Time to disengage….from the BM.
Time to disengage….from the BM.
I have a relatively good life at home with DH and SD11. We all get on with life quite well. Don’t get me wrong, its been a long, long, long, hard road.
I’ve disengaged somewhat from SD11 in that, I leave the responsibility for parenting her up to DH. He wants it anyway, why fight it. In the beginning, I felt DH indulged her with things, but mostly his time. He spent countless hours entertaining her. Our relationship was definitely not a priority every other week.
What I do now (which really works for me) is I take the opportunity when they’re “bonding” to relax by myself. I take long baths, I watch tv in bed, I SD11 has a sporting event, I don’t miss work to go to them. I no longer feel the need to prove to everyone that I’m “better than BM”. An epiphany of sorts, because no matter how narcisstic she is, she’ll always be BM. I’ll always be just “brightside”.
Anyway, what still happens are the sometimes frequent conversations with DH about BM and what a shitty mother she is. And I get right in there too. Maybe a large part of me likes the reassurance that he can’t stand her. But somehow, afterward, upon reflection those conversations, I feel sad. Sad because nothing changes the fact that not only was he married to BM for 10 years, he chose to have a child with her 4 years into the marriage. And once he was with me, he didn’t want children anymore. Which is contrary to what he led me to believe before we got married.
Two successful IVFs each followed by two miscarriages early in our marriage. A lot of soul searching by me. Now, truthfully, I’m too old to have a child, and really, I don’t want to do it on my own. Staying married to a man whom I love, seems like the right course for me.
However, I still hold on to that resentment. Its like a gritty by-product of our “BM bitch sessions”.
Its time for me to not “engage” in those BM bashing conversations anymore. She just takes up waaay too much space in my brain.
I know that I’m a better person than she is. I know that I would have made a much better mother. Even in my “disengaged” state, I still spend more quality one on one time with SD.
My goal is 2 parts:
1. One day at a time, I will not “engage in any conversation regarding DH”. Any time he wants to rant, vent, complain etc, I will make very non-committal responses. I will be supportive, but I won’t “engage” in the discussion, or offer my opinion (I’ll leave it to vent here if I absolutely have to).
2. I will not speak of BM to anyone else. I find myself discussing BM with people, with or without DH present. I won’t do that anymore.
The goal, ultimately, is to get this woman out of my life.
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Comments
Your post is amazing and
Your post is amazing and inspiring. Best of luck with your disengagement! Please keep us updated from time to time on how it's going. I am another stepmom who has let BM live rent-free in my brain for FAR too long and you give me hope that I may come to the point, sooner or later, where enough is enough.
Happy Halloween!
You are an inspiration and I
You are an inspiration and I think your blog came at just the right time for me. Thank you.
THANK YOU THANK YOu!!!! I may
THANK YOU THANK YOu!!!! I may have to join you in this effort! I'm tired of her renting free space in my head! I realize that though bf would WANT me to be the better mother figure SD doesn't have, I never will be, and I am ok with that. I have my own to raise.
I have to stop talkign with him about bm and adding on w/him-as if that will change sd's behavior!!
I am starting the disengagment process also with the sd-I've not gone to games this season (except one)...I told him I don't want SD in house for a while (probably till after holidays or more). I will likely not attend sd's bday nor anymore of her games.
Honestly to me it's jsut painful to see so many people rallied including bm and her posse praising everytime she farts and then i and my kids get mistreated by her (SD) and bm's stunts.
Somehow today I remember SD asked if the boys could go to some tournament she has coming up soon....and I will have to find out when that is and do something else. I remember that I went to most of her games last season and cheered her on-my kids even went to a couple and cheered her on...she came to one my youngest sons game and since she knew a kid on the opposite team spent the entire game yelling/rooting for the OPPOSITE team of my son. WHAT A SPITEFUL BITCH! So she can wait for their presence and NOT have it.
Disengaging from his ranting bm vents also-and everytime he mentions SD I change the subject-it's for my own good. I'm tired of her actions being dismissed. The mama bear in me will swat her down before either of them can do more damage to my family and our time.
I am stealing your goals.
I am stealing your goals. Seriously... I am at the exact same point in my journey as a SM, with the exception of, I am still completely engaged with SS because BM is a POS and doesn't do her job as a mom.
Thanks for this. I needed it!
Okay...here we go ladies!!
Okay...here we go ladies!! No more BM renting space in our brains!
Now, lets go eat some tiny chocolate bars...(damn you halloween candy!)
Good for you, Brightside!!!!
Good for you, Brightside!!!! I think way too many SM's spend too much time and energy on their BMs.
Are you talking about me??
Are you talking about me?? ::hangs head in shame::
Yes, I will admit that even now that the skids are 17 and 18, I still allow BM to rent too much space in my head. Mainly because SD is so obviously PASed out that she won't have anything to do with us or let us even see her baby.
I wrote: “engage in any
I wrote: “engage in any conversation regarding DH”.
What I meant was “engage in any conversation regarding BM”.
But you are all so smart you figured that out.
AND I won't "start" a conversation with DH regarding BM.
I think we all understood
I think we all understood that.
2 Comments..... @@ THATGIRL
2 Comments.....
@@ THATGIRL -- I just HAD to laugh at your post. I know what you meant, but what I first read was... well, insinuating that I need more fiber. ha ha ha
@@BRIGHTSIDE -- I made a list of tings a couple weeks ago to prove a point not only to myself, but to my DH because we were caught up in some Ex drama, and this is what I said:
1) I have NEVER sought BM out nor tried to engage her in conversation (except within the first few months of meeting her I would say hello and be nicey, but all I got in return was stinkeye)
2) I will NOT answer the phone when she calls. She isn't calling to talk to me, she's calling to talk to him. I don't care that she's calling when she knows DH isn't home, I'm still not answering it. He's had the same cell # for 20 years, I'm sure she knows it.
3) I will not volunteer, nor will I be EXPECTED to do favors for her.
4) I will not allow her to dictate what's what, especially when she tries to infringe on MY time with MY family and MY kids.
I have issues with separating my feelings for skids from my feelings about BM. If I'm disengaged from skids, it just makes sense that I'm disengaged from anything about her too.
Every single day is an uphill battle. But I just keep trying....
"I have issues with
"I have issues with separating my feelings for skids from my feelings about BM. If I'm disengaged from skids, it just makes sense that I'm disengaged from anything about her too. "
I think this could partially be my problem...i guess when sd acts exactly like bm, and looks exactly like her, it's hard for me to seperate the two.
I had booked marked this
I had booked marked this post. I wrote it last Halloween.
The truth is, this year has been hell. Not only have I NOT disengaged from BM, but DH and I have mostly talked about NOTHING BUT her for the past 8 months. Since last Christmas.
We had a miserable SD who didn't want to live with her mother. Her anxiety level was through the roof. Couple that with DH trying to lower CS (because we had SD 70%). We just went back to court last month to modify the schedule and lower child support. All hell broke loose.
AND I've been re-assigned to a high level project at work this past year.
SO. I'm about to break.
I'm glad I re-read this post. I need to get back to that headspace. I cannot go another month talking nothing but BM and her issues.
Today is a new day. TIME TO DISENGAGE. Not to "try" but to do it.