Worthless BM and Thanksgiving!!!
I can't believe how low this woman will go!! BF and SD went grocery shopping yesterday. I stayed home . A few minutes of peace for me lol. Well they have all the Thanksgiving displays out and she wants to get all this stuff for Thanksgiving. BF tells her you spend Tgiving with your mom this year. I will pick you up on Saturday. Cue sad droopy eyes from SD "mom said she can't afford to do Tgiving this year so can I go to your house?". Of course BF puffs up with pride to the rescue of course SD you come home with us. Now I have two problems with this. Number one he has no idea if it's even true that BM is bailing on Tgiving. It's more than likely true but still. Second he just says yes to her without discussing it with her mother. Not his place to do and he gives her the power to decide where she is going.
I think it sucks that BM whines about money all the time. She gets 1700 per month!!!! If she can't afford food she is crazy!!! She always has cigarettes too smoke and alcohol for her and her BF. So we pick up the slack again. I have no problem having SD here for Tgiving but I can't stand picking up BM's slack. Thanksgiving is about being together they can have grilled cheeses sandwiches and still celebrate the day together as a family. Geez that woman makes me crazy!!!!!
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Exactly my thoughts Dru, he
Exactly my thoughts Dru, he believes SD without a doubt. With BM's track record it's not a stretch but he still needs to contact BM. He doesn't plan on going and picking her up or anything but he is not going to address it with BM. Irritating but I am disengaging from it I just had to vent!!! I love Thanksgiving and want a nice family (drama free) dinner
Yeah, he's wrong here. He
Yeah, he's wrong here. He needs to discuss what she has said with her mother before he ever agrees to anything and during this conversation he needs to mention that if it's true that she has complained to SD about money then she's wrong in doing so. Children shouldn't be given the power to change their visitation schedule like that and they shouldn't be brought into grown matters like money. They have all time time in the world to worry about money when they are the grown-up chain smoking worthless BM themselves.
SD to your DH: Mom can't
SD to your DH: Mom can't afford to do Thanksgiving this year so can I come to your house?
SD to BM: Dad really wants me to come to his house for thanksgiving this year, so can I? (sad droopy eyes)
She's playing BM and Dad. Sorry but your DH is a moron for jumping on that sad droopy eyes, oh woe is me band wagon.
... and come on.. how can you get 1700.00 / month and not be able to afford even a turkey breast, some potatoes, gravy and a box of stuffing??? We're talking like 10 bucks here. Give me a break. Your DH must have been born last night.
I know I told him "she is
I know I told him "she is playing you!!!" He fought me on it because he says her BM is so low this is something she would do anyways. Fine I said then if she doesn't get Thanksgiving it is her BM's fault and she will have to deal with it not you.
I personally think SD figures it will be "boring" at her BM's. BM has no family other than her kids. We are planning on having a huge get together like we always do. So SD would rather come to our house. Too bad so sad for SD she needs to spend the holiday with her mother. Next year she spends it with us and so on and so on.
Oh I can sooooo see thu that
Oh I can sooooo see thu that one! I agree that she is manipulating all this, I have a SS that does this as well..on our end, we will ask BM if its true and she will say "what?". Dh is still totally oblivious to all of it tho, and doesnt see that his 'kid' could ever do that, and then makes excuses, like, well "he must have been confused'..lol... umm.. nope..they just know how to play their parents, and dont like it when the step can see thru it all. I think thats why my ss10 and I have so many issues, he is a master at manipulating, and DH fall for it over and over...
Id check with the BM on this one. To verify what is really going on.
My ssons tried that a few
My ssons tried that a few times. DH would immediately rush to their rescue. BM would be oblivious to it and be angry with DH for stepping over their boundaries (she is VERY keen on boundaries). I told DH that what he is doing is allowing his sons to call the shots and if he does it again I would be spending the night in a hotel and spending every cent on our credit cards (DH is VERY aware of our credit rating).
So the next time the boys bleated some sad story about being home all evening alone with no food in the house I reminded DH to call their mother. Hey, he procreated with her, not me! And it seems things were not as dire and terrible as they made out and she was not happy they were telling DH all her 'private stuff' like how much food she didn't have. DH went back to his boys and told them he had called their mother and wonder of wonders, their mother was going shopping that evening after work and would be home by 7pm! No, they were not being abandoned like orphans on the side of the road to root through dumpsters for a morsel of food. Their mother wanted them to come shopping with her. They just didn't want to go.
Exactly it should be him and
Exactly it should be him and BM making the change if necessary not SD. Which was my whole point to him. But he was upset at the thought of SD missing Thanksgiving dinner because of her mother. He couldn't get past that point. He also said that he wasn't going to be away from SD if he could have her on that day. Which I never argued about he just got super defensive because I said we don't know what the story is yet. He took that as implying that SD was lying. It is a touchy subject because of all the lying her older sister does that he is finally addressing. Lots of dynamics here but bottom line is that he and BM make the scheduling changes, decisions, etc. and not SD.
He is used to letting SD call the shots so it is work for him to take back the control and step up and parent. He also gets defensive when we talk about it so I have to learn to step back and disengage. Which is hard for me but it is best for me as well.
We have a selfish BM on our
We have a selfish BM on our hands too. She can never "afford" extras for SD..hell she can't even afford to buy her clothes that fit...but she is definitely out partying all the time and wearing new clothes herself.
Same here she can't afford
Same here she can't afford clothes, warm jacket, food, you name it!!! But she smokes 2 packs a day and drives her BF all over the county to visit his kids and parties like crazy. It is all about priorities.
Heck I remember struggling when I was single lucky for me I always had my parents and family to help. I know BM does not have this. I was even going to get a gift card to the grocery store and mail it to her anonymously so she can buy food for Thanksgiving. But I had to step back and keep my nose out of it LOL
We've got the same lack of
We've got the same lack of communication issue here. What we've started doing is giving them the following answer:
No problem! But, your Mom's got to call me to discuss it first.
That is perfect!! So easy
That is perfect!! So easy and so powerful at the same time. I am going to tell BF about this. Why didn't I think of that :?
It really has worked great
It really has worked great for us. It's eliminated the skids taking advantage of the fact there's no communication. It also helps SO feel like he's not being the bad guy for having to be the one to say, "No."
We had a version of this
We had a version of this situation when we found out that BM took the skids to the Salvation Army last year to pick out their Christmas gifts. I vacillate between compassion for the kids and homicidal thoughts of BM. I'm sure she'll do the same thing this year. Although she's so far behind on paying her CS that her license is being suspended so someone else may need to drive them. Ggrrrr