O/T: How to burn the bridge between me and this woman?

This is not step-related so I apologize, but I need some un-biased/uninvolved advice. When I first moved here, I of course met my husband’s best friend (really more like a brother-type) and his girlfriend – I’ll call them B and H. H is kind of a brash, loud, energetic girl who likes to tell dirty jokes. She and I didn’t necessarily hit it off at first, but I was desperate for a friend since I had come to live in a new place with DH, and it was easy for the four of us to hang out and do things together, especially because her daughter and SS are the same ages.

When H heard of an opening in her department at work, she told me about it, I applied, she recommended me to the manager, and I got hired. I would certainly not say it was BECAUSE of her that I got hired, but of course it helped me get my foot in the door atleast in some way.

Throughout the next year or so, she and I were friendly. We’d go to lunch together here and there. I can honestly count on one hand the amount of times we’ve hung out together by ourselves, without our significant others. However, she calls me her “BFF”. Now, I’m the type that I definitely have BEST friends, and it does make me sad that she thinks that I’m that to her…it makes me realize she’s never truly had a best friend.

As I said before, she’s super brash. She has no filter. She does not censor herself around ANYONE – not B’s conservative mother, not coworkers, NO ONE. She’s also incredibly insecure and finds some way to put you down to make herself look better.

When we were planning our wedding parties, it was one of those things where DH wanted 6 people…so I had to add one more. B was his best man, so it felt right to have H be my 6th bridesmaid. About a month after asking her to be my bridesmaid, I wanted to boot her out of my wedding.

But in order to save the relationship between B and my husband, I kept her. I figured that as long as she and B were together, she’d be in my life, because B and my husband are like brothers. I regret it so much. She embarrassed us SO badly at my wedding – she made incredibly derogatory or truly insensitive remarks to my other bridesmaids (my true BEST friends) and even put ME down in some way and my stepkids. I found all of this out a few weeks after the wedding, and I could barely look at her or speak to her for a few months.

Since the wedding (September) we’ve avoided both of them. I did end up going to lunch with her once, and it seemed I was over my anger at her and that I could handle her again in small doses.

However, she got fired a few weeks ago. A lot of BAD stuff went down at work related to her. And now I’m connected to that because she had to make it sound like to everyone that we’re BEST FRIENDS – BFFS! (I don't even use that terminology so it sounds ridiculous to me)

I’ve had some coworkers ask me how I feel and actually tell ME that they’re sorry that happened to by “BFF”. UGH it’s sooo frustrating! I don’t want to be connected to her at all, and especially not professionally. I know part of that is my fault because she was one of my bridesmaids.

What do I do??? My husband suggested I talk to B about my feelings and how hurtful she has been over the last year and that I don’t consider that a friend and that I can’t see myself “pretending” to be her friend anymore, and that I’ve only done that to save his relationship with my husband. I know doing this I will risk him telling her. And possible a huge falling out. I hate drama and that’s a lot of the reason why I have avoided this – thinking she would eventually “get it”. But it’s been 4 months now since I’ve hardly had any contact with her and she just thinks I’ve been busy…she DOES not get it. But if I came out and told her EVERYTHING -- she's unpredictable.

If she were some random person this would be easier but because of the connection, how can I burn this bridge without ruining my husband’s relationship with his best friend?

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I feel like putting B into

I feel like putting B into the middle of it isn't the right move. This is between you and H. If you confide in B how much you don't want to be friends with H, he will of course tell H since they are romantically involved. That's not fair to anyone and will probably create unnecessary drama.

I also think DH's relationship with B should not be a factor in your decision. Your husband can always do stuff with just B, that is not a big deal.

You can take the indirect or the more direct approach with H, depending on how clueless she is. If you continue to not seek out H, and she continues to contact you, just give her vague excuses that you're busy. If she can't take the hint and you need to go direct, then just say "I think we've grown apart and I'd rather not continue the friendship". If she still keeps calling, ask her not to contact you anymore. It's tough to be that direct but people who can't get a clue after someone distances themselves sometimes need to hear the unvarnished truth.

Also if people at work refer to her as your "BFF" you could just say you've grown apart and aren't really in touch with her anymore. If they ask for details (which would be nosy) just say you'd rather not talk about it and change the subject. That will put some distance between you and her as far as your professional life goes. She sounds like a bag of crazy, so probably not helpful to your professional reputation!

Your husband has given you

Your husband has given you the okay to talk to her, he would know the risks involved in that, and he obvioulsy supports you in doing it anyway, so talk to her. You don't have to come right out and say "I don't consier you a best friend" that would be too hurtful to a girl who just doesn't get it, no need to be totally cruel. So, how about just inviting her out to lunch, and telling her exactly why you havent wanted to be around her, tell her how much you appreciated her helping hand when you first moved there, but tell her even then you were often embarrassed by her "openess" for want of a better word, and that as time went on you as much as you tried you just could never become comfortable with it. Then tell her what you know about the things she said at the wedding etc., and how hurt and embarrassed you were by that, and you could then drop in the BFF hint by saying at that point, true best friends support each other no matter what, a true best friend would never be that disloyal, and you have shown me loud and clear, you are not a true best friend that I could trust to have my back no matter what.

Now I don't know how gently that would all go down, but you get my drift, at least this way you are not insulting her by saying YOU don't consider her a BFF, you are letting her see that SHE has shown she is not one to you. Basically you are putting the blame for all this where it belongs, back on her.

If your husband is supportive and is willing to put his relationship with his friend on the line, you have no prolems at all, other than the embarassment of having to do this. But, could it be any worse than how you are feeling now. As for work, have a talk to your superiors, explain how the friendship came about and how you tried for your husbands sake to maintain it, but that you had no part in whatever it was that caused her to be dismissedd, and you did not and do not support her actions. Tell them too how uncomfortable you are feeling over it, and distance yourself mentally at work as well.

Doesn't seem you have much to lose here as your husband suggested you talk to her, and you at least have peace of mind to gain. Good Luck.

^^^^^^^ I totally agree! I

^^^^^^^ I totally agree!

I have an acquaintance who is very much the same way: loud, brash, terribly opinionated (and not in a constructive Good way). I tend to take looooong breaks from her. However, I have the memory of a tsetse fly, when it comes to her, and we get together again. All the while, I sit there and wonder why in heck I am subjecting myself to her.

She sounds so much like a

She sounds so much like a girl I know! No filter, that's exactly how a described it. This is a girl that was simply an acquaintance in high school. Never a friend. A girl that would bum cigarettes from us in the bathroom, but not someone that we hung out with. I ran into her a few years later and it was like she thought we were long lost best friends, hollering across the restaurant and knocking things over to get to me. Ran into her a few years after that in college, and even ended up with some of the same classes. Everyone thought we were besties, given her behavior. To be honest, it was kind of embarrassing.

A few years later ran into her again! She was dating a guy that had just started playing bass in my friends' band. It was like I couldn't shake this chick! At one of the practices, someone had asked how long we'd been friends, commenting that we made an odd pair (we are totally different personalities/styles). I'd had a few drinks and she'd been particularly irritating to me that day, so I spouted off, "Friends?? She's not my friend. She's more like the gum on my shoe that I've been trying to scrape off since high school!" I immediately regretted saying it and turned to her to apologize, but she was busting up laughing, spitting her drink in the process. She thought it was hilarious and said it was entirely true.

After that, we were actually friends. I could talk to her, and let her know when I'd had too much of her. She understood that she was brash and lacking a filter. It was perfectly OK for me to tell her to buzz off when she was getting on my nerves. She understood that I could only handle small doses of her. We were friends for a couple of years after that, and she always got a kick out of telling people that she was the gum on my shoe

So maybe you should go ahead and talk to your "friend." Let her know how you feel. Chances are, she already knows and understands, but is still willing to accept whatever small amount your willing to offer her.

So I just read this -- thank

So I just read this -- thank you so much for sharing your story. It gives me a different perspective...maybe it doesn't have to be a secret that I'm annoyed by her, and maybe that will be fine. The two do sound EXACTLY the same so I can actually see this happening. Hmmm.

A few years later ran into

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