Grief overflow.......
Today I took a BIG step for me. I work for an attorney and I called the man we refer people to for AA to inquire about grief counseling.
A little background, DH and I have been friends for 16 years now. We started dating last March and got married in July. It was one of those cliché, this is what is supposed to be, relationships. In May my father and brother in law were hit head on by a drunk driver. My father passed away in July, one week after DH and I were married. I thought I had ‘processed’ all of these feelings I have over this trauma in my life, but apparently I have not.
I have found that I snap off at DH for no apparent reason. Now granted, sometimes he gives me one, but yesterday he didn’t. I just had what he referred to as a “neck breaking mood swing” and flipped out. I was just pissed. Idk why. Then he asked me why and that pissed me off even more. I told him I felt more like his roommate than his wife lately. I told him I felt ignored, that he does his own thing, I do mine, and occasionally we meet back to sleep beside each other, but here lately he’s been coming to bed way after me as well. He didn’t like this confession to much. He said I was becoming a rude bitch to him and everyone I came in contact with. He said that I made it really hard for anyone to care about what is going on inside me when I go out of my way to be uncaring and cold toward everyone and that he wasn’t the only person in my life that felt this way.
So I text my mother. I asked her flat out and she agreed. My sister and another friend I’ve talked to today also agree that I’m severely unhappy and am projecting it onto everyone around me. I sat and thought for a very long time about this and realized they are right. I guess I haven’t dealt w/the grief of losing my father. I’m having trouble sleeping, I can’t focus on my job, and I’m just overly in a bad mood pretty much on a daily basis.
I’m not sure what I mean to gain by blogging all this other than to get all my thoughts out to somewhere. This site has helped me tremendously in dealing w/the added stress of becoming a new SM and having to deal w/a bitchface BM.
I guess I’m just wondering, are all these unprocessed feelings I have spilling over into my everyday life?
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most likely yes. Try to get
most likely yes.
Try to get it out. If you need to go cry at his grave, scream in the street, contact the driver that killed him. Everyone handles things differently. when my cousin was killed I bottled up everything. It came back full force and broke me down. I had to confront my uncle by going to "visit" him in the state pen. I screamed at him, and got everything out. I felt amazingly better after that and I was able to open up and talk to my family, and then I went to see a shrink which has helped even more. Find your release.
Thanks Ommy. That means alot
Thanks Ommy. That means alot coming from you because I know you have dealt with so much lately.
We had to creamate so I don't have a grave persay. I drive by the site everyday on my way to work. The driver is still going through courtdates, etc, so that probably won't be over for at least another year or two which also sucks.
I had been dead set against seeing someone, idk why, but I'm finally giving in. I think it will do me good.
I have seen my shrink for
I have seen my shrink for years. I would go crazy without him. he helped me with my cousins passing, with PTSD when I came home and he has been helping me now with baby momma drama. If you are dead set against it, honestly it wont help until you are ready. Also dont settle for the first person you see. See a few. You have to put all your trust into a person you have to be completely comfortable with that person. I questioned mine about his beliefs, morals, family, everything. When you find the right one you will know. It is kind of like finding the perfect car, question it, take it out on a test drive, then sit on the choices before you commit.
I've been in and out of
I've been in and out of exactly where you are for awhile now. FDH and I are getting married in August, I moved in with him and his to sons (he has 50/50) last February. A couple of months before that, my grandmother died - which was expected but we were quite close - and a week after that my brother committed suicide. I'm still struggling with the SM role since I don't have any kids of my own and BM is (we don't have proof, but a very strong feeling) bipolar and will alternate between not communicating at all and over communicating about crap that makes no differnce. She's made my life so difficult that even seeing an email from her makes me not want to be around the boys at all. I know I'm taking some of the adjustment stress and resulting stress/grief from my brother's death out on FDH. He's very linear thinking and a "fixer" so if I'm upset about something, it usually results in him pushing harder to "fix it" which makes me completely lose it. I'm procrastinating on the counseling thing, but know I need to do it soon.
Good luck. You are doing the right thing.
I've been procrastinating on
I've been procrastinating on it too! Some of the things you wrote apply to my life exactly.
Thank you!
That is a lot to deal with.
That is a lot to deal with. I think counseling would give you a healthy outlet. Do not be discouraged if the first counselor you see is not a good fit for you. It's a very intimate and personal relationship, its important for a connection to be there and you might have to go through a few before you find the right one.
Seek out the counciling. I
Seek out the counciling. I went through very much the same when my ex's 1st affair came out followed on the heal with my grandmothers death and I took on the burden and the blame for both (I was the one who decided to take her off life support, and let my ex blame me for his affair) 5 years later without counciling or help I lost it on everyone around me. I had alienated everyone, friends, family, coworkers and my own children. I WANTED to be a hermit I wanted the world to go away. When I got help I got better. I'm in a much better place and I know none of what happened was my fault. There was so much unprocessed grief and misplaced guilt. Sometimes its reaching out a hand for a helping hand up out of grief that changes our whole world it makes you human.
Do the therapy. Also look at
Do the therapy. Also look at anti-depressants. The yelling is a part of depression. We take it out on people. I had huge losses in my life and honestly without the therapy would have been a mess.
Do the work and it does get better.