sleeping arrangements
My boyfriend has two kids 14 and 11. They will come into our bed and climb in when they can't sleep. My boyfriend thinks this is ok because they have been through a lot through the divorce. I told him this makes me feel uncomfortable and our bedroom is our space. I have a ten year old and he never has climbed into bed and I don't want that either. Now my boyfriend waits till I go to work and let's his kids climb into the bed. That is my space and I don't know what to do. Please any suggestions will be a great help!!
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Annnnnd the NUMBER ONE SIGN
Annnnnd the NUMBER ONE SIGN of a GUILTY DADDY IS: (drum roll)
COSLEEPING WITH HIS CHILDREN!!!
Here are the other RED FLAG WARNING SIGNS!!
1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)
2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?
3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habits, eating habits, bedtime habits?
4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)
5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?
6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?
7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern
8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?
9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?
10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?
11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.
12. Has dad said things to you like "you don't like my children" or "you're a child hater" or "my children are afraid of you" or "my children don't like you?" This is code for you are able to see through the manipulation and the children don't like it. . . and frankly he doesn't like the fact that you can see through his children's manipulation either. He'd rather look the other way as opposed to actually parenting because he might "lose" his children to the (almost always) PASinator BM.
If you can answer YES to ANY of these questions, get your sneakers ready to go.
Do you know your man's FINANCIAL situation? Do you know if he has massive left over marital debt? How high is his CS obligation? Have you seen the divorce decree or mediation agreement. Does it seem overly slanted in BM's favour?
Love and "understanding" simply does not cover it all. Especially in the case of stepmom is supposed to be "understanding" when all of her money goes to household expenses b/c almost all of biodad's money goes to CS.
How long would you be willing to float biodad should he lose a job and have massive CS obligations?
There are many other considerations as this type of relationship is not to be taken lightly.
Oh good, the list! Yea, I
Oh good, the list!
Yea, I hate to tell you, but if his solution to you being uncomfortable is waiting until you've gone and then doing it anyway, he sees nothing wrong with it, then you aren't going to change it or him or his guilty dad behavior. (Which I have to say freaks me out a little with a 14 year old...) If he's open to talking about this stuff, you might want to ask him how's he's going to address his kids having a rough time when they're 16, 18, 22, 30.... at what point is them being in the bed with him creepy and at what point is he going to help them develop other coping skills.
Is this his solution for their first break-up, getting rejected by a college, not getting a promotion? This is supposed to start with infants - it's called self-soothing I believe...
Anyway, if he's not open to talking about it and persists in this behavior, I'd be packing up myself and my kid of packing up his crap, but I wouldn't let it get farther. It's possible that he thinks this is a compromise or something, but yea, helping his kids would be getting them therapy, not letting them in your bed.
@missuzie: Run, RUN,
@missuzie: Run, RUN, RUN!!!!
This crap only gets worse! After almost nine years into it I have a house in my name that biodad feels "entitled" to. GET OUT NOW!! SAVE YOURSELF and find a nice CHILD FREE MAN!!
It's one thing for a toddler
It's one thing for a toddler to do it....... Borderline for a preschoolers...... But 11 and 14....... No way.
Ewe. If they were toddlers I
Ewe. If they were toddlers I could see this as not gross. At this age, this grosses me out. At this age, its now a strange pathological issue.
Yes-this is very
Yes-this is very inappropriate! I guess you could start sleeping in the nude, leaving sex toys and frilly lingerie lying about to deter this.
11 & 14. Creepy, just
11 & 14. Creepy, just creepy.
My boyfriend wears pajamas to
My boyfriend wears pajamas to bed and so does his kids.when I first moved in with him and it has been almost two years I said that the kids are old enough to stay in their own beds and he said the kids were having a hard time dealing with the divorce. His wife of nineteen years decided to have an affair and move out and I think he has a harder time dealing with it then his kids. It was a constant issue at first and I thought we had the issue resolved until recently. I work in early morning at 230 and I heard his eleven old come into bedroom crying because he couldn't sleep and my boyfriend thought I left for work and saw that his son was in our bed. I confronted him and said that our bedroom is not a place for consoling a child. He has to set boundaries and I don't know if he can because he feels that his kids do not deserve what their mother did to them
Whoa, 2 years?? I'm sorry
Whoa, 2 years?? I'm sorry but the pajamas does not make this any better, it's still weird and kind of icky. This is a teenager and pre-teen.
He's definitely a guilty daddy and those very rarely change. They will always give in to their children because the child has been "traumatized". Sure, the kids didn't deserve what their mom did to them, but it happened, just like all kind of other things in life will happen that he will also be totally unable to make up for.
If you already know he's not going to be able to set boundaries, you need to consider if this is a life you want to continue to live for the rest of yours, knowing he is unlikely to change and there will likely be more, bad, weird things as the kids get older. If you don't think you can deal with a total lack on boundaries on his part than what you can do about it is leave. Otherwise, there's nothing you can do about it, you can't Make him change. Only you can decide what you're willing to put up with and how big of a deal with is.