Are we PAS'ing??
Disclaimer: writing on my tablet which is anti correct spelling.
So FDH and i had a nice down to earth chat. Lots of feelings on both ends came out, mainly mine. Nothing was really resolved but there is time for that. I was really pleased that he took the initiative to bring it up and have an honest conversation. Normally he shys away from confrontation. I told him im torn between living a step free life - having nothing to do with my skids personally but the position and its difficulties. I told him i feel like i am at a crossroads to where i am at an age where i need to make some life direction decisions and that i felt i want to make the decision to commit to this lifestyle ie. long work hours, skids, ex, etc not because i just fell into it but as a real decision. I dont want to be able to resent anyone in the coming years for anything because I made the choice myself.FDH didnt have much to say about it. He just was quiet. Idk why. We did talk about me quitting the daycare or severely reducing my hours. This may happen soon. We both agree its really just too much on my plate.
Today was sd9s bday. Earlier this week i called her out on what was in my previous post. She had tattled to mommy that i was requiring them to call me mom. It was half tattling and half misunderstanding. I clarified the situation and explained that her actions hurt both my and her moms feelings by saying something that was untrue. She agreed that wasn't her intention and that she should take the initiative to clear the air. Oh maaaaan did she shit herself when she realized that omg i KNEW!!! Conversations with mommy aren't completely separate from the real world where we can say whatever we want to earn brownie points!?!? She is so torn right now between me and mom. Our home and life is so stable and normal i believe she is drawn to it. She gets my attention and my ears and its something she cant get from either parent. Mom is mom though and desperately plays on her loyalty. I don't want her to not love or like her mom but its really hard to hide my feelings about BM sometimes. Its really difficult to bust your ass to raise a child who isn't yours and then watch her glorify the smallest most basic thing her flaky ass mom does.
The cupcake wars: last year i made super awesome cupcakes. They were frosted blue with little goldfish on them. The bodies and fins were made from circus peanuts with mini jelly bean eyes and cheerio mouths. They were fabulous. Four teachers and the art cart picked them up for the class and took pictures lol. Apparently they were a hit! They took me 2.5 hours and i had to to make 32 of them. It was nuts. This year sd9 wanted me to make horse cupcakes with little ponies on them etc. I decided it was time for bm to do something. I had FDH text her and tell her it was her job to do so. She dumped off cupcakes made from leftover lemon cake mix. Sd9 couldn't understand why her classmates didn't enjoy her moms lemon cupcakes. I explained that its an unusual flavor. Either way she kept bringing it up and seemed embarrassed and bothered that some kids spit them out. Come to find out during cupcake delivery bm had to ask sd9 to give her a hug. Sd9 said herself: " mom asked if she could at least have a birthday hug". She was bothered by the hug as well because her friends made fun of her since it was in front of the whole class. Dingus of course had to escort BM to make sure she was going where she said. Sd9 didn't mention him at all. Fdh and i took her some subway for lunch with all her faves. I brought her a rose with a card. She gave me a big hug in the cafeteria (in front of her class)and fdh one on her way to recess. Both in front if her class. Are we pas'ing her out? I may not like bm but i don't want to damage her by letting my personal feelings dictate her relationship with bm. I don't talk bad about her to any of the skids or in front of them. Fdh and i agree that we have pushed BM so far out of the picture that when she actually does something the kids are ecstatic. We've agreed to try and get BM to take them weds evenings. Overnights are out of the question. She isn't responsible enough. She has turned down weds cuz it isn't an overnight and dingus says its a waste of gas $. Here's the issue. We give her an inch and she steps all over everyone and acts like a fuck. We take away the privileges and she acts nice. Then after a couple months we feel bad and extend her more. She then takes advantage of whatever she is given and some disaster strikes. She returns them home an hour late on a school night or without their backpacks, someone gets injured badly or we find out that the 5 year old has been shooting handguns unsupervised in the front lawn. Someone falls through a floor. The more time they spend with her the more difficult it is to raise them and I wont have it. If they live in my home, they will be raised a certain way. Bm is soooo afraid that if she doesn't let them do whatever they want, they wont like her and wont want to come over and so she wont discipline. Ipso facto the more time they spend there the worse they are here. Sad part is they aren't even HAPPY getting their way and running the show. They come home. I find out that over there sd5 just screams continuously until she gets her way. SS3 hits bm when he doesn't get what he wants. He tells me gleefully that "I am mean to mom". I cannot even believe this. Sd5 is so quiet, well mannered and sweet i cant even picture this behavior. SS3 is such a happy go lucky easy going guy! I cant let that shit into my home just to give her more time with them. Sigh, fdh and i feel torn about whats right. Whats right for skids, bm, me, us.Its not fair to me to raise them alone. Not fair to me to raise heathens if she takes them a lot more. We cant force her to take weds but it would be a perfect break for everyone. Sigh. What to do....
Side note. Sd9 asked me alone to come have lunch for her bday at school. Lol dad didnt even get invited!! We went together but i thought it was cute and secretly took my moment where i could get it. She loved the gifts i bought particularly even though daddy got some. It was pretty sad too cuz fdh asked if she had her cupcakes for school. She says back " yeah! Mom actually brought them!!!" Thats part of what started that conversation.
I really hope we arent inadvertantly pas'ing. We both want whats best for them. We dont discourage a relationship with her but i'll be honest we dont really encourage it either. We make sure they call on holidays, thats about it. Anything else is on her to call sd9. We dont stand in the way though unless its during dinner or homework, and when shes done she can call back. Sd9 puts sd5 and ss3 on the phone too. They talk to her usually once or twice in a two week period. What do you guys think? Are we pas'ing????
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Children perceive one parent
Children perceive one parent as causing financial problems of the other parent - she does cause financial issues, which is why the children are on state assistance. We bring it to the attention of the child only when it is an issue we literally can't pay for - Ie. See if your mom can buy you snow pants, I can't afford to right now. They will be dropped from state medical now that FDH got a promotion but he cant enroll in insurance until Nov thru work. It is court ordered BMs responsibility to provide coverage. Not sure how we will do it and can't explain to them "if you need dental or medical care too fucking bad cuz mommy is a failure and wont get a job".
Children appear to have knowledge of details relating to the legal aspects of the divorce or separation - only from her. Anything else they know is in reference. Ie. "The judge was the one who set the visitation and chose where everyone would live based off of what he thought was best for you guys" in return to questions of precious being treated unfairly
Children show sudden negative change in their attitude toward a parent/guardian - Sd9 and sd15 do. Not sudden i guess. but increasingly. sd15 often refuses to go for visitation citing BMs choices for the reasoning. She presented a well pointed thought out argument for why she shouldnt have to go.
Children appear uneasy around target parent - they resort to "one word" answers and fail to engage openly in conversations as they previously have done - wouldn't know, I am not at BMs
Children are uncharacteristically rude and/or belligerent to target parent - SUPER YES! OMG these kids are total ASSHOLES at their moms house. This has NOTHING to do with what we encourage. I tell them they need to be on their best behavior and to treat their mom nicely before they leave. Where it comes from baffles me.
Access time is not occurring as agreed upon or court ordered - visitation is being unilaterally cut back by the other parent - This happened once when FDH gave her a warning about talking bad about him/us in front of the kids. 4 minutes later she sat in OUR driveway screaming at him that hes a shitty ass dad and fuck him and he can go fuck himself and she doesn't have to do shit on and on. He withheld her visitation for 30 days. We have no court ordered visitation schedule. It is worded as "at FDH's discretion" This was the judge's feeling on it. When their settlement was completed the judge had actually restriced BMs visitation to none for indefinitely. FDH has tried to give her more visitation but it is "a waste of gas $ for only 4 or 5 hours"
Hostile Aggressive Parent (HAP) parent undermines the other parent or speaks disparagingly about other parent in the presence of the children - FDH is guilty of making the occasional sarcastic remark about her in front of the kids. I correct this and it doesn't happen often. He doesn't undermine her though. He has skids check with her first if they wanted to do something else during the weekend of visitation.
HAP parent starts making reference to other parent as being abusive and a risk to the children with no apparent good reason - she is but no one comments on it, except for sd15 who comments on it herself
Allowing children to choose whether or not to visit a parent, even though the court has not empowered the parent or children to make that choice; - only sd15 gets that choice. In our state children 14 and older are allowed to choose to visit or not. The minor children must go whether they want to or not
Telling the children about why the marriage failed and giving them the details about the divorce or separation settlement; - There were no details about the divorce other than relevant ones such as "You'll be living with us permanently" etc. SD15 had been told some pretty ugly lies about why the marriage failed and was acting out because of it. FDH corrected the untruths but didn't set out to let everyone know. Other skids know nothing about it.
Refusing the other parent access to medical and school records or schedules of extracurricular activities; - They are not refused, but we don't provide them. She can go online just as easily as I can and get the information. She tried using that in court. Judge told her it isn't our job to let her know when every single event happens. Medical records have never been needed by her, and she's never asked. She could always call their clinic and get a copy.
Blaming the other parent for not having enough money, changes in lifestyle, or other problems in the children's presence; - This FDH does with sd15 when she complains about not being able to do certain things she used to. He says the "If your mom would pay her child support I'd have enough to buy you new clothes but right now i dont, feel free to ask your mom etc" This is not the default for everything though. Just for honest situations where that would be the case. Sometimes its "No you don't need a new phone. Your old one is fine."
Rigid enforcement of the visitation schedule for no good reason other than getting back at the other parent; - Naa we're very flexible with everything but school. We let her have them whenever she asks as long as she gives enough notice (1-2 days which she knows) and it isn't something ridiculous like "can i take them for 3 hours sunday then pick them up tuesday for overnight weds cuz i have a birthday party on monday" Pretty much any extra days they are off of school she can have them
False allegations of sexual abuse, drug and alcohol use or other illegal activities by the other parent; - Naa. Just told her to treat her house for lice when sd5 kept bringing it back for 3 months. Thats about it
Asks the children to choose one parent over the other; - never has happened. She asks them if they are happy or like it at Dads house.
Reminding the children that the children have good reason to feel angry toward their other parent; - Nope. I usually remind them that their mom is human too and makes mistakes. I will sympathize with their feelings however if they are angry or disappointed "I bet that upset you, sorry to hear it"
Setting up temptations that interfere with visitation; This happens occasionally but not intentionally. Sometimes I will have things set up for me to do on the weekends they aren't here and I wont think and will be talking about it excitedly. They will get upset and want to stay or want to join in. I tell them that maybe we'll do it another time and that they will definitely have fun at BM's Im sure
Giving the children the impression that having a good time on a visit will hurt the parent; Nope, we tell them have a good time cuz we are going to spend time together and have a nice time!
Asking the children about the other parent's personal life; I don't have any interest about knowing about her life other than what pertains to how the children got all fucked up by the time they got home. Anything illegal or unsafe is my business. The rest is often supplied but never ever asked for. It comes with the question "How was your weekend? Did you have a good time at Moms?"
'Rescuing' the children from the other parent when there is no danger. - Naa. They'll live (hopefully