Part 2, first blog!!!
Anyways, although I love this little girl to death, her behaviors are starting to make me not like her or like to be around her. I once heard her say to her GMA "I will hit you in the face if you make me put a jacket on for school." OMG!!!! :jawdrop: I was so upset, but said nothing bc no one else said a word to her either. I couldn't believe it! She would get upset when DH would show any affection towards me, so he has stopped altogether in front of her since we have moved in together. I just dont understand how a 6yr old could rule your life like this. Last time I said something about her snotty behavior to him at night when no one else was around, he said I was mean and that he was glad I never had children myself and left for about an hour and went walking. WTF??? I have never hit/spanked this little girl, never once raised my voice to her, hell i've hardly corrected her at all since we've been together. I read it was much wiser to build a bond with her first and then start correcting/disciplining her when neccessary. So that is what ive done! I am finally getting to the point now where I feel its time to start "correcting" her behavior. I have started the please/thank you at the dinner table and she is starting to listen. But only with me, bc no one else will help her learn manners. It infuriates me to no end. So ive realized that as long as me and DH aren't on the same page, these things will never fully sink in with her.
About 2 or 3 nights ago, I had had it. I gave my DH an earfull of all the areas she needed help on. This little girl has no confidence and is terrified to do anything on her own, bc someone has always done everything for her. GMA has done 80% of the day to day care for her before I came along. She is an only child, so she gets everyones full attention. Let me tell you, everything in this house is ALL about her. But anyways, I tried my best to stay calm and not make snide comments when I let him have it. I am a very honest person, so I tend to not sugarcoat anything and told him like I seen it. He needs to stop babying her, let her grow up, everything is not all about her, I want a hug and a peck from him occasionally when she is around (which is 24/7), and we need to get on the same page or I was seriously contemplating leaving. I have nothing to loose at this point. If he didn't hear me out and atleast consider my point, then I was going to leave, which I was thinking of anyway so I honestly had nothing to loose. We are thinking of having a baby later this year, but I will NOT if this is how he is going to raise my child as well. Nope, i'll pass. And I told him that the other night, as well. So we talked about the dinner situation with SD6 and he said he doesnt know what to do about it. I said "Well, is what your doing working?" He said no, obviously, so I asked him if we can try something different. He agreed. I have yet to see if he is going to stick to it. He went fishing tonight during dinner, so I made dinner for all 3 of us. SD6 didn't have anything to drink so I got her some sweet tea, she comes back from washing her hands and throws a fit bc she didnt want tea. OHHH!! My blood was boiling. Typically her GMA or DAD would have poured it out and got her whatever she wanted, not me! I grabbed the cup, said I was going to pour it down the drain and she could have nothing, and that I did not appreciate that I was trying to be nice and get her something without her having to ask and she was being so rude about it (with GMA sitting right beside us), that put a stop to that in a hurry. Of course, she started her I dont like this and im not eating that crap, well I said firmly, "Girl dont start. Eat what you want and leave the rest." That stopped her whining right there. I told DH when he got back from fishing, so I pray that he does the same thing tomorrow night. (FINGERS CROSSED)
I do not want to be the bad guy, but I cannot take this child ruling the house. It's making me not like her and I know that this is not her fault, so I absolutely do NOT blame her, its her DADDY and GMA's fault for allowing this kind of stuff to go on. I've only touched the surface on so many of her behavior, but i'll have to start frequently writing so they don't end up so long every time. Also, GMA brought up her behavior one time to me, while it was just me and her and she thinks DH babys and spoils her a little too much and that its getting out of control. I did not say a word back about it. So I know that I have her support, I just REQUIRE I have DH's too.
So I need to know what you guys think? Am I wrong for asking him to discipline her when she acts out or is that his place/his child? I am not the type that can live with this situation. I can't disengage, bc GMA is there to do it all if I don't help with certain things, because this is what they are used to before I came along. Is it wrong of me to ask him to help her with her behaviors or should I just go and let him raise her on his own? I am so torn, but I do not want to give up on him or this little girl that needs me. It breaks my heart!!
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Comments
Read "step monster" by
Read "step monster" by Wednesday Martin and then have Dh read it. Get some counseling for yourself to help you figure this out.
I think there are multiple issues going on that you will not have control over. It's important for you to take care of yourself first and set boundaries with your Dh about what is happening.
When I came into the skids lives, they were badly behaved, tantrums, spoiled and socially way behind the curve. They still have problems and are not matured to their age level. They are 10 and 12, I have been telling Dh that they need to learn how to clean their rooms (dust, van, etc) since Aug. and they still haven't learned from Dh. I don't clean their rooms and soon they'll need a power van for the dust bunnies. I look at the dust bunnies as their Easter decorations...LOL
Bottom line...take care of yourself first.
I don't let my SD rule S^^t
I don't let my SD rule S^^t around here. I live here too, and I'm an adult. She is not. I don't do her laundry, I don't share my makeup. I don't share my clothes and I refuse to spend one dime on her. She has stolen enough from me in the last 2 years to completely sour me on the thought of even giving her enough for a stick of gum.
I do have one thing on my side that helps. My SD is in the juvenile justice probation program here, and if she gets stupid, I call her PO. And she knows I'll do it too.
And yeah, now she is a PREGNANT, horribly behaved 16yo. 0.o Greaaat. So I told BD that I have boundaries: Thats HER kid.. not mine. I won't help. She can do it on her own, and figure it out on her own. Mean? Yes. Necessary? Of course it is. She is just not 'getting it' that this is going to completely change her life forever. She honestly had the gall to tell me that I'd watch her kid while she went to school, when I'm off work. I said "Um... No.. I'm not. You can pay a sitter." She said "with what money?" to which I replied "get a job."
So my advice would be first to decide what you want your boundaries to be, and then decide what the consequences are going to be if your boundaries aren't respected. Then sit him down and tell him what your boundaries are, and what the consequences will be if they aren't respected. You need to let him know that while you love HIM, his child is causing you no end of frustration and that its mentally and emotionally draining you. You MUST do this. Its what I did, and so far, so good. I don't have to take NEAR as much blood pressure medication now
I've heard from several
I've heard from several people that Stepmonster is a great book to read for stepmoms. When I let DH have it the other night after we got done talking about things and calmed down, I asked him if he would read Stepmonster with me, maybe a chapter together a night. I am waiting for more money to buy this book, bc I know it will help me on a lot of things and I look forward to reading it.
Great way of looking at the dust bunnies! lol Made me smile!
I just want so bad for everything to fall into place, bc we have a wonderful opportunity to have a great family. I am not unrealistic in this, bc I dont expect it to happen overnight. But she is behind in several areas, especially socially. After we moved here in December, she sat in the house every day. Last month, I finally talked her into going to ask the neighbor girl, age 8 and 3 houses down, if she wanted to play. I went with her and stood back while she did it. They played nonstop for about a week straight, every day together. Now its been over a week and the little girl always has some excuse for why she can't play. I can't help but wonder if its bc of SD6 bratty behavior that this little girl doesnt want to play anymore.
Thank you for your comments! I appreciate the advice!
your SD6 sounds like mine and
your SD6 sounds like mine and is 13 now. When she was 6 she had absolutely no manners at all. Bullied her brothers to get control over them. She was almost like their surrogate mother while at Dads house and boss them around. She would do absolutely nothing for herself and leave messes all over the house. Watching my Dh walk around the house and pick up after them was like listening to nails on a chalk board.
Her mother has alienated her from Dh and we don't see her anymore. It was a difficult decision for Dh to make. She grew from being a bratty kid to worse. BM would encourage her to run away from our home, she would swear, hit and push Dh, she has broken and damaged a lot of property, BM taught her to call the police on us and BM has pulled DCF into the picture to investigate us. SD got so defiant and manipulated all our time we could not enjoy our visit with her brothers, so Dh had to stop having her come over.
I'm sharing this because I hate to see your family have to deal with this. I hope your Dh stops the behavior now and as a Judge said to all of us last year "you can't let her "drive the bus".
When you read the book, you will learn that the most important relationship is the relationship you share with Dh. SD needs to learn that and the stability of that will help her grow. Also, that the world and family do not revolve around SD.
I could go on and on...hope you're able to get the book soon!
Marquette, it doesn't sound
Marquette, it doesn't sound like you are being unsupportive to me. It's called the real world. You get pregnant at 16, you deal with the consequences, not everyone else. It is HER responsibility to figure everything out. I hate how kids now days think they are so entitled. It drives me crazy.
I think I will sit down and tell him my boundaries and the consequences if they are not followed. But what about like the dinner situation? There are 3 adults present, but I am typically the only one attempting to get her to have manners. Should I just leave that one be? It makes me not even want to have dinner with them, but in my room where there is peace and quiet. I want the chaos to stop at dinner, so I can have a nondisruptive dinner in my own house.
Great to hear you have been able to cut down on the blood pressure medication since setting boundaries.
I'll keep you updated, whether it works for me or not!
Yes, I worry that if she
Yes, I worry that if she doesn't figure out that the whole world doesn't revolve around her now that I will be living in pure stephell when she gets to teenage years. And quite frankly, if thats the case, im not going to stick around to watch it all go down. I'd rather keep my sanity and be single! Hopefully DH will see the light if I keep on him about it. Having recently moved, we do not have insurance so counseling is out of the question right now. But you can guarantee when we get it, I will def push the ideal bc I think it will help us all out for the better.
I agree. I could probably go
I agree. I could probably go about asking him "How am I mean?" with more sincerity. It just upsets me when I hear those words, bc I have been nothing but nice to her. I haven't given up hope yet that he can learn. Maybe hearing some things from a counselor will help him bc its not my opinion. I am pretty stubborn, so they way I see it is I am going to exhaust all options of doing what I can within my power to make the situation work and if nothings works then I will have no choice but to go. In order for me to move on afterwards, I have to know I tried everything I could.
Thank you for the words of encouragement!
What sticks my stomach raw
What sticks my stomach raw about that is your DHs comment about "glad you don't have kids of your own". That's the WTF moment for me. If you're so "unfit", why is he leaving his precious in your care? What happens if you two have a child together? If he's withholding affection from you, what part of him will a baby alloted in his (sds) eyes. What about her fits then? I'm sorry and I know I'm going to be viewed as way, WAY out of line here but, why are you there if the long term is non negotiable as far as this child goes? Theres daddys sweet 6yr old girl...then theres the future 14 year old hell child that was allowed to manipulate her dad and didn't have boundries!
Ya mylife i'm not going to
Ya mylife i'm not going to lie, that comment stuck straight through my heart! It hurt and still does. He apologized and said it was out of line. I completely agree with what you said about another baby. That's why I want to nip it in the bud now. She needs to understand that other people can and will be affectionate (within reason, I'm not asking him to make out with me in front of her) with her daddy, not just her!
Your comment was not out of line at all. It is something I have asked myself as well. If it doesn't change (we've only lived together for 4 months now) sometime within this year, I am fully prepared to walk. I am in college for Pharmacy and am only 27 yrs old. I have steered away from men with children bc of this very situation i'm in now. I know how much it bothers me now, so there is now way i'm going to deal with it for the rest of my life.
Manipulation at its finest and it works on daddy everytime. I asked him if he would start paying attention to when she's manipulating and when she honestly is upset over something. 9 out of 10 times its manipulation. I refuse to fall for it and baby her. No boundaries at all either. It frustrates me to no end. She is the child and he is the adult and they need to act like it!!
So did he answer you as to
So did he answer you as to whether he will be affectionate with you in front of her or if he will treat you as a parental partner? If not, you are young- walk away! It's so hard to be a step-parent, don't give away your freedom unless you have full support of your SO and then some.
No, I told him how important
No, I told him how important that was to me. That I can't even get a kiss/hug from my SO in my own house, unless its behind closed doors. He replied back with "i'm not going to be all over you all the time." Now come on, like I expect that! So basically didn't really get an answer. I think we need to have another talk, bc I still don't feel at ease about this situation. Also, he said I can be whatever I want to be to SD6, its my choice. Yeah right! It's my choice, yet when I make it, I get no support whatsoever for trying to be a "mother" figure in her life since she doesn't have one. It's kinda sad bc SO is the one holding everything back and really he doesn't get that its HIS choice to make, bc i've already made mine regarding SD6. I also realize that without SO's support, this isn't ever going to work!
Breaks my heart!