Pull up a chair, welcome to what used to be my world too! Being Mrs. nice ***** was a complete and utter waste of time, I just got to be Mrs. do not give a damn about what she says or does. It's a hard road though, I will not kid you at all. As for the kids' behaviors? Look no further than their murther!
A juvenile panel had the (ahem) privilage of meeting BM and they all say that our girl's behaviors are 'learned' ones and they are currently being 'unlearned' in a facility. She's no more badassed than a lot of us were as teenagers deep down. She's stubborn, hot headed and damn smart! She's really an awesome kid, I love her very much. She got her GED just made 16 and took SAT for university and took classes at just made 17. Her SAT was with NO revision, straight out of juvenile detention, one night of sleep and then sit the test. This kid is going places! She'd make a damned good CEO, judge said she should take the bar!! We joke with her that she's done a lot of 'research'. This kid is smart enough to make some changes! I just hope she 'remembers' those who helped her on her way....LOL
Chin up my friend, look forward to the days when they are up and away. The hard part is almost over, I think if you have instilled enough goodness into the older ones and they will be setting the tone for the younger ones. If you have no problems with behaviors from them then let it be. Ours could not wait to come live with us, BM abandoned them on the side of the road! Seriously!! A ton of tales of BM and her antics but, you know what? She's irrelevant! We'll undo the damage she does these kids and they'll move forward.

Sounds like there is a whole lot of positive on your end!! Don't lose that!! NO MATTER WHAT, don't let BM change who YOU are inside. Just as Giveitago said....BM is irrelevant. Her actions/words have NO bearing on you and the relationship you have with your Skids. Her words don't control YOU. YOU control you.

Of course, easier said than done. We've had SD17 full time since she was 8. It has NOT been an easy road. However, on this side of all the years, life became easier once we let BM go. Didn't care what she said, what she did...can't care what happens at her house. We can control what goes on in our house. That's IT. There is always, to this day, an "adjustment period" when SD comes home after a visit. Now, the focus has shifted on SD's side of things. When she wants something that we have told her SHE has to work for and save for, she will go behind our backs and whine to BM about it. That brings it all back...

That's the hardest part for ME. When the devious, sneaky behavior makes me live with something I don't BELIEVE in as a person, I have to live with it. Drilling into my head that BM is her mother and I don't have "the right" to step in...that's been a tough thing.

At one time, SD literally begged to go live with BM. DH almost gave in. Then, I stepped in and reminded him of ALL of the YEARS of fighting BM. We KNOW she is better off with us, no matter my mental capacity to handle it. (Currently, disengaged...) Finally, I managed to get through to DH that SD was a CHILD. She wasn't 18, she didn't get to decide. DH and his ex had to make that decision. WITHOUT ME. SD has stayed with us, and in moments of clarity, she admits that our home is the place she is supposed to.

My advice? Don't let BM dictate how you react/interact with your Skids. It's your relationship. Hopefully, unlike me, you will have the unending support of your DH.

I have lived through all of those same things...BM trash talking to MIL and anyone who will listen. Let BM call DCF, police, or whomever she feels like. Her trash talking will be unfounded. If there was a basis for any of it, she would have called already. BM is trying to assert her control in a situation where she has none.

We, too, have kept our "conversations" about BM out of ears' range from SD. The older SD got, the more she found ways to eavesdrop. Now, I do not mention anything about anything if she is in the house. I wait til she is gone. SD's NEVER had a bedtime, so it's never an option to wait until she goes to bed. HA. We usually go outside to discuss anything on the patio. Until I caught her at a window, listening away. Learned my lesson, b/c she would report back to BM and then the heat would turn up again from her.

When I first came into the picture, DH's side of the family took me aside and told me how much "work" I had to do to turn this girl around. Never stopped until MIL (sadly) died. MIL always listened to me, always supported me, always told me what a piece of shit BM was...I am grateful for that. And, I miss her now. Neither here nor there now. There's just another set of ears for SD to turn to...Dh's sister. Everyone has showered her with pity.."poor, pitiful, beautiful girl. So misunderstood..." Bull shit.

Hopefully, time will make this better. Continue to be stable and offer your love to skids. They need to know that you are strong and consistent. My SD17 knows this about me in her heart. Even though we have it tough at the moment, whenever she is in trouble (even if it's not that big a deal), she ALWAYS comes to me. I have never, ever turned her away when she has asked for help. That's the one thing I've never bent on.