IF I CAN'T START MY OWN FAMILY, I'M NOT PLAYING TRANSPORTATION COMANDO FOR SS
ss8 lives with bm and attends school about 20 miles accross town. dh had ss involved in sports on OUR side of town this past fall. dh would commute from his job (on our side of town) to ss's side of town to pick him up and then back to our side of town for football and then back to bm's to drop off ss. Whew...did yall get all that...I'll say it again
dh-ss (20 mi)
from ss house-football (20 mi)
from football-ss house (20 mi)
from ss house-home (20 mi) 2x per week
Now dh and I have no children because according to him we can't afford them, but he CAN afford an additional 180 miles per week in gas for football practice. Anyway, dh has since changed jobs and works late into the evening and cannot guarantee that he will be able to facilitae practice. BM is clear on her non-ability to assist with travel. DH is ademant about his son playing on this specific team. Last night he turns to me and says "I guess I can't ask for your help, because anytime I bring up ss, you start going into your rant about having a baby". I ignored the last part of the comment and told I could help with a pick-up, but I would not facilitate the WHOLE practice because I can't afford the gas. (I used the word AFFORD because finances are soooo important to him) However, a part of me is like how dare he come at me with this whole hair-brained comando scheme of transportation for ss. Also, who is going to finance this and how!!!!! Just seems selfish to me that he is so financially afraid for us to have our own children, but he comes up with these crazy ways to spend ridiculous amounts of money on ss and then tries to drag me into it. I get tired of arguing over this so I just didn't even bring up any of these concerns to him. Why can't bm just facilitate practice on her side of town or why can't dh find a team closer to the pick-up site? Wouldn't that help us to save up for our own family while still allowing ss to play sports?
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The first problem you have is
The first problem you have is that you both don't seem to have the same goals. As SS grows up expenses will be much more. Financially there is never a right time to have a baby, but once you have the baby everything somehow falls into place. 2nd if DH wants him to be in those specific team he is going to have to do the traveling. If I was BM I wouldn't put up for the transportation because your DH wants him to be in a specific team. I can't believe I just said that but I don't blame BM for not wanting to do the traveling. It seems like he is very absorbed with SS.
Oh I don't disagree with her
Oh I don't disagree with her either. DH wants his son to have tuteledge from specific coaches who, he believes are better coaches. I believe that if ss is going to be good at sports, his talent will shine through whatever coaching or team he is on. I don't think it's neccessary to do all of this traveling for little league anything. DH is totally wrong on this one, but I will continue to look like the bad guy if I say anything. So...I just let him figure things out for himself and come here to vent.
I go through the same things.
I go through the same things. I don't expect DH to do anything for my BS14. If he does I say no that's okay because I know I wouldn't want to feel forced into doing anything for SS11. It works for us so I think we are okay. If I do, do something for SS11 it's because I wanted to not because I felt I had to because DH did something for BS14. But then again BS14 relationship with DH is deeper seeing that they see each other all the time as opposed to me and SS11.
Oh wow...DH is absolutely in
Oh wow...DH is absolutely in the wrong here. You are not a taxi you are his wife and with that you deserve his respect.
Did you discuss starting a family before you got married? If so...what was the agreement? If he is going back on what you talked about, that is a deal breaker.
What ever parent gets the kids involved in the sports in responsible to cart them around. Too bad he works late...the football is important to him...and apparently his son is not. If his son was important to him, he would be available to take him himself.
Sounds like DH is completely self absorbed and now wants someone else to handle his reponsibilities and not having another kid will curb any further duties expected of him.
Thanks guys. You all are
Thanks guys. You all are really helpful. Yes we discussed kids, but we ran into some financial setbacks right before our wedding. I can understand being leary of starting a family right now, but when he suggests stuff like this when gas is almost $4/gallon, I just wonder what he's really thinking. He's not even thinking of ways to SAVE money. I mean he can truly do what he needs for his, but just at a lower cost. By finding a team closer to where SS lives with BM, she can assist with travel (I'm guessing she would if it was convenient for her) or even I can assist with travel b/c it will be easier to make 1 trip accross town instead of 2.
That is so unfair to you!!!
That is so unfair to you!!! Forget the helping him out with transportation. I would help DH if he paid for the gas. As far as the baby issue, he is robbing you from your right of becoming a mother. How would he like it if you said that's it you can no longer father SS, & take away his rights & desires of fathering SS. It is unfair & selfish for any man to rob a women's right & desire of becoming a mother. If your like me you would get pregnant whether he agrees or not. It's not like he's just any man, he's your husband so if I where you I would take it apon my self to get knocked up, he'll be unhappy at first but he'll get over it & will eventually enjoy expanding the family.
Why would you suggest such an
Why would you suggest such an awful thing?
Many SMs are stuck dealing with SKs that resulted from a BM's dirty trick.
I hear you Maneater...but he
I hear you Maneater...but he and even the marriage therapist say "you can't compare having to take care of someone who is already here to a hypothetical family" so while I have made similar arguments to yours, they went straight out of the window. As you can see from my previous post, friends of mine have advised me to do just what you said and get pregnant anyway.
Hey now...I get ALL of your
Hey now...I get ALL of your points. Bringing a child into the world she be agreed upon by both mom and dad. I think Maneater's point is "how can a wife trick her husband". It would be one thing if we weren't married and I got pregnant so that he would marry me, but one of the points of marriage is to have a familiy if you want one. I think I will combine your advice. I will work to better our financial situation and once I feel that it should be ok for HIM, I will let him know I coming of bc. But part of my working for financial security to start a family DOES NOT include blowing money for gas driving ss around unneccessarily.
As long as you are upfront
As long as you are upfront with him about going off BC, then it puts the onus on HIM. You can see how stuck he is in HIS position if he decides to put a raincoat on it or not!