Pissy
So, I have disengaged from SD11,which means I'm not going to say or do anything about it, but this morning she gets up and opens bedroom door (her room is across the landing from ours) and out comes the smell of piss, not the I just pissed my bed last night smell of piss, but 2 days worth that has dried and been done again. Before anything is said about an 11 yr old still wetting the bed, she has been seen by a doctor and it is simple she cannot wake herself up in time to go and yes, we have done it all, punishment, treatments, helping and incentives. Anyway she has been told "just wash your sheets everyday", even though she has 2 sets. She proceeds to start her morning ritual, I know her like the back of my hand so I watch and wait and sure enough she gets dressed without taking a bath. I come tell her father(this is why I disengaged, so he would do more)ME: "don't you smell that?" HIM: "What am I suppose to smell?" ME:"The piss smell wafting from your daughter's room" HIM: "I don't smell anything" ME: "Really? Okay and by the way this is the second day in a row she has pissed the bed and I don't think she took a bath yesterday morning either." He said nothing, got dressed and left for work. SS came home from school(by the way I was secretly hoping someone would make fun of her) STILL has not bathed or taken sheets and blankets to laundry to wash them. Now as the day has progressed, the smell has only intensified and is in encompassing the whole 2nd floor.
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Ew. She should wear Depends
Ew. She should wear Depends or an overnight maxi pad to bed until it gets under control. And if SD isn't going to wash her sheets, DH needs to step up and do it. What is his problem anyway?! If this was happening in my house and DH didn't do anything and just walked out the door, I'd be flipping the hell out!
I don't want the added
I don't want the added expense of Depends, she should just try harder. She is counting on no one doing anything, this just justifies that I am the "bad guy".
By buying and letting her use
By buying and letting her use the diapers I believe this enabling her to continue to be lazy. I won't buy them and I know the father won't either.
I do this to my SD10!!! I
I do this to my SD10!!! I tell her that her room reeks so she needs to keep the door closed. Then I tell her she smells like pee so she should just go play in her pee room. She also not allowed on my furniture. I also refuse to do her laundry so when she asks me I just say, "Nope, I wrong touch your nasty pee"
What is her dad doing about
What is her dad doing about the whole situation?
Absolutely nothing this is
Absolutely nothing this is one example of why fathers should not raise their daughters without help, he had help he just wouldn't back me up. So now she pees the bed and there no repercussions for it. I hope someone makes fun of her at school so she will feel bad and finally snap.
How sad that her father
How sad that her father doesn't care enough about her to say something! Sounds sort of mean when you word it like that, huh? That's how I had to word it to my SO when I disengaged. I told him that his skids have two parents, and I'm not one of htem. If they didn't care enough about their own children to do these things, why should I? He started paying more attention to their behavior after that.
I used those words to DH as
I used those words to DH as well!x
Last time SD10 pee'd the bed,
Last time SD10 pee'd the bed, FDH put her mattress on the back porch and told her that's where she'd be sleeping because he didn't want the house smelling like piss. He sent her out there with a blanket and everything. He ultimately moved the mattress back in and she slept in her room. I'm hoping she got the message. She hasn't wet the bed since. Time will tell I guess.
(in truth, the mattress was out there to air out after we shampoo'd it but she doesn't need to know that)
Love it
Love it }:)
I want to throw her pissy
I want to throw her pissy things in the yard, if she does it again.
I definitely hope that you
I definitely hope that you are successful in getting this under control. My SS16 is still wetting the bed and I see no signs of it stopping. His room reeks of urine. The meds that he was prescibed 3 years ago "ran out" and BM couldn't bother to get them refilled. She insists that he will "grow out of it." I don't think so - the child is 16 - if he were going to grow out of it he should have done so by now!
FH finally agreed to go against BM and take the boy to the doctor again. Of course, that was 3 months ago and no appointment has occurred. Apparently neither of his parents care enough about him to help him. I am not at all fond of him - he is downright nasty to me - but I am appalled at the lack of parenting he receives and the way he has been allowed to fail in every way possible all of his life.
Why not change the linen and
Why not change the linen and put the pissy sheets in a bag all warmed up and leave it under the seat in his car/truck?
he is desensitized to it all.
I suspect he is either A) ignoring it because he doesn't want to deal with such a personal issue with his daughter (like buying her tampons) or
HAs ANYONE spoken to her about it? If you have and she still ignores you, tell her the next time this happens you are waiting until she goes to school, you will take a photo of the bed and posting it on FB with her name tagged to it.
I like this, but he would
I like this, but he would just say I am being childish and uncivilized,but maybe if it continues I will take your suggestion.
SAME story with SD10. I keep
SAME story with SD10. I keep her door closed and spray the heck out of the outside with lysol. Wtf is wrong with these dads noses!?! Hes getting better though because he has to go in and get/do her laundry so he is slowly getting better. Gross huh!?!
I'm really sorry, but I think
I'm really sorry, but I think humilating a 14 year old boy who is obviously just at the age where he is going through puberty is cruel.
I wet the bed until I was 11, my brother until he was 15 but neither of my two sisters ever wet the bed.
As a bed wetter I can tell you I did not do it out of laziness, I just did not wake up until it was too late, my brother would tell you the same thing.
My dad would line the three girls up a night and he would kiss the other two goodnight, then when he got to me would say "see you, if you wet that bed again tonight I'll smack your arse." Then I'd get a whack before going to bed. He did that for quite a while, he also did the humilating put the mattress on the front porch for neighbours and other kids to see.........to this day I am still angry about that, even though as an adult I do understand that's how things were then, they used to believe kids forget....well I never forgot and I am 59 now I would have been 8 when he started doing this so for 50 years it has stuck in my mind and it is not a nice memory either. Surely in this day and age you must be aware of the physcological damage you are causing and I can assure if they hate you now, they will hate you much more later.
We were raised in a home were mum and dad liked a drink to put it mildy, and I was a very nervous child, all the belting, humilating and yes at the age of 8 making me wash my own sheets, which by the way had to be done in the bathtub as we never had a washing machine until I was around 12 or 13, did not make me stop wetting the bed, in fact, it just made me more nervous, and I worried myself to sleep, I suspect thus wetting the bed because I had lain awake half the night afraid to go to sleep because I might wet the bed.
I did not grow up in an emotionally stable home, and if there is tension between the parents these kids will feel it. I am not trying to critize anyone out of malice here, I just think until you have been through this as a child you cannot possibly know how bad it makes you feel when everyone knows you wet the bed.
I have three children, the oldest wet the bed until she was 6, the other two never wet the bed at all. My reaction to my oldest daughter was to put a bed wetting sheet on the mattress so the mattress was protected, and to go to her room first in the mornings before the other two woke up, if she was wet, and she always was, I would get her under the shower while I stripped the bed and threw the sheets in the wash. I will never know if she was going to be like my brother or myself and wet the bed up until her teens, but I do know this, she at 36 remembers she was a bet wetter (30 years later), and she remembers the one and only morning when her father came past her bedroom as I was sending her to the shower and he screamed at her for wetting the bed, I in no uncertain terms told him, that was no way to deal with it, and later told him never to involve himself in that again if abusing her was the best he could do. My daughter now has a children of her own and it came up about three years ago, and she was so grateful that I had wet the bed and understood her, she does not have bedwetters at this stage but I am sure as a bet wetter herself she won't be humiliating her sons to get them to stop. It won't work.
Again, please do not take this as a personal attack, I know it sounds like I am critizing you guys, but seriously I get the frustration you are going through, I just want to let you know that as a child and as an adult I see the methods you are using at this stage as cruel, I do not mean you personally are a cruel people. Hope things get better.
Oh no. You're post almost put
Oh no. You're post almost put me in tears. My CLs oldest is 10 and is still wetting the bed. I found his soiled pants hidden under his bed the last time. I got him inside to take them out from under the bed - he had to crawl under the bed to get them yet he said they must have got pushed under there by accident- then he put the pants in the laundry shoot and went back outside! totally left the sheets and blanket that still all reeked like pee!! So I tore it all apart and left it on the floor in a pile and left the house to run errands for the afternoon and cool off that this 10 year old is still not only having accidents, but now hiding them. His parents haven't taken him to the doctor and won't because they say he will too "grow out of it"... If he is still doing this when he is 16, then I'm sorry... I won't still be around to see it. I will move out of this house before I let parents leave their child to wet the bed everynight instead of trying other options to help. I've suggested an alarm. I've suggested the doctor. I've suggested diapers. All suggestions are ignored.
I hate issues that come with step kids.
baseballgirly, kids are hard
baseballgirly, kids are hard but my old obgyn, who was problem around 300 years when he delivered my firstborn 36 years ago was years ahead of his time, and I learned a lot from him. He once said your own children make music, other people's make noise. Its true enough what we find cute in our offspring, we find bloody annoying in someone elses.
I have as I said 3 biological children, and when they were much much younger, I fostered children, fostering was challenging at times, but I still coped with the bed wetting issue there, but only because the humiliation is still there, I felt it today reading the earlier posts. That being said, it doesn't mean it's easy especially when these kids get to 9 and 10+ it's not. Who wants to live in a urinal. But I still think you'll kill more flies with honey on this one.
You seem to have made some very reasonable suggestions here and a trip to the doctor is probably in order for this little one, amazes me that his bio parents don't do that for him just to save him the embarrassment of this. This poor kid would probably not being going on sleepovers with friends, how does he cope with school camps, that must be a nightmare for him, or does he just not go. Hiding his underpants is more likely a sign of shame not laziness or defiance if he put them where they should have gone in the laundry basket or sink, then you would have seen them, and trust me I was the kid who was dumb enough at 8 to change my sheets in the middle of the night and put the wet ones in the laundry thinking I was getting away with it. I wasn't trying to get away with it to be defiant but to avoid the shame because I knew mum and dad would have yelled so much that my siblings would all know about it, and I didn't want that. I know this is not your job but for your own sanity if you could find it in you to sit this kid down, and tell him, okay it is what it is, right now you like heaps of other kids your age are wetting the bed and if we leave wet clothing etc., in the room you won't be able to sleep in it after a while because it will get too smelly, so, if you do wet the bed come and tell me, and we can get all the wet washing into the machine right away, that way your room will always stay fresh and clean for you. Thus making it SAFE for him to tell you and to trust you with this shame. This is as I said, not your job, mum and dad should sort this out, but as they are clearly not going to I am suggesting this only for YOUR benefit, yep you in the short term are going to get stuck with the workload, but at least you won't have to put up with the smell.
I am thinking that this bed wetting issue might seem worse when they are stepkids, not because of the bedwetting per say but because bed wetting just adds to all the other drama that goes with stepkids. It must seem like the last straw on top of all the other issues, but if you could keep it in mind that none of this is the kids fault, they have had their lives turned around by adults they have had no say in it, and often the adults are still warring years down the track, then mum or dad gets a new partner and the kids just have to fall into line yet again. But although it doesn't sound like it here, I am on your side, it is awful, and when the parents don't do the right thing by their children, it impacts on you and it's not fair. They at the end of the day are not your kids and I can understand how you must be feeling. I am thinking from your post though, that the only person who seems to really care about this is you, (and of course the boy), and I am hoping that if you can get this kid not to hide the wet things it will be in your own best interest. Am I asking a lot of you - Damn right I am, but I am hoping you will get a lot more out of it.
My step kids are not kids, they came into my life when they were adults and they came in hating my guts and have continued on that way to the point where I have recently told my SD 29 she is no longer welcome here. This Princess Charming wants to see her father and I seperated and then dead, dead alone was not good enough she wanted us to go through the pain of a sepration as her mother had to....charming. Her only reason for coming here was to punish daddy for leaving mummy....this woman has a boyfriend and a brand new baby of her own yet she still has time to hate. So I get it, SK and their issues suck. But my theory on this is that you cannot blame the kids, young or old, I blame the parents, my husband and his former wife brought these children up to be lazy and to have an over inflated sense of entitlement, to be rude and to not even have the very basics of manners ie: Please and Thank you. My own DH refused for 8 years to pull his daughter into line, and to tell her to keep her smart mouth shut, despite me warning him repeatedly that the day would come when I would no longer put up with this. Now he is shocked that I told her not to come back here anymore. I'm shocked he's shocked. It appears that bioogical parents sometimes forget that we see their chidren as people, not as their parents see them...back to my old doctor's saying:
Your own childen make music, other people's make noise.
Your husband should be the one taking responsibility here but if he won't then I hope that my suggestion may bring you a little bit less angst in your life. I do feel sorry for the boy but I feel sorrier for you.
Thank you very very very much
Thank you very very very much for the suggestions... we'll see if I get the chance to do them..
My CL is also a former bedwetter. So we don't ever shame or humilitate SS10 when it happens. In fact, this past occurance when I was the one to find the soiled pants is the one and only time I had any part in the matter. The issue comes in the fact that his parents are taking the "grow out of it" method when to me, it is clearly not working. I want them to take him to a doctor... but since my CL went through it when he was a kid and seeing doctors didn't do anything for him, he seems to think he has all the answers. Never mind that 30 years has passed and medical science has evolved.... but I can only say so much before it's an arguement and then a full blown war with the "what do you know about kids" coming out again.
I do care for the embarassement this child is suffering. I'm not saying his parents don't care... but they are certainly not addressing the issue. At all. Although bedwetting like you say is just another lump on the pile so to speak. There are other things these parents aren't addressing. Poor reading skills that now require a special class each day is one of them. As much as I love CL, his parenting skills are what is making me think about leaving the most. Don't get me wrong... I still don't like having the Skids around. But since I can't stop them from coming, I certainly want what is best for them. Hiring a tutor and taking him to the doctor would be the top two things on my list! The younger one lucked out with no bedwetting or reading problems. He is also noticeably favored... hmmmmm... coincidence??? I have no idea about kids and/or their psychological behavior, but sometimes I wonder if SS10 is depressed and that may play a part in the bedwetting. Try telling that to either parent!!! HA!!!! Let me list my reasoning for thinking that way...
He is overweight
He sleeps HEAVY
He wears cokebottle glasses and an eye patch for a lazy eye
He stutters with "Ummm" a lot
He has curly red hair and freckles
He wets the bed
He overeats at most meals
He watches TV any chance he can get
He is quiet and reserved
His reading level is 2 years behind in his grade
Now most of these will be accurate of all kids his age. But.. most kids his age are not wetting the bed. I mention the physical aspects as reasons for depression because they are things he really doesn't like about himself. I'm not sure if he gets teased or not... but if he doesn't like them, it's for a reason.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't mention any of this to CL because he gets defensive and says he also has no control because he isn't the primary parent. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't he the FATHER!??!!? And paying his fair share of child support to boot!!! So if he mentions a doctor or a tutor, I'm sure he can make his Ex listen if he really wanted to. I honestly believe he is taking the easy way out with most parenting issues just because he only has them every second weekend. That's not fair to anyone. Me, Skids, his Ex, the teachers.... Himself!!
I really need to learn to ignore it all. I seriously can't change any of it. He won't listen. He gets defensive and hurt. He takes everything I say as an attack against his parenting (or lack thereof).
Disengage. Disengage. Disengage.
Yep. Disengage. I've heard
Yep. Disengage. I've heard this too. I"m not the primary parent so what can I do?? Its like all feelings of parental power go out the window or something. I don't get it either.
Baseballgirly, this is of
Baseballgirly, this is of litte use to you I know, but for what it is worth, I think you are pretty amazing and I think you know exactly what to do with this child, and I thought that from hour first post. Your second post only confirms what I already thought.
You know what is right here, the problem you have is that his parents seem either lazy or clueless, but whichever it is the fallout is landing on you and your home this is not only not fair,but it is not right.
If you think this child is suffering from some kind of depression or anxiety, then I suspect you are probably right, but you are between a rock and a hard place if his parents arent' going to accept it.
However, as I said, I think you have your act together, and you certainly sound to me as though you are fully aware of this child's needs. I don't know what to say if both parents won't even take him to a doctor, poor kid. I sincerely wish you all the best. I think from reading your posts you are damn good at being a mum, your husband may feel a bit threatened he may feel you are actually the better parent and doesn't like it. Don't know. I also don't know how you disengage from a 10 year old. It sounds very much to me like you make good decisions, and have a great insight to kids, so maybe just go with your gut on this.
By the way we have all heard horror stories of bio parents doing no end of physical and mental damage to their offspring (some of us are living with bio parents like that at the moment) so, as much as your husband would not want to hear this.....Giving birth or fathering a child does not automatically make you a good parent. Good luck I wish you all the very best.
Has anyone ordered an MRI on
Has anyone ordered an MRI on these kids? I would think at this age if they truly are having problems you may want to look for spina bifida occulta?
We have done everything
We have done everything medical that can be done, it is her laziness and she is just a nasty and disgusting child like her BM. About to give up!!!!!!
Quick thing to add on this...
Quick thing to add on this... my best friend from childhood wet her pants and bed on a daily basis. She would just wait too long. Turns out, when she was 4 years old, she was raped by her cousin who was in his 20's at a family reunion in her own bathroom at her house. Turns out that she was so damaged by that it made her too afraid to go to the bathroom at her house. It took her 10 years to get over that fear. Sometimes children may wet the bed for other reasons besides for lazyness.
We are having the same
We are having the same problem with my SS13 wetting the bed. The thing is it appears that he only wets the bed at our house?? I think he is just a heavy sleeper, but if this is the case, wouldn't he do it both places??
Is it possible he is feeling
Is it possible he is feeling stressed at your place. Maybe feeling guilty about leaving BM or something. It's really hard for these kids they have divided loyalties, The younger ones don't know how to verbalise their feelings, and the adult ones have far to much to say
SD wets bed at BM also, but
SD wets bed at BM also, but BM lets her wear DIAPER!
Thanks Ladies, but as I said
Thanks Ladies, but as I said we know the problem, and measures have been taken, but when does the child begin to take some responsibility for their own life? Quick update, day 3 she finally took bedding to laundry room and wash it but still hasn't taken a bath, dowsed herself with perfume instead and went to school. It makes me physically ill and now me and SO are not speaking.
gross. what is she going to
gross. what is she going to be like when she has a period?????
And at some point she has to get an infection or something. When she does, I hope your DH plans to take her to the doctor.
I know exactly what you are
I know exactly what you are going through cat...I do!! My SD7 could care less that she still wets the bed or if her friends find out. If you would like to vent, please feel free to message me anytime. I know how difficult and frustrating it can be, especially as they get older. I hate it when everyone tells me oh, she will grow out of it...she is only 7! If I had a dime for everytime I heard that, I would be sitting on a beach in Hawaii right now!
Katie
Yeah, I have already said 100
Yeah, I have already said 100 times on this blog that we have taken the child to the doctor and he said she doesn't wake herself up in time and then because she's lazy she just finishes peeing on the pad and goes to sleep. One time she got up to go to school, she stood at the closet and peed on purpose on the floor (Thank goodness we don't have carpet and she did clean it up) so she would not have to rush downstairs. This is the child"s fault and not a medical condition.
My son just stopped wetting
My son just stopped wetting the bed earlier this year. He'll turn 12 this month.
We never shamed him
His pediatrician told us that he was more worried about our DS's quality of sleep than his inability to stay dry through the night, so I stopped fretting so much and concentrated more on protecting our children's sleep.
I did worry that he would feel badly about himself, especially with sleepovers at friend's homes or going over to his dad's house but he never did. He even told his friends that he had this problem. DS has a great deal of self-confidence - much more than I did as a child. He wanted to stop too, but just didn't know how.
We used an alarm system, which helped a great deal. We also worked with him, setting his clock alarm for certain times during the night (we knew it was a particular time of night that his bladder was relieving itself), and we got him up to use the toilet.
Now, he's been dry at night for about nine months and he's very proud of himself.
It takes a lot of work and patience. It also means not belittling the child.
If what you're doing isn't working, have you considered that maybe doing the opposite might?
JMHO.
All my kids, and ss13, have
All my kids, and ss13, have had bedwetting issues-and I had bedwetting issues myself up until about 11 or so I definitely understand the situation.
My 9 year old dd wets teh bed a few times a week, my ds12 wets teh bed a few times a month, and my ss13 wets teh bed nightly. All the kids have been on meds for it-my dd and ds did well on meds and it was successful however, I took them off of them as I felt like it prevented them from learning what they need to do to help control their bladder. For the most part if they limit their fluids, make sure they potty before bed, dont drink caffeine, and dont make massive changes in their nighttime schedules they do ok-the few times a month my son slips up are because he forgets to mind one of the "rules" that help him stay dry.
My ss13 refuses to do anything to help himself stay dry. He will not follow any of the above guidelines. He tells me he has no control over it so why bother? I also get frustrated because he will not clean up after himself. My two children put their bedding in the laundry. My son starts his own laundry sometimes. They both use plastic sheets. My son will immediately shower after an accident-if he wakes up at 3am in the morning wet then he will get in the shower right then.
My ss13 will wet himself nightly and then not shower for a week. I have to force him to put the plastic sheet on the futon and then when I go down to bed he will take it off. I have to ask him repeatedly to please put his wet things in the laundry-he will eventually do so but typically gets angry at me for asking and will yell at me or mock me.
I dont think kids should be shamed for bedwetting. I know I certainly couldnt help it-I used to pray at night to not wet myself. I finally just grew out of it on my own. My parents never said anything to make me feel bad. All of us develop at different rates. I dont think it is a laziness issue at all. Not with any kids. Not even with my ss. I think him not taking care of things is lazy. But the actual act of peeing on himself is not him being lazy. Him not wanting to try anything to help stay dry could be laziness, but again the actual bedwetting is not lazy behavior. Peeing on yourself and wakign up wet-is not a comfortable feeling people. It's not like you are so lazy so you just pee yourself and then comfortably lay in a puddle of urine. And just love that feeling so much you are too lazy to get up and take care of it? I think shaming the kid for the behavior will ultimately make it last longer.
Well said hismineandours.
Well said hismineandours.
I don't think kids should be
I don't think kids should be shamed either if it is an actually medical condition, but if it's just you being lazy and nasty, then your fair game.