SO has finally seen the light! SKID-free wedding :)
My bf and I are finally, after 7 years and 2 beautiful boys together, getting MARRIED ^_^ Discussing the ceremony, he mentioned how "nice" it would be to have his kids (my SD8 and SS10) included in the ceremony 
Knowing how they are, I wasn't too keen on the idea - they would have made the day all about them and caused a ruckus in front of our families (SO's family knows all about his history with BM, but MY side doesn't and frankly, I'm embarrassed by the SKIDS' lack of respect and general etiquette)...Anyway, for SO's sake, I bit the bullet and agreed (although not so vocally or enthusiastically). Well, I'm happy to say that he has now changed his mind about having them at the wedding 
Just this past weekend (they actually went home earlier today), they kept complaining how when they're here, we never do anything and how they don't get anything - their mother spoils them rotten so of course, they feel entitled to all their hearts' desire. Let me just say that this is simply not true. Every Saturday that they're over, we make it a point to go out (even if just to run errands) just so they're not stuck in the house; and they DO get things (even though they don't deserve them!). This weekend, we decided to treat them to McDonald's for supper (I had a long dr appointment and didn't feel like cooking afterwards) and SO took them to the park and rented movies for them to watch later that night. They got more than what they usually get at our house when they come over. But was that enough???? Of course not! SO was livid ^_^ And now, they will no longer be in the wedding (YAY!). The only thing is that we'll have them that weekend (Canadian Thanksgiving long weekend)...so we'll have to screw up one of the weekends before then so that they won't be over on that day.
Bottom line, I'm SO happy that MY wedding will now be stress and SKID-free They are a total embarrassment to us - they have NO manners or sense of decency or respect. BM spoils them so much that now, she has to continue it or else they'll turn against her. She's now off his medical so she has to pay full-price; so how is that going to work now that she has to keep buying them stuff? She's dug herself a nice big hole, and there's no way SO will be helping her out!
I know they're his kids and they should come before anything, but they are so screwed up (thanks to BM) it's hard to have any kind of sympathy for them. They're basically heathens who think the world revolves around them! I want my wedding day to be special and all about us, but if they were there, it would've been all about THEM - SD8 complaining how "nasty" the food is, and SD10 (who was diagnosed as ADHD, but has had no change from his meds)rolling around on the grass (it's going to be an outdoor ceremony) and jumping all over the chairs! UGH! OH! And SD10 eating his food like a dog (his face LITERALLY 2 inches away from the plate!) with food smeared all over his face - NO LIE, he eats like this and it's disgusting!
I just hope SO doesn't change his mind!
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Comments
Good for you! SD wasn't at
Good for you! SD wasn't at our wedding either. It's OUR wedding, not theirs. Of course MIL whined how she wished she was there, but the day was so much better without her. She's young too so I doubt she would've cared even if she was there. Yours are boys so I'm sure they aren't interested either.
Congrats on your big day!!
I TOTALLY agree - it IS OUR
I TOTALLY agree - it IS OUR DAY, not theirs (which they would MAKE it THEIR day if they were there!). I mean, if you KNEW my SKIDS, you'd understand - they don't belong in a nice QUIET outdoor garden ceremony! And like yours, they ARE young (at least they're immature) and they probably won't even WANT to be there - they don't even want to be at our house because it's so "boring", so why put them through the agony of a wedding??? One's a girl(8) and the other one's a boy (10), but I doubt they'd care either way.
Thanks for your reply. It seems like it's the only "positive" one here (other than 1 other reply). I mean, I thought I could vent my TRUE feelings (about my SKIDS)on here without being judged, and I feel like I AM being judged for not wanting a very special day ruined. For those thinking it'll affect my SKIDS in the long run, believe me it WON'T. These kids are so far up their own asses, they don't even know what colour our van is! I mean, seriously! All they care about is themselves. They won't care that their father and I are getting married. If they DO care (and have negative feelings about it), it'll only be because their mother will say bad things about it. And they ARE their mother's children!
But THANK YOU, littlemommy, for not judging and understanding how I feel. Is it any different, under normal circumstances, when a relative isn't invited to a wedding for certain reasons? My FMIL didn't invite her brother to her granddaughter's wedding because she was afraid that her son (who had caused some friction in the family) would cause an embarrassment to the family - and trust me when I say that this woman is a saint and has done do much for us and the rest of her family!
Don't worry too much about
Don't worry too much about it. At the end of the day, your FDH made the decision, you're just happy about it. When DH and I got married, we had a small ceremony with a few people we selected. DH's daughter wasn't there and my mom wasn't there.
We wanted the day to be simple, laid back and drama free. His daughter was a toddler, so I guess we're different there since your SKs are older. All I'm saying is that you have the right to assess your situation and decide what's best for you.
You've said that you were willing to suck it up, so if their father feels the need to not have them there I don't know why you should try to change his mind. At the end of the day, I don't think it is that big of a deal.
By the way, congrats and enjoy the day.
Thanks for the comment. It's
Thanks for the comment. It's one of the comments that didn't make me feel guilty for being honest with myself
Apparently, most posters here read too fast as I DID say that if FDH wanted them there, I'd accept it. You're the only one who acknowledged that 
I'm sure he'll change his mind - he's got too much heart - but the SKIDS being the way they are, I'm sure he'll change it back LOL
If he doesn't want them in
If he doesn't want them in the wedding, he should at least allow them to attend.
No matter how bad the kids are, unless he was MIA, he shares the blame for how they behave.
He wasn't MIA - his "wife"
He wasn't MIA - his "wife" (if you could call her that when they were together) cheated on him and took the kids...then proceeded to "poison" them against us. He's not to blame for their bad behaviour - SHE is. I can certainly vouch for this because he's a great dad to OUR kids. He may be to blame in that he's not AROUND full-time to help correct/nurture their behaviour, but ultimately, it's because of their mother and her selfishness that they are the way they are. At our house, we ALWAYS try to enforce good behaviour because how THEY act rubs off on our 4-yr-old, and we want to raise him the best we can.
If we don't include them in the ceremony, but let them attend, wouldn't that be just as bad? They're only 8 and 10 and would be bored out of their minds, hence my fear of them acting out - just because they can :S
IDK It's a very sensitive matter, but if SO doesn't want them there (and not in a mean way) then I won't object. At the same time, if he DOES then I'll just have to grin and bare it...and say "I told you so" afterwards!
We haven't discussed it with
We haven't discussed it with them yet. They're quite immature (even for 8 and 10) and it would pretty much be pointless. If we wanted them in the ceremony, they're mother would be dead set against it and cause drama (as she so often does)...and if we just spring it on them (like on the day of), they might start acting out and cause trouble for us, which we won't need with all the stress we'll already have to deal with. And if they just attend, their mother will start drama anyway, saying why weren't they in the ceremony!
We'll have to wait and see what happens.
My FDH's "kids" are not
My FDH's "kids" are not invited to our wedding, either. They are 18,19, and 22. I don't want them there, and he did not either. He made the choice, and I am glad. BM is crazy, and they would have told her about it and she would have come and caused a scene. I am positive one of them would have done something. I don't trust them, and I do not like them, probably because they lie, steal, do drugs, and call me a whore. They have an estranged relationship with FDH as it is. So, it was really an easy decision.
Your skids are much younger, but they behave like my FDH's adult kids. So, I get it. I understand. However, due to their ages, I think your FDH needs to make it clear that he is the one who decided they will not be there. And you need to make sure he is definitely ok with it. If he regrets it some day, you will be the one he turns the blame on, maybe....I hope that makes sense.
While I understand not
While I understand not wanting your SKids in/at the wedding, this could pose a problem if your Bkids are going to be there.
There's nothing wrong with excluding them provided there won't be other children there as well.
I'm assuming that your kids will be there...as someone else suggested, is there maybe an aunt that could be made responsible for the SKids?
Looks like theres a mix of
Looks like theres a mix of feelings on this one. My FDH came with SD4 and we have BS1 together. He has made it known that he wants SD4 at the wedding, but hasnt said anything about IN the wedding. Shell be 5 if we stick with the date Ive picked later this year, but I dont have any desire for a flower girl.
I understand that many see this as a 'joining the family bs..' but I dont have separate kids. I plan to have several pics of just me and FDH, without our BS as well, only because I know itll cause a fuss if I make it known I want pics w/o SD in them. All the more reason the photographer will know ahead of time.
I wont be displaying any pics of 'us 4' so theres no need to be shooting lots.
I wasnt invited to the 'wedding' of my dad and stepmom, and her kids werent there either. No hurt feelings! People are so worried about how kids feel about this or that. Eventually they grow up and if they dont move on and get over it.. oh well!
I agree on the mixed
I agree on the mixed feelings. Even though I've THOUGHT it, FDH was the one who said it OUT LOUD. I just agreed, which I usually do when it comes to his other kids. If he wanted them IN the ceremony, or even just THERE, then I wouldn't object because that's HIS decision. As I've stated before, he wanted them there when we first started talking about getting married, and I went along with it. But seeing how their behaviour gets worse and worse, HE decided (for the time being anyway) that it would be best for them NOT to be there.
The kids have no scope of anything regarding these kind of issues. They don't care who's married to whom; all they care about is the stuff they get and going places. SD8 cried when her mother mentioned divorce papers and "daddy and mommy not being together", but SD8 was only 18 months when her parents separated! She's never remembered a home where her mother and father lived together, so why the tears NOW??? I've been in the picture for as long as she can remember, and their mother has been with the same guy for just as long, too! Kids are very resilient and they just "get used" to things. And with this wedding, there won't be anything different (other than the fact that I'll have the same last name as them). They simply don't care.
BTW congrats on your big day, too!
Is dad going to act like a
Is dad going to act like a fool and be upset all day because its not about/for him? Will dad keep the bride or groom from enjoying THEIR day and be whiny because hes bored or not getting enough attention?
??? *Will dad keep the bride
???
*Will dad keep the bride or groom from enjoying THEIR day and be whiny because hes bored or not getting enough attention?*
No, but SD8 WILL and that's why I'd rather not have her there...
That was my response to the
That was my response to the other poster acting like the skids not inviting dad to their wedding is the same as you and dad not inviting the skids to yours. Clearly not the same!
"Eventually they grow up and
"Eventually they grow up and if they dont move on and get over it.. oh well!" - some don't, like my skids who were completely estranged for 5 years. My Dh wasn't invited to his son's wedding, he missed births of grandkids. This seems like the best case scenario for many stepparents but it's been absolutely hell. I wouldn't wish dealing with this on my worst enemy.
I understand your point. But
I understand your point. But like in my own family situation.. my stepmom has caused us to want to keep our distance.. does my dad make the effort or put in his 2cents that he wants us around? No.
So if it was truly important to the dad in this post to have the kids at his wedding, he would say so, and it would not be negotiable.
I would have loved my wedding
I would have loved my wedding to be skid-free, but I don't think I would have ever heard the end of it. There's been so many problems since then and in-laws making remarks about how I haven't tried hard enough to be inclusive and how my skids feel excluded - no matter how much I have tried. At something so public as your wedding, it might be a better idea to try to include them to save yourself further grief later on.
My SS was 8 when we got
My SS was 8 when we got married last fall. His behavior wasn't perfect, but it was pretty good, considering his mom had a movie night marathon all night the night before. Bless her heart. We have photos of DH and SS, DH and me, SS and me, and all three of us. His grandparents took care of him for the day for us, and it was a non-issue. He was in our wedding, too. I would have felt weird about not having hi in it, and we don't have any other kids in our situation. I know DH would have regretted it if we hadn't included him.
Congratualtions! My ss wasn't
Congratualtions!
My ss wasn't at our wedding either, but our bd was. I just am not happy when he is around and I should be happy on my wedding day. We got married during the week, so being a school day made it easier to explain away.
I have to agree 100% with
I have to agree 100% with this. They are going to have a million "reasons" why they hate you. At least this will be one that you are expecting and prepared for!
fdh and i are planning to
fdh and i are planning to take off to vegas without telling anyone and get married there. that way, we get our little ceremony without the drama and bullshit that other people like to bring into things like weddings. sd won't be able to cry and moan about not being my maid of honor (over my bd16 and bff), his sm won't be able to pull any stunts, it will be peaceful. we'll have a reception a few weeks later. i'm sure there will be a ton of drama from sd and fdh's sm about us not telling them and just doing it. they both think we're supposed to clear everything with them before we do a damn thing. and get their permission, or don't do it. whatever. if they want to act like assholes at our reception, they'll be made to leave. but at least the nuptials will be free of their assholism. (not a word, but it works!)
My DH and I did the same
My DH and I did the same thing.... just the two of us went and got married. Neither his kids nor mine were present. Just before the ceremony when someone had to witness the license, we were surprised by DH's parents (they flew to Vegas without our knowledge, specifically to surprise us).
All of our kids knew we were getting married. Well, at least MINE did. Not sure about his... it took them more than six months of me wearing an engagement ring for them to ask, "does that mean you're getting married some day?"
I'm glad we did it the way we did, and I have no regrets. Some may look at it as an official ceremony to "blend a family" but I still look at it as an official ceremony to represent a bond between two people. This was between my DH and I, not the two of us and four kids.
Five years later, if there are any unresolved anger issues about them not being there, I haven't heard it. And my kids are pretty outspoken so they would have said something by now. His kids wouldn't speak to me to tell me the house was on fire, so I'm sure I'll NEVER hear a peep out of them about it.
I'm glad it all worked out
I'm glad it all worked out for you the way it did. We WERE going to have a civil ceremony at City Hall, but his mother (bless her heart) wants us to have a family celebration. And if you think about it, I've been with FDH for SEVEN YEARS - for all the kids know, we're ALREADY married, right? So it shouldn't come as a big shock to them. And their mother has been with the same guy (albeit on and off) for just as long and he LIVES with them. I don't think they'd want to be there anyway, so we're just saving everyone the hassle and planning the wedding without them.
I come at this both ways. I
I come at this both ways. I think it is sad they can't share in Dad's day. But, after having done the family ceremony, I would love to do it over and just have me and DH there and BS16. His kids have attitude in the pics. His daughter is stunning (at least she was) so the photographer took too many pics of her. My BS refused to say his vows and it was embarassing. He also dropped the ring in the sand during the ceremony. BS16 was perfect and even escorted me down the aisle.
Wish I could change it, but I have never even watched the video, because I am so embarassed by SS and SD. I only finally ordered the album two months ago. We are about to celebrate 3 years in June...
Do what you want. No matter what you do, it will be horrible for the kids.