Let's see how long this lasts
DH and I had a long talk about how I feel like I am second class family during skid weekends and how we can correct it. DH is firm on not wanting me to disengage. He said it feels like I am abandoning him and that I am not trying. In response, I let him know that if he does not want me to disengage, things have to change.
During our discussion I realized some common occurrences during skid weekends that drive me away. Namely, I HATE that our weekends are completely disrupted and the chaos that ensues. I HATE that these weekends revolve solely around what they want to do, what they want to eat, where they want to go, what they want to watch, etc. I understand he only gets them EOWe and that it's not much time, but under no circumstance should a child feel like a red carpet is rolled out for their visits. At least not if I am going to be forced to "engage." Lastly, I HATE having to compete for my husband when they are there. I can't even have a conversation with him without them constantly being at his side, sitting on his lap, yelling "daddydaddydaddy!" every 5 seconds. Hell, he can't even go to the bathroom without them freaking out!
So we made a plan:
1) Being pregnant I am weird about food. I am constantly hungry, yet oddly picky. I cannot eat pizza for every meal but get very cranky when I don't eat. Therefore, we will do all of our weekend grocery shopping and meal planning on Thursdays before they come over on Fridays.
2) We will plan out our weekend on Thursday as well. This includes any activities that we plan on doing with the kids, as well as any errands that we may have to run. This way our weekends together are not just spent catching up on things we need to do because all we did was jack around the weekend before.
3) When the kids are with us, they will take showers before going to bed each night. When we plan activities, I am the only one apparently who knows how to read a clock and has any concept of time and I end up stressing out trying to get everyone out the door because no one wants to shower first.
4) Sunday morning is clean up time. Skids complain that I make them do chores when they are having fun. Well, that's all the time. So fro now on they must pick up their room and bathroom Sundays after breakfast. It's amazing how dirty their rooms get after only 2 nights with us.
Anyone have any rules in their house that they think we should add?
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Comments
I'd be happy with ANY rules!
I'd be happy with ANY rules! My skids just say No, No, NO... and if either of us yells after asking 5 times for them to do something, then they scream, cry, run to their rooms and say they hate it at our house. They also just scream and yell when we say we have errands to run... even just to get car for the car.
So... i'd be thrilled to get the rules you listed implemented in our house even just so I wouldn't feel trapped by their whims and whines.
Yes! That is how it is now
Yes! That is how it is now and he wonders why I am so stressed and tense when they are with us! I know he really does not want me to just run away on their weekends with us so I hope he really helps me enforce these rules. He had input and agreed to them so I am eager to see if he actually follows through with them. The first 2 are easy because those rely solely on DH and I. The rest require cooperation from the steps which may be harder.
All I know is I cannot continue our weekends like this. Example: I had planned on taking down the Christmas decorations this weekend but the steps wanted to paint their room (in our rented house mind you) so of course that took precedence over my plans. I would have done it myself but the storage boxes are heavy and in the attic and apparently I am not allowed to carry anything heavy.
I dont really have any rules
I dont really have any rules to add, but just wanted to say that i have always felt the weekends the skids stay, should be treated as if it was any other weekend. I would try to get dh to see that, but it never worked.
I would tell him to treat ss and the weekends as "normal" and that by doing so, would help cut down on alot of issues.
Nah, deaf ears. Whatever!
Good luck for you
I would just let dh know that
I would just let dh know that there is soooo much more to parenting than catering to a kids whim (actually thats no part of parenting), but the simple running of errands and taking care of household duties is a learning experience-it teaches them about being part of a family, things they will need to know to manage a household someday. Doing chores also shows that they a part of a team, that you all work together to take care of your environment and each other. Since he has such a limited amount of time with them doesnt he want to teach them as much as possible about life? Not just how to have a good timea nd be spoiled rotten?
I've tried that tactic. I get
I've tried that tactic. I get the common canned response of "Well I only have them EOWe so whatever I try and teach them won't stick because they aren't here enough."
I think the root of the problem is that before he and I were engaged, his entire weekends with them were literally spent at Dave & Busters or some other equivalent. He lived by himself and had nothing better to do and nothing better to spend his money on than catering to them nonstop. He acknowledges that was a mistake and that I bring stability to his and their lives but now we are dealing with the repercussions of children who were never told no on daddy weekends.
My husband spoiled SD that
My husband spoiled SD that way too. He had full custody, it was just the two of them with endless amounts of money at the time so they did everything she wanted to do and was never ever told no. Now I am dealing with a spoiled, entitled, selfish brat who thinks the world should revolve around her. I hate living with her.
I haven't figured out a rule
I haven't figured out a rule to stop the constant interruptions when we are talking. DH claims he just tunes them out so it doesn't bother him. My thought is that it doesn't matter if he is bothered or not, they are being disrespectful! Maybe we could implement a weekend bedtime, that way I know that after a certain time I have my husband to myself for a couple of hours and won't get annoyed when they climb all over him during the day time. They usually get sleepy around 11 but since they have no bedtime they could be up watching movies and whatnot all night long if they wanted.
As far as the bedroom thing, we usually lock ours when we are sleeping. We used to have an issue with SD5 literally pounding on our door nonstop at 6am until DH got up to entertain her. Finally one morning after she banged so hard I thought she must be throwing her body against the door I opened the door and gave her a stern talking-to that she is not to wake up the adults. Hasn't happened since. Apparently DH thought that eventually she would just get the hint if he ignored her. Why can't he see that ignoring their bad behavior doesn't do a damn thing!
I think you plan is a very
I think you plan is a very good start - POST the HOUSE RULES in the kitchen on the frig! If their young children, add some 'happy pictures' to make it fun
DH should not cater to the kids whims, (like the painting couldn't wait???) I find DH's over compensate to their children - they don't want to be the bad guy. Review the schedule before they arrive, have some flexibility, but with a new baby, you need to plan some time for DH to be out of the house with skids so you and the baby can have some bonding (quiet) time.
And yes, Step-Mother's are the only people who can read a clock! I don't know why, but it is true. One Christmas I tried buying all the Skids watches - FAILURE... Maybe they can't tell time...along with DH, who still can't. Set an alarm!! Maybe the noise will wake them up for shower time?!?!