Skids Judging Their Parents
This has been bothering me after reading the Dear Abby article. Kids shouldn’t be actively encouraged to criticize their parents over their failures. It’s completely disrespectful. Even as a adult, I would never judge my parents for the choices they’ve made - good or bad - or demand that they explain themselves to me.
But that’s exactly what SD15 did (especially last year, when she was only 14). It doesn’t matter whether or not DH has or hasn’t made mistakes. He is her father and she has no right to question him on that or even bring it up. “Honor thy mother and father” has been completely forgotten - unless it’s excusing the behavior of bad BMs.
In the Dear Abby article - why wasn’t her response that the 15 year old had no right to even know what child support her father was paying, what his salary was or if he was or wasn’t paying what he should? Or why the child even had this information? This is clearly a case of PAS where a BM has been bashing the father. Even if he is a deadbeat, the child has no right to know this and shouldn’t be allowed to judge her father even if he is. It’s continuing to allow kids to act like adults and be involved in things that do not concern them.
In my case, SD15 doesn’t have a BM that bashed DH that she remembers (BM was been out of her life for 10 years) but her maternal grandmother and half-siblings insisted on “not shielding her from the truth”. What a crock.
I keep telling DH that he needs to shut SD15 down any time she rants at him about what he did or didn’t do or why he did things, but he continues to validate the ranting by defending himself and arguing with her. And when she asks him why he did or didn’t do something and she doesn’t like the response she gets, she holds that against him and he digs himself into an even deeper hole. There’s no way to satisfy her. She doesn’t want the truth or to forgive him or understand him, she just wants more reasons to hate him.
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Comments
Thats what comes from no
Thats what comes from no boundaries, PAS and adult spousal status! very inappropriate.
I think a lot of it boils
I think a lot of it boils down to the adults and how they handle it. There is a lot of information about these types of situations that kids don't need to know and shouldn't be saddled with. I believe in being honest with kids but I also believe that there's some information that should stay between adults, like disagreements mom and dad or mom and stepmom are having, and CS. Kids are smart and will undoubtedly form their own opinions on situations, but they don't need to know the adult nitty-gritty. There are certain things out there that they should be protected from.
Maybe he does need to shut her down. Neither of you can force her to forgive him or anyone else. But it might let her know that she needs to start being honest with her therapist and get to the root of the real problem and until she is at least willing to treat you both respectfully (she doesn't have to forgive DH to be nice to either of you, she just has to treat you both like fellow humans) it wouldn't be a good idea for her and her dad to contact each other. By his own admission, he wasn't the best dad. But carrying around so much hate for so long towards others isn't exactly the best thing for anyone, either. I think that if DH were to back off, the time and distance from him might help her to come to those realizations, even if it takes her years.
I sooooooo agree with this!!!
I sooooooo agree with this!!! My SSs (all three of em) all judge their Dad/my DH for everything. I cant stand it!! It hurts me to see/watch them be like this to him. He doesnt deserve it!! My DD would never dare do that to me, it wouldnt be tolerared!!
I have no idea why my SSs feel they can judge my DH & what he does/diesnt do. I know in all certainty i woulda be tossed into tommarow had I done that as a child to my parents!! Its sad that my SSs know things they shouldnt know at their age. We can blame BM in this for us. She told the kids things that they shoukdnt know. Its sad & they hv alot of anger in them.