone you didn't expect to become, an ass. Try not to think of it as what you have become, but rather your response to what they are doing. If they are bringing out the worst in you, it's time to disengage.