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Girlfriends 14 year old stepdaughter blended family

pinker10's picture

Submitted by pinker10 on Tue, 11/22/2011 - 4:08pm

i recently found out my wonderful girlfriend is giving me a child at 40. it was a surprise and im real happy. she has a 14 year old daughter that has seen and been through a lot way to much. she is very strong willed and has a great head on her shoulders , good grades, never in trouble, and im so understanding of the wall she built. she really is game for anything but only because she likes seeing her mom happy. we decided recently and have began to co habitate they both are currently in the process of moving in. her daughter is scared even though she wont say it. she has never really had a positive male role model in her life and the father is not around and never really has been as he walked away from the marriage when he heard my girlfriend became pregnant. my girlfriend has done a wonderful job raising her all by herself. we have talked (her daughter and i)and she feels that its because of the baby that we have all came together. i really am happy, been along time since ive felt this good. i really want to try and make this the most positive experience for her. her mom and me have talked and i told her that i think she really needs to see a good and healthy relationship that we both have. i am taking on a lot of things with this because i really dont want to let her down once again. any advice?

Comments

Lauren1438's picture

Submitted by Lauren1438 on Tue, 11/22/2011 - 4:14pm

keep communication open. Also don't try and be her father just be there for her.

This site is a great tool to bounce stuff around if a problem comes up. There are SM and BM's on here as well as SF and BF. Use this as a tool if you need help.

Also Congratulations on the Baby!

pinker10's picture

Submitted by pinker10 on Wed, 11/23/2011 - 10:51pm

Thanks for the congrats. I agree the last thing I want is her to think that I am trying to be her father. I will let time and actions show that I care about her and her mom and all of us being happy as a whole is whats important. I guess I just need to be patient and allow her to let us become more familiar with each other and build a trust that I will always be here for her no matter what.

Its nice to have a forum to discuss things.

Happy holidays

lexaprotakemeaway's picture

Submitted by lexaprotakemeaway on Tue, 11/22/2011 - 4:32pm

I would suggest getting her some counseling. She seems like a good kid, and talking with a professional may help her to come to terms with some of the issues she has with accepting the positive influence you're trying to give her.

Doubletakex3's picture

Submitted by Doubletakex3 on Tue, 11/22/2011 - 4:43pm

In addition to the other posters' advice, I suggest agreeing upon the ground rules of the house / behavior, etc. and the consequences up front and in writing. You and her mother need to be a united front and the less ambiguity on the rules the better.

Congratulations! And, come here often for lessons learned, different perspectives or just for a laugh...there's not shortage. Welcome.

pinker10's picture

Submitted by pinker10 on Wed, 11/23/2011 - 10:59pm

To this point I dont think this is necessary as she has not even tried to test the waters. Im not sure setting up ground rules would be a healthy way to begin the transition. Im sure many people have horror stories. My concern is trying to make her feel more comfortable with the transition and not create anything that can be construide as me being a disciplinarian. Trust me her mom can handle this for now. In time if situation arises where we need to address issues it will be as a family and not hand written understandings. She is 14 not very certain how this would make her more adaptive to the sudden change in her life.