I never want to trat my kids like I am being treated from my mom
I come from a divorced family and it makes the holidays terrible for me! I am almost 30 years old and I still get treated terribly by my mother if I even mention my father and his family in a sentence.
Holidays are the worst. This year we had mentioned going to my fathers side thankssgiving becasue my grandmother is sick and it could possibly be her last.
Well, I had told my husband my mother had nothing to do on thanksgiving and I would like to go visit her while we were in town at my fathers. Well, he being thoughful came up with the idea that we just go to his family's and invite my mother so she will not be alone.
Ok, that sounded fine. So, I asked my mom almost two weeks ago and she was all about it....fast foward to today and now she doesnt know if she can attend. She is now making all kinds of excuses of why she needs to stay at home.
Well, if she does not go with us then I have already made up my mind that we will just go to my dads. Then I will here all the crap about how I have totally turned on her and how much my father never did for me until i had my baby and that is the only reason he is having anything to do with it.
I am stuck between a rock and hard place.
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Doesn't it suck? My Mom and
Doesn't it suck? My Mom and Dad have been divorced for over 15 years and she has never moved on. He is better about letting me mention her, but then he has a comment. She hates him and he hates her. So I have not done Thanksgiving with him in years. I did Thanksgiving with her last year only because she had no where else to go so I stayed home and cooked. But, honestly for years I went to my In-laws to avoid dealing with this issue.
Thankfully they live in separate states so I can avoid the conversations....
I am curious, because I
I am curious, because I haven't experienced life as a child from a divorced home, does it get easier to express your feelings about the way your parents actions/words make you feel when you get older?
From the comments I've read here (not just this blog, but in previous blogs) it seems that communication doesn't get easier, but rather creating distance is what makes coming from a divorced family bearable for the children involved.
I keep telling my DH that when the kids are older & experience more of life, I think they will be more likely to come around & talk to him about their thoughts & feelings about it, but I'm starting to think that that may not be true.
I guess it also has to do with how each of the parents handles it...
I know not experience is the
I know not experience is the same so this is just mine. I think it harder. I have to say growing up my father treated me terribly, so I always counted on my mom. She was there. Well, as I have gotton older I have forgave my father, but we will never be as close as my mom and me. Its just that simple. I do go and vist my father, but not like I pop in on my mom.
Every time I mention my father my mom gets on a tagent. So I try not to bring his name up...but if she finds out that I have seen my dad or anything I will not hear the end of it...She becomes the biggest baby you have ever seen.
Now at 30 years old..just so I will not hear her crap I try to keep it from her.
Both of my parents parents
Both of my parents parents have been divorced and remarried at lest once. I have three thanksgivings to go to in one day...I can recommend this.
Breakfast with one side of the family.
the main dinner with one side
then desert with another side.
It is a busy day and trust me you feel like you will explode but it is the one way we can make everyone "happy" and "included". We do the same thing on Christmas day.
It didn't get easier for me
It didn't get easier for me until I did lots of therapy about my parents divorce...And I was 23 when they separated and ultimately divorced. But, my father has no relationship with my sisters. They don't try anymore and neither does he. It depends on the family. For me, as long as I don't mention the one to the other it is fine...It also helps that my sisters and I can not talk about my Dad either. There were many messy years and time and distance have helped...
So given my situation and DH situation with his SD15 and that they don't speak, will it ever get better? Probably not as they are both stubborn. Also, my father won't try to have a relationship with my sisters. He can't forgive them and they can't forgive him. Very sad...
I do think that this actally happens in most families. If you ask random families if they have someone in their family that is ex-communicated or just not a part of the family, everyone always has one story to tell. My mom's family did (my aunt), my Dad's family (GMA did with half her children) did and now both my family and my husband's family (His mothers twin and his fathers siblings)does. And now our next generation does with SD.
So on it goes....Sad thing is life is too short for this many people to have so little to do with each other.
I have tried & tried to see
I have tried & tried to see things from the kids POV's, & I sometimes wonder if excusing the way they treat DH keeps them from having to look at the part they've played in the breakdown of their relationships with him.
While he carries a load of guilt for the situation being what it is, he doesn't parent out of guilt. He will always be available to them & he will always want a relationship with them, but after many years of putting forth real effort & being told to back off, he has been left with no other option but to do it.
Sometimes I worry that his backing off will be chalked up to not caring enough or not trying, but then other times I figure that as teenagers they are old enough to understand that he did it at their request.
I believe that counseling would benefit both of them, as long as they persue it without BM being involved, but I don't see that happening until they get a chance to realize what they've missed out on.
I just thought maybe age & life-experience would make things easier to deal with.
I'd just tell her very
I'd just tell her very clearly that I do not want to hear a word about my father come out if her mouth and if she can't do that then she will not be seeing me or my kids! But that is my personality I don't take crap from anyone and my parents know that b/c I have done the very same thing to them!
They tried to give a bf a 100 bucks to marry me and I laid into them and I moved and they didn't see me or the kids for months they got the pic real fast!
tryingtomakeit you are going to have to put boundaries on your mom to just be sane just like on these bm's. People treat you the way you allow them to treat you.
I am a simple black and white mainly person but of course I know there is some grey in there but for the most part you have to make it black and white to get your point across. You may not have to not have her in your life too long as she just might see the light. good luck but put those boundaries on her now.
My parents divorced in 76.
My parents divorced in 76. I'm 47. Xmas at maternal grandma, Easter and Thanksgiving at Dads. My dad was a drinker and a womanizer, and he really gave my brother a hard time growing up (my only sibling) but I have to say my parents (dads dead) could've written a book on how to divorce with class. No PASing on either side, everything easy and amicable. I can remember one time, my dad called the house drunk and really upset my Mom during the divorce, but that was IT. My mom is married to a real wiener now, but I treat him with respect and class, because that is what was modeled to me.
Tryingtomakeit I feel for
Tryingtomakeit I feel for your situation. Here is my suggestion and one that has worked well for me!!! VERY WELL!!!! Don't go to any of them. Start your own holiday tradition filled with people just like yourself (your friends) or just spend the holiday doing exactly what you want to do!!! Make it YOUR special day!!! You don't have to put up with all of that stupid crap!!! It makes the holiday a bad time. Why would you want to do that!! TAKE A STAND FOR YOURSELF and start a new tradition of peace, good food, and doing something relaxing!!! Doesn't that sound GOOD???? I am spending my "day off" (Thanksgiving) grilling T-bones, baked potatoes, and green beans and all the traditional desserts of course and then I'm going to go walking with my man.... MMMMMMMMMMM who knows what after that. Popcorn and Netflix after a hot bath. Selfish? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! Smart!!! You bet!!! Those "family members" don't pay my bills or add anything to my life!!! Thank you for raising me.... but..... See ya!!! (I'm not trying to be disresptful to the parents that deserve respect, so, and sweet 3 min phone call saying "happy Thanksgiving" "i love you" is all a real parent needs : ) LOL