Any suggestions that would help with cursing problem?
We have major major issues with Ss swearing. It is absolutely filthy language. But he was basically abused where he heard those words used on him on a daily basis. But shouldn't he understand how those words make us feel? He calls us assholes on a regularly. Tell us to f*** off. And he called me the c word once which really hurt.
We have younger kids and we don't want them picking up this language. Last night we had to to Dh's parents' place to sign some legal documents. We couldn't leave the kids alone so we had to bring them. Ss didn't even get out of the car when we got there. Then on the way back my sons were being kids and were singing/shouting at each other. Ss snaps and yells "Shut the f*** up". My Dh got angry and for the first time ever in a long time, he tried disciplining Ss for cursing. We had given up a long time ago. He made Ss get out of the car and said "If you keep saying bad words you can't ride in the car". We were only 4 houses away and we live in a gated community so its not like it was that bad. But of course, 20 mins goes by and Ss still is not home. Both of us had to drive around separately for an hour when we found him wandering in a field 2 miles from where we live, throwing rocks at a tree. And when we asked him why he didn't come home, he didn't even answer. Dh told me later that he was going stop being a nice guy and use tough love instead. Which scares me but I have to support him in front of Ss. But the tough love approach obviously didn't work last night.
Is there anyway we can counter all the years of him being around this language? No punishment works. He basically punishes himself 24/7 by lying in his bed all day. Are there any creative methods out there?
And regarding Ss's school. Thanks for the posters who suggested the online school. We found one and we are going to hire a "nanny" who will be with Ss in the day, to make sure he does the work. He starts Tuesday. Hopefully it will go well.
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Ginger probably won't work in
Ginger probably won't work in my family. We eat very spicy food. Maybe we should try guilting him somehow. Which is tough since he probably does not care about any of us.
get a bar of soap, wet it,
get a bar of soap, wet it, lather a tooth brush up and have him scrub his teeth one minute a letter. I only cursed in front of my great grandmother once.
We tried the brushing with
We tried the brushing with sap thing. He just glared at us and kept brushing until his gums bled. So we are probably not going to try that again.
I make a lot of stir fries
I make a lot of stir fries with ginger and garlic too. All of us eat the ginger, which are kind of big. Are we wierd?
We always would have had a
We always would have had a little soap, though FYI . . dont use the liquid kind. It comes out faster than you think it will. BIO daughter now 28, I can STILL remember her out puking in her grandmas fig bush! Yikes, I only meant a little bit. Never did that again.
AFTER that period of time? I would make my girls either get the phone book, or the BIBLE (I thought it was best) and start in PSALMS . . . I made them copy it until I told them to stop. They LEARN something and get punished all at the same time! LOL
We tried the lines. He will
We tried the lines. He will just sit there and not write anything. And at a certain we crack because we have other things to do. I kid you not, he went three days without writing lines once.
WOW! Mine did what they were
WOW! Mine did what they were told . . . maybe get a "comic" book that he might REALLY like? Yeah, it might be something that he likes buuuuttt if it MADE him read it and do it? Then he is "doing" what you are wanting him to do, without him realizing it? That might just start the ball rolling? Just a suggestion . . . sometimes we gotta do something good to get what we want out of them. And they dont even realize what "hit" them.
Or type it on the computer???
Or type it on the computer???
Not a big fan of writing
Not a big fan of writing things as punishment. We ran into an issue with SS8's teacher making him write his name 800 times because he forgot it on an assignment - started as 100 the first day, he didn't finish, it doubled every day until we FINALLY found out about it and contacted the school. Prior to our meeting with the teacher, I did a lot of research on effective consequences versus punishment and found a lot of articles on education methods and discipline that said that using writing as a punishment is not only not very effective, but can also make kids dislike writing in general.
We got soap when we were kids.
FDH and I have really been trying to come up with consequences rather than punishments. IE - if you do this, then x happens and the two things are actually related. That's tough with something like this, though. I can't really think of something related. Luckily it hasn't been issue in our house yet, but I know it will at some point. If SS8 let the f word fly tonight (he has heard it and does know it's a "bad" word), my guess is he'd get a timeout. I guess I'd connect the two as "if you're going to use language that we've told you is unacceptable, then we are going to physically remove you from the conversation for awhile." It's a stretch, but it's the best I've got right now.
does ss have RAD? reactive
does ss have RAD? reactive attachment disorder?
is the whole family in therapy to help deal with his problems?
My Dh and I go to different
My Dh and I go to different therapists. My kids are pretty well-adjusted. And Ss goes to therapy. He doesn't have RAD. He is just angry and sad most of the time.
I'm in agreement.
I'm in agreement. Pussy-footing around with this kid isn't getting you anywhere. I think it's good that your husband tried being tough with him by making him get out of the car, but then you both threw it all out the window when you went out looking for him.
As for his cussing, he's not a child. Ginger, soap, writing sentences isn't going to work. He needs to be told that it's unacceptable behavior and that you won't tolerate it. He can spend all day every day by himself in his room (which is what he does anyway), but he cannot cuss in front of you or the other kids. His cussing at you is a reflection of the abuse he suffered. Ask him is that's who he really wants to be?
I guess you guys are right.
I guess you guys are right. We kind of had to look for him. It was getting late.
He knows it unacceptable. And he rarely talks anymore. He doesn't even talk with his siblings (his choice). The few times he is with us, he never talks, or he snaps like he did yesterday. I guess we just leave him to his room. And we can't even bring up the abuse in the house without WW3 starting. We had to leave it to the therapist to deal with.
It all right StepAside. I
It all right StepAside. I dont think he would burn the house down. But I am pretty sure he will refuse to clean any other room except his own.
Yes yes yes
Yes yes yes
We have had talks like these
We have had talks like these that always end with him screaming and crying and throwing things at my Dh. And you are right, we can't force him to better himself. He has to do that himself and right now, he would rather just stay in bed all day. We are just grappling with how to make him understand. I wish we never sent him to that school. He was doing ok before that. He at least talked to us and would at least try smiling. But now he just hates our guts and has made it clear he will never trust us again.
i'm so so sorry. i'm with
i'm so so sorry.
i'm with stepaside on this tho. i don't think any sort of punishment will phase him. it's like he's screaming for it.
i think only positive experience where he feels loved will help him but he rejects every attempt you make.
has it been a year since he's been with you? i thought he moved in around aug '11???
but then i know that sometimes punishment shows love...but i just dunno...
it's only been a year and he's had so many set backs.
i remember someone saying they had a friend who went through some similar horrors and it took him about 3 years to be able to move on.
just be consistent with him is all i can suggest.
try to help him see that putting him in that place was a mistake and you did it out of love for him. and you would appreciate his forgiveness. it wasn't meant to hurt him. and if you'd wanted to abandon him you wouldn't have brought him home.
i hope it sinks in...
He has been with us 3 and
He has been with us 3 and half years now. We did try and tell him we tried the therapeutic school out of love and only wanted to help. But he made it plenty clear in an email that he will never trust us again for it. And even the regular school had bullies in them. Maybe only time will help him now.
he will always have
he will always have disappointments. everybody will fail him. unfortunately he was failed in such a ginormous way by his own mother as a child. it's been 3.5 years!!! wow!
i just had an idea...dunno...i'm not psychologist and i'm sure it's been said before.
but he has trust issues. i would not normally give a kid this much power. but what if you told ss that he will be consulted on any treatment that you are considering and that his feelings about it would play a big part in your decision. then he would be allowed to have some control over his own life.
maybe offer him 3 choices of what can happen and have him choose???
Thanks for the advice Draco.
Thanks for the advice Draco. We don't dole out physical punishments. And its hard to rationalize with a child who says he hates you
Maybe we should just live with it.
You are probably right. I
You are probably right. I doubt there is much we can do right now. Maybe in tme.
The other kids do not know about the abuse. No one does. Just my Dh, the therapist and me. Ss made us swear not to tell any family and we have kept our word. Its frustrating because our family either think he has mental issues or is just a spoilt brat. I get so frustrated I have walked away from conversations. We tell our kids that Ss feels very sad and angry and we need to help him. Trying to make our kids understand has been tough. But luckily they have been able to lead very happy normal lives (which I think makes Ss angry)
I'm afraid you have far
I'm afraid you have far bigger fish to fry than swearing, and since punishment won't work with him, I have no idea what would work.
I usually can think of advice to try and offer on every single post on Steptalk, except yours. I honestly have NO idea what you could possibly do to help this kid. I feel so bad for your whole situation. I just hope things get better for your family.
this is EXACTLY how i
this is EXACTLY how i feel...i just pray for them all the time!
SD15 has a similar problem -
SD15 has a similar problem - she regularly tells people to "f**k off" and has called me a b*tch more time than I can count. She also taught SS7 to call me that when he was 6.
When she lived with her BM and her string of abusive boyfriends, she regularly heard that kind of language. Her response to stop saying certain phrases is that "(BM's boyfriend) used to tell me that all the time".
She does it to get a reaction. She enjoys making us angry and pissed off at her. She's angry and wants to make us hurt as bad as she does.
I don't know what to do. Punishments don't work on SD15 any more than they do your SS. She seems to enjoy making her dad pissed at her and to punish her. She doesn't want to just get along and not make waves. It's not like these kids don't understand the consequences. They completely do and they are choosing to be as angry and defiant as possible.
I have been following your
I have been following your story for a long time and feel so bad for you and SS!! But, I think I agree with Ripley. Maybe telling him you will no longer put up with this or can no longer "handle" this. Make sure he knows you're not giving up on him, and that you love him, but that he has given up on himself and that the only other step left is to send him somewhere where they know how to handle it. There just seems to be nothing y'all can do for this kido. It's horrifying. But you also have a whole family that is affected. Like a very wise person once told me: when one person is causing damage to a whole family, maybe it's time to let that one person go. it sad because you obviously do not want to "give up" but you and your husband are being damaged by this (emotionally) every day. And as horrifying as the thought is, what if he one day manages to commit suicide? Would it be worse than him "thinking" you gave up on him and having him committed? mayb if he gets the right help he can one day be ok?!?
i just dont jnow what else to say.. And I just feel so sad for you Hun! :(:(
I know my words are not so encouraging
We did send him to a
We did send him to a therapeutic school for 3 weeks. It was terrible. He wouldnt eat. He refused the use the common washroom. He would be very constipated until my Dh would visit him on weekends in a hotel. It was a terrible mess. And it made everything a million times worse when he got back. That is why we are so wary of sending him away again.
Hi Melissa. Thanks for the
Hi Melissa. Thanks for the advice. If only he would tell us why he does these things. It is worse than pulling teeth to get him to talk. At this point, we think he really hates us. This extreme hating started after we sent him to the therapeutic school. He told us to go to hell and that he will never trust us again.