Well ladies (and gentlemen) I'm not sure where things are at with SO but for me they are at a screeching halt. My birthday was 2 days ago and it happened to be my magic number birthday where I had thought prior to now that by this age I would be on my way to married, start a family, etc. I get that life doesn't always work in those ways but I've had a startling epiphany. I don't even have these options available to me. I can't live with that. SO (he has been downgraded from FDH) has been pussyfooting about marriage/kids issue for a while now (almost a year) we've been together for 4 years. I deserve more. I can't sacrifice my whole life to be at the beck and call for his first family. I deserve a turn. I deserve a happy marriage and a child with or without him. I've given up my career and much of my independence to be here and this is one thing I will NOT give up. I will not raise someone elses kids like a used up nanny for years on end. We talked about it tonight. He didn't known what to say (shocker) and I won't give him an ultimatum. Its really sad because I love him very much as he does me but frankly I feel a bit taken advantage of. If allowed I honestly believe he'd just go on as we are indefinitely. This isn't a marriage. We are boyfriend and girlfriend. He feels they are the same. He is the only one. Even his kids know. The 5 year old tells me all the time (not snotty) "everyone is a *insert last name* but you". Its excuses and crap and I'm not going to use up the best years of my life devoting myself solely to him and his. I want more for MYSELF. This is the first i have actually considered myself in a long time. Though he may disagree. I can't believe I am at a point where I am considering ending things over this and all the complications there-in but I too have my lines and deal breakers and my generosity has run out. Everyone in this situation doesn't want to be a parent and wants Cinna to clean up the mess. I've had enough. If standing my ground means turning my life upside down than I will. I don't know what else to do. It's only fair to him to find someone willing to give endlessly to his family. Someone laid back who doesn't care that he works 60+ hours a week. Someone who doesn't mind a lack of ability to put into the relationship what they take out. I suppose if that isn't me than we need to do what's right and go our separate ways. Feels like there isn't room in here for my life, my dreams. He said that's part of being a family. I told him we aren't a family. HE and his KIDS are a family. I am a babysitting live in girlfriend. Ladies I can't believe I am saying this but I may be hanging up my super step mom cape. I don't even know if I would miss it or not. I'm not sure what to think or feel. The conversation started because I wanted to discuss with him the concept of making BM step up to the plate. He made it real clear he cant force her and that he physically cant do it for her cuz hes at work. It progressed and I realized even further that I am here to fulfill needs. There's obviously love between us but really how am I supposed to start a family with someone who doesn't want to and isn't around? It's not huge pressing thing but I deserve the OPPORTUNITY at least. I'm sorry he fucked BM enough times to get 4 dependents. This isn't my fault or punishment, but suddenly I am seeing the impact on my life.

Sorry if I am reiterating things but honestly I was sort of blind sided by how the conversation went. Where it went. He told me that everything revolves around me. How the house runs, the visitation etc. and that everyone is ok with it but me. Yeah? maybe because I am DROWNING under the crushing pressure of toooo much responsibility for a situation I didn't create. There's some guilt in there mixed in with resentment and anger. In the end after all of the explaining how I feel and asking why he says nothing he tells me "Well I just don't know what to do..."

Fabulous.
Guess it's up to me to decide what to do.