The on-going saga.... 20 years on!
I am a BF with all my mistakes and I have made plenty of those over the years. Probably the biggest of all was not listening to the wise words of my wife (AKA SM) whose female perception worked at full speed from the very beginning of our relationship back in the early 90's. Nonetheless, what I have discovered the last couple of years or so, is the fact that I am not alone in my mistakes. It would seem that there are thousands of divorced BF's who have made exactly the same mistake(s) like me. I guess not recognizing them is the worst part.
I was fortunate enough to read the book "Stepmonster" which was a total revelation. Reading the book, I saw myself on each page... whether dealing with "guilt parenting" or "Disney parenting".... and not heeding the warnings from my wife. The book firstly was reassuring to a certain point, highlighting that there must be 1,000's of divorced fathers like myself not only making basic Single parenting mistakes but also being set-up by my ex-wife (AKA as the BM, although I must admit I have some more interesting acronyms which come to mind!).
The crazy thing about my situation is that I met my wife 3 years after I divorced my first wife. She was never part of the divorce. What however was very clear was that my wife today would be my life partner and it was genuine "love at first sight" (yep with all the sparks flying!). The interesting fact about the intermediate period between my divorce and meeting my wife was the fact that the divorce had gone through amicably but there also remained a "closeness" between my ex and myself regarding the children. I had a very casual relationship with another girlfriend which never materialized into something serious. With my new girlfriend (and wife to be) it was totally different and it here where the first problems started emerging. The ex was very keen to establish a "friendship" with my new girlfriend (wife to be) being the control freak she was. This offer was declined and the "closeness" which had continued after the divorce was now under threat by the "New Order" (as I would like to call it). Encroachment on our "space" by BM became pretty much a recurring theme.
The next escalation involved my two children from the first marriage being brainwashed by their BM. When I was confronted about certain adult family issues, I refrained from discussing them with my young teenage children, letting them know they were too young and that I would let them know everything once they became 18 (which I did). So, with both children being brainwashed and brought into the conflict situation which developed between my ex and myself, it was a pretty much one-sided battle considering I was not prepared to divulge any information which would have helped me in my defense.
I recollect chatting with my wife (girlfriend at the time) about "the mother of children not doing anything to harm me, their father".... Ha!, I wish I had listened as wife's perception of the situation back then was spot on. Mine was not! I certainly learned the hard way.
To give you some additional background info regarding my ex...... we divorced in 1988 sharing custody on a 2 week, 2 week basis. This changed after a couple of years when daughter requested (mostly for practical reasons) to change the arrangement to week-end visitations, which I accepted. My ex went through a number of boyfriends before marrying a second time with one more child. My relationship with my girlfriend survived the stormy early years. We eventually married late 1990's and are the proud parents of three young kids. A strong family sanctuary was established and has remained very much in place since Day 1. This was certainly not the case with the first two kids who basically experienced the disintegration of the family structure with BM and myself.
This has led over the years to passive aggressiveness, undercurrents of vindictiveness, politically correct comments/behaviour and the constant need for "father's attention" at the cost of the new family structure. I also recognize that I could have dealt with the situation better on a number of occasions to stop these developments in their tracks during the course of time.... but I did not. I kept sitting on the fence and not protecting and siding with my wife. I have no excuse for this "non-action" on my part. I genuinely feel bad about it, considering the undue pressures they brought with them in our relationship. Thankfully, we have a very strong relationship and bond and have always been very open in our discussions sharing what we both feel, especially the last 18 months or so. I feel stronger (also after individual counseling) and am able to pick up the "red flag" situations much better than before.
The result is that following a written confrontation between wife and eldest son, I chose (without hesitation) for wife. This has led to a cooling off of my relationship with my son, which I have only seen once in the last 16 months. I have sat down with both of my eldest kids on numerous occasions discussing these various issues but all I have had are "untruths" and denial that there is something actually wrong. After attempting to deal with this denial time and time again, I have decided to move on. I have a beautiful wife and partner and three great kids. I do not ignore my two eldest (adult) children but have chosen to distance myself from sitting on the fence to clearly siding with partner (SM). Whether this situation will ever improve remains the question. Wife has called it a day not wanting any contact with my two eldest, which I respect. As for my sitting on the fence, I have now taken a position which has made me (and hopefully wife) feel better. However, I also have to acknowledge that my inaction over the years did not help the situation. I could have done something about it but choose not to, which in the bigger scheme of things would have gone a long way in addressing the ills of this toxic relationship with my two eldest kids.
My eldest daughter is also getting married next year, the marriage I will be attending alone, again respecting the wishes of my spouse. I thought we would be stronger together but at the the same time I have also had to accept the fact that my wife will not feel comfortable at all in this environment including the ex, family and friends, which I fully understand.
2012 marks the 20th year I have known my wife and soulmate. We have been through a lot with the two kids the last 20 years (plenty for later folks!) but all I can say.... I have certainly made plenty of mistakes over the years but never with intent to harm. However, I have also come to learn that inaction as a BF can also be very wrong with grave consequences years down the road. I would have never thought that 20 years on I would still be dealing with this situation today and having to recognize that my ex has been hard at work brainwashing the two eldest all these years!
All I hope is that my wife will forgive me for all my mistakes in the past. At least, I have come to understand the situation and have grown stronger in my position having made it very clear where my allegiance lies. To my wife.... I am truly sorry I never listened all those years ago! I know it is a small consolation but "Better later than never!"
- Betterlaterthannever's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
You are quite self critical,
You are quite self critical, but from what I can tell, you have done something which is not that common, judging by a lot of Step Talk SMs, ie support your wife. I am lucky in that my DH supports me in my relationship with his daughters, which is often difficult, but many DHs don't.
You say you should have acted in the past when you didn't - but hindsight is a wonderful thing - we can be wise after the event. I am sure your wife appreciates that you stuck up for her recently in the issue with your adult son. I do believe that the couple has to give their first allegiance to each other rather than the offspring of either of them, for there to be a strong family unit. This is even more important when the SKIDS are adults.
I too got a lot of the book "Stepmonster" - principally I was able to let go of my guilt that I was not able to form a good relationship with my SDs (now teenagers), not because I was useless, but because their BM did not give her implicit "permission" to like me.
Well done for gaining insight and for supporting your wife.
Thanks for your feedback.
Thanks for your feedback. It's much appreciated. I agree that hindsight is a wonderful thing... but then again when I think of what "could have been" vs. what we currently have... I guess it is like the song "I could have, should have....."
What a great post! And
What a great post! And welcome, I'm guessing you're new to this site?
Yes, I was introduced to it
Yes, I was introduced to it by my spouse and have been following numerous comments over the last couple of years.... great insight and it also shows me that there are so many like us trying to deal with BM, SM, SD, SS issues on a daily basis! and to think we have to also worry about the general things in life as well!!!
Hi! Regarding the way my
Hi! Regarding the way my grown children treat their younger siblings?.... zero input or contact. The "funniest" situation was years ago when both of them sent "presents" by post to the younger siblings. We were reminded on a daily basis that this "generous" gesture had taken place. Both spouse and myself awaited the arrival of the package with abated breath.... when the package eventually arrived, it contained cheap plastic (Made in China) junk gimmicky toys you would by at a petrol station. Absolute junk, the postage probably cost more!
So, no e-cards, birthday wishes, calls or e-mails... just politically correct queries whenever I meet them or have them on the phone, which is not often!
My position is that if I can't have a genuine quality relationship, I prefer to scale the "relationship" down to the bare minimum, nothing more. I know where my allegiance lies. I wish at times they could look themselves in the mirror and recognise themselves for what they really are. I guess that's the downside of being in denial!
I loved the last line written
I loved the last line written by JFK! I guess it says it all... If it's war they want, its war they get!
Regarding your questions....
If you don't mind me asking, how do you feel about your adult children now?
DISAPPOINTED, IRRITATED, FED-UP......
Do you still view them as victims? Or do you think they are old enough to be accountable for their behavior toward you and your current family?
NO, I FEEL THEY ARE COMING ACROSS AS NEEDY, SPOILT, DEMANDING (EVEN AT THEIR ADVANCED AGE) I ACTUALLY HAVE THEM TRYING TO GET ME TO SPEND WEEKENDS WITH THEM AWAY FROM MY FAMILY FULLY REALISING THAT I TRAVEL A LOT AND AM GENERALLY FOUR MONTHS AWAY ANNUALLY.
Do your grown children actually feel like your own children? I'm curious.
YES, THAT WILL NEVER GO AWAY. I GUESS ONCE A FATHER ALWAYS A FATHER BUT WITH STRONG BOUNDARIES REGARDING ACCEPTABILITY. I AM NOT PREPARED TO SACRIFICE OR COMPROMISE THE RELATIONSHIP AND FAMILY I HAVE. I AM CAPABLE OF ACTUALLY LOOKING IN THE MIRROR AND SAYING "I SCREWED UP".
Many of us have seen adult stepchildren act like their fathers are about as important in their lives as resented benefactors only. How much do you feel like the "blood" you share is able to mask all the spite that goes on, particularly toward your wife?
THERE IS AN ELEMENT OF THAT AS WELL. I HELPED OUT MY SON FINANCIALLY TO GO ON AN INTERNATIONAL FIELD TRIP. THE TRIP WAS REFUNDABLE BY GOVERNMENT.... SEVEN YEARS ON, I HAVE YET TO SEE THE MONEY.... ANOTHER TIME HE REQUESTED A "TEMPORARY LOAN" TO COVER HIS RENT GUARANTEE. HE HAS NOW MOVED INTO A NEW APARTMENT AND I HAVE YET TO SEE MY MONEY RETURNED TO ME. I THEY BOTH DON'T HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT IT COSTS TO SEND THREE YOUNG KIDS TO PRIVATE SCHOOLS AND SUPPORT MY FAMILY WITH ONE INCOME. I HAVE VISITED MY HOME TOWN REGULARLY AND OVER THE YEARS HAD NUMEROUS DINNERS WITH MY DAUGHTER WITH OR WITHOUT HER FIANCEE. THEY HAVE YET TO PAY ONE MEAL OVER THE SIX YEARS! PLEASE DO NOT MISUNDERSTAND ME, I (AND WIFE) HAVE BEEN GENEROUS WHEN IT CAME TO BOTH OF THEM VISITING OUR HOME (THAT IS NOW VERY MUCH IN THE PAST) TRAVELLING TO VARIOUS HOLIDAY RESORTS AND PAYING FOR NUMEROUS INTERNATIONAL FLIGHTS OVER THE YEARS.... YET.... I HAVE ALWAYS SENSED MONEY HAS BEEN AN ISSUE.... THE ENVY AND NEED FOR FINANCIAL "PAYBACK" HAS ALWAYS BEEN VERY PREVALENT.
Are you really able to let go of the hope that they'll some day have some sort of epiphany that you really do matter, and be able to get along with you and your wife?
NO, I BELIEVE BASED ON THE CURRENT IMPASSE WITH BOTH OF THEM IT IS DOOMED TO FAIL. I ALSO HAVE TO RESPECT THE WISHES OF SPOUSE WHO BASICALLY HAS HAD ENOUGH OF THE SITUATION. I ACTUALLY FLEW RECENTLY TO MY SON'S TOWN TO SIT DOWN WITH MY SON AND DISCUSS THE CURRENT SITUATION. WHILST HE ACKNOWLEDGED HE HAD "MADE MISTAKES" REGARDING THE MONEY ISSUES, HE FELT HE WAS NOT THE "WRONGDOER" IN THE CURRENT SITUATION. I GUESS IT WOULD BE GREAT IN AN IDEAL WORLD TO HAVE MY CHILDREN AND MY FAMILY INCLUDING SPOUSE LIVING IN HARMONY... THEY ARE BOTH IN FULL DENIAL REGARDING THEIR "WRONGDOING" AND ARE NOT PREPARED TO SPEAK THE TRUTH BUT RATHER HIDE BEHIND VAGUE ASSURANCES THAT EVERYTHING IS GREAT AND THAT (DAUGHTER) REALLY GETS ON MY MY SPOUSE. SON HAS MADE IT VERY CLEAR THAT HE FEELS HE IS NOT TO BLAME FOR THE SITUATION (AS IT WAS MY WIFE WHO WROTE TO HIM QUESTIONING HIS BEHAVIOR AND HIS REASONING BEHIND IT) AND THE FACT THAT HE DISLIKES MY SPOUSE WHICH HAS NOT HELPED HIS CAUSE AT ALL.
How do you feel about their behavior?
NOT HAPPY AT ALL. THROUGH THEIR DENIAL THEY ARE ACTUALLY KILLING OFF ANY CHANCES OF ANY SORT OF RECONCILIATION, NOT TO SAY IT WOULD REQUIRE A BUY-IN FROM ALL CONCERNED WHICH AT THIS TIME AND MOMENT IS A NON-STARTER. REALISTICALLY THE ALIENATION PROCESS WILL CONTINUE WITH THE DISTANCE CURRENTLY IN PLACE GROWING ON A DAILY BASIS. IT IS A SHAME BUT AT THE SAME TIME THEY NEED TO ACCEPT THAT IS THEIR DOING NOT OURS. WE AT NO TIME HAVE EVER MADE ANY MOVES TO CREATE TENSION OR CAUSE CONFLICT. REGRETFULLY IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN COMING FROM THE "OTHER SIDE" CONSTANTLY BEING FUELLED BY BM.
Did you feel as though you were "choosing the children" along the way, when you weren't giving them consequences?
I GUESS I WOULD HAVE TO REFER TO THE BOOK "STEPMONSTER" WHERE REFERENCE IS MADE TO DISNEY AND GUILT PARENTING. THE USUAL, NOT WANTING TO HURT FEELINGS, FEELING SORRY FOR THEM COMING FROM A BROKEN HOME, GIVING THEM WHAT THEY WANT... I RECOGNIZE THAT WAS NOT A GOOD MOVE BUT THEN AGAIN HAS ANYONE EVER GUIDED DIVORCED PARENTS IN HOW TO DIVORCE? MAYBE WE SHOULD WRITE ABOOK ABOUT IT! ALL GOOD AND WELL TO GET MARRIED, LOTS OF ADVICE THERE BUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN PARENTS SPLIT?
Do you see now that not parenting them was really never in their best interests?
ABSOLUTELY! THAT IS MY MAJOR NEGATIVE CONTRIBUTION TO THE SITUATION. I MUST TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY LACK OF ACTION. HOWEVER THAT'S WHERE IT ENDS. THE REST IS TO BE FOUND ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THEIR FAMILY.
Do you have plans to do anything to make the situation better? Or are you going to just be okay with how it is right now?
MAKING THE SITUATION BETTER IS A TWO-WAY STREET. IT REQUIRES BOTH PARTIES (THE KIDS AND MYSELF) TO BE TRUTHFUL AND OPEN. ANYTHING ELSE IS DOOMED TO FAIL, WHICH REGRETFULLY IS THE CASE AT THIS TIME AND MOMENT. DENIAL IS A BRICK WALL ONE CANNOT KNOCK DOWN SINGLE-HANDEDLY, IT REQUIRES BOTH PARTIES TO FIND A SOLUTION. I HAVE SAT DOWN WITH BOTH OF THEM AND EXPLAINED WHY I DISLIKE THEIR MOTHER AND NO LONGER WISH TO HAVE ANY CONTACT WITH HER SINCE THE EARLY DAYS BACK IN THE 90'S. IF THEY CANNOT ACCEPT THAT THEY ARE ALSO RESPONSIBLE (AS IS BM) WE COULD TRY AND CREATE A COMMON GROUND FOR AN OPEN DEBATE. REGRETFULLY THAT WILL NOT HAPPEN.
Are you helping to pay for your daughter's wedding?
NO! I WAS ASKED TO ATTEND TO GIVE HER AWAY, WHICH I SHALL DO
Do you feel embarrassed that your SD's behavior toward your wife has been so vindictive, that you'll be attending on your own?
YES, ALSO DISAPPOINTED BUT I FULLY RESPECT MY SPOUSE'S WISHES NOT TO ATTEND. AS THEY SAY, LIFE GOES ON. I DON'T HAVE AN ISSUE GOING ON MY OWN AS ITS EITHER THAT OR NOTHING.
Do you know some fathers don't pay a dime for their daughter's weddings in situations like this?
MY DAUGHTER HAD A CHOICE TO GET MARRIED IN HER HOMETOWN, INSTEAD A LAVISH WEDDING IS TAKING PLACE IN ANOTHER COUNTRY. AS SHE AND HER HUSBAND TO BE ARE GOOD EARNERS IT SHOULD NOT BE A PROBLEM FOR THEM!
Did your daughter say that your wife is not invited, or is this just a decision that your wife made? I ASKED DAUGHTER ABOUT WHERE WE (SPOUSE AND I) WOULD BE SITTING, NEVER GOT A REPLY. I ASKED ABOUT THE INVITATION, I WAS TOLD IT WOULD ONLY BE SENT THREE MONTHS BEFORE THE WEDDING. THE DECISION NOT TO GO IS MY WIFE'S.
What do you say when your grown children bring your wife up?
I HAVE MADE IT VERY CLEAR WHERE MY ALLEGIANCE LIES AND THAT I HAVE BEEN WITH HER FOR 20 YEARS VS. THE VERY SHORT 7 YRS WITH THEIR MOTHER. SHE IS MY PARTNER AND SHE NEEDS TO BE RESPECTED AS SUCH.
Do you still listen to them complain about her?
REST ASSURED THEY DO NOT MENTION OR COMPLAIN ABOUT HER. IT WOULD NOT BE CONDUCIVE TO THEIR HEALTH! IN OTHER WORDS THEY KNOW THAT I WILL DEFEND HER, SO THEY PREFER TO IGNORE HER, WHICH OF COURSE DOES NOT HELP MATTERS.
Do you change the subject? Or do you stand firm and let them know without a doubt that you never want to hear your wife's name cross their lips again unless they have something nice to say?
IN THE BEGINNING I TRIED TO UNDERSTAND THEIR POSITION AND DEBATE THE SUBJECT. NOW IT IS DEAD. AS MENTIONED BEFORE, I FLEW SPECIALLY TO MY SON'S TOWN TO SPEND THREE HOURS TALKING WITH MY SON FOR WHAT? HE CAN'T UNDERSTAND OR RELATE AND AS MENTIONED, REMAINS TOTALLY IN DENIAL.
Do you put any responsibility for the current state of affairs on them? Or do you tend to think they are really still the children in the situation?
ABSOLUTELY. THEY ARE GROWN-UPS BEHAVING LIKE LITTLE BABIES, ESPECIALLY MY SON. HE IS VERY MATURE, SUCCESSFUL IN STUDIES AND BUSINESS AND YET CAN REGRESS TO INFANTILE BEHAVIOR. WITH DAUGHTER, SHE PREFERS TO RATHER REMAIN POLITICALLY CORRECT ATTEMPTING TO SAY THE RIGHT THINGS. HOWEVER, IT DOES NOT CUT IT AS WE CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH THESE ATTEMPTS.
Do I resent my adult
Do I resent my adult children?
My total irritation with the current 20 years of family drama is based upon a number of key factors which have played a major role in the current situation:
BM: Without a doubt the manipulator behind the scenes. The damage she has done goes back nearly 20 years! There are plenty of issues I could raise against her, which by the way I have done face to face with my adult children. Their response has been trivial, nonchalant, non-supportive. BM has always been the shining star, whilst they both have recognized that BM has been responsible for pretty much most of the misery both spouse and I have had to endure over the years.
I guess one could say, I have never been given the recognition of being a good father, being there for them back then. That manipulation has resulted in a very distorted picture with dire consequences within the family structure (if I may call it that)
Adult children: Mother is great, Mom is fabulous, Mom this, Mom that.... yet she was the one who instigated this sorry situation. The adult children are also old enough to take responsibility for their actions. The problem is when confronted it is "Ooh no, I love spouse and the kids" or "ooh no that's not true..." The best one was when adult daughter (about to get married) trend around with crocodile tears in her eyes saying "Dad, what do I have to do to make you happy?, I feel every time we meet I need to walk on egg-shells!" (I guess it has shown how the "balance of power" has slowly shifted! Am I happy with this situation, no. However, I am doing it for self protection and to ensure that spouse and three younger kids remain at a distance, regrettably a sad situation, which could have been very different.
The sad part is that I am talking about my own kids but nonetheless the position I have taken is the only one I can take to protect what I have. Their making, not ours! The puzzling thing is that both spouse and myself have NEVER once actually done anything against both adult children or BM. I guess we call it "self-protection"
I had a situation years ago when adult son was confronted by spouse about his "issues" with her (she had shown me the e-mail, which I felt was truthful, honest trying to understand the situation we found ourselves in). He called me at my office demanding on whose side I was on? I clearly stated my position of siding with my wife, resulting in him slamming the phone down on me. Lots of hidden issues there that he is not prepared to share......
Do I enjoy their company? At a superficial level, having a brief drink when in town, I can tolerate the situation. Not as a father cares and shares family moments, experiences all aspects of what being a father means to five children.
Regarding their hatred, it is hidden, call it passive aggressiveness, whatever..... This makes me distrust them 100%, hence my reluctance to make regular appearances in their lives.... Sad that it has to come to this..... but self preservation is critical in these types of situations. No compromise!
Thank you for posting this!
Thank you for posting this! It is wonderful to see someone take responsibility for their part & to hear of the "lessons learned", making your relationship with your wife what it should be.
Thanks for this post, and for
Thanks for this post, and for your honesty. I can only hope it doesn't take my SO 20 years to get to the same place!
It is great to hear a Dad
It is great to hear a Dad recognize that he created some of this blended family mess. DH thinks he contributed a little bit, but ultimately places all the blame at BM and SD. When honestly he did create some of it, by not disciplining early on...
Thanks for posting this. Nice to see a DH that gets it...
I agree that it is invaluable
I agree that it is invaluable to have an enlightened biological father to help us understand the BF's point of view. Just wondering though - what was the catalyst that helped you to look at things from your significant other's perspective?
Also. are you really prepared to back your wife if this division with your oldest children goes on for a prolonged period of time?
Despite all that my husband's oldest children have done to him he still accepts any crumb they throw out - very short memory where they are concerned. Ironically, though - although my H is free to have any level of relationship he wants with the adult steps and the stepgrands as long as it does not negatively impact upon our children, my H makes no effort to call or communicate with them with the exception of gift giving occaisions. I am not sure if he is too selfish or too scared to call them. Both of his older children have their own homes so having a relationship away from our family should not be that difficult but my husband makes no effort to do so.
Consequently, I no longer feel sympathetic because he does not have the relationship he wants with his first family and I have no idea what our future will be - all I know is that, sadly, I have no choice but to remain permanantly disengaged.
Q what was the catalyst that
Q what was the catalyst that helped you to look at things from your significant other's perspective?
It was my SO (is that the right term?) writing to my eldest son querying why he had made numerous accusations regarding her. It was a genuine attempt at addressing the situation. His reply was juvenile, not dealing with the questions put in the e-mail and smoke and mirrors. He actually called me as I was boarding a plane flying home. I clearly told him that I was aware of this e-mail and suggested that for once in his life he should "come clean" and discuss the issues in a truthful manner. This was not to be. He called me the next day asking me to choose between him or my wife!!! (How ludicrous was that?) I clearly stated my position and asked him to explain why he had not used the opportunity to "come clean". This resulted in him slamming the phone down on me. I survived the call although I cannot understand how he thought I would side against my wife? Another problem was at the time my reluctance to actually deal with the various situations in the past by nipping them in the bud before they spread. This never happened back then, leaving us having to deal with situations such as the one above.
Q are you really prepared to back your wife if this division with your oldest children goes on for a prolonged period of time?
I have and will. There is no going back. My wife is an honest person who has issues with people when she gets accused of wrong-doing. I am also of the same opinion. These are principles which we live by. She has always been accommodating, helpful and gone the extra mile time and time again. I guess she got to the breaking point. I was faced with a clear situation, do I back her up or not (which I regret not having done in the past), I did and I can say that it has strengthened my position regarding my adult children. It has not improved my relationship, on the contrary but what it has done is brought spouse and myself closer together as a couple dealing with these family issues in the very turbulent world we live in today!
Sitting on the fence all those years was the worst possible mistake I made. I need to accept that this was my making, nobody else's.