Stepmom - we were different I guess. My SS's BM at first didn't like me. Made comments about how young I was, etc. Turns out she's only 2.5 years older than I am.

At any rate, becasue I was with a man with kids and come from (not broken but SHATTERED) home life - I made it a point to prove to SS that we were ALL his family. So i did go to all the events at her house. Granted, she was married and had 2 more kids with her current husband at the time.

After some awkwardness - she did warm to me and I to her. We became friends. So much so that when my marriage to the man who is now BOTH of our ex, I called adn spoke to her so she could explain to SS.

If the kids want it - as a parent I say you should do it. If the kids wants all his parents there - then unless there is serious bad blood between you all - then go. If there isn't, and you're just saying no go because it's HIS family and OUR family - that's not the healthiest way to look at it for the kids sake.

Remember - he's the only one with no choice in the matter.

you should probably just explain to the SKs that you guys prefer if moms house is kept separate from dads house. That it has nothing to do with who likes who or anything liek that but because you dont want to interrupt their special time with mom and the same should be true for dad's special time. Good luck!

I will never understand this idea. Never in a million years would I be caught dead at a gathering where BM or ANY of her family members would be. We do absolutely everything separate and that will NEVER change!!! Unless of course it is SD's wedding day but I honestly don't see any other occasion when it would be necessary for us all to be in one room together.

I agree with ripley, that BM holding an adult conversation on speaker phone in the company of her son was a really poor & irresponsible choice.

They invited. You declined. That's that...or it should be.

As for her reply to the "it takes years" comment being "to point out that her wonderful boyfriend is not insecure about hanging out with us, whereas, we on the other hand, always turn down her invitation to do things with her because we are so insecure. She just doesn't get it."

No, I'm certain she gets it. What would her bf have to be insecure about??? He's got a woman & he gets the bulk of the time with the kids.

Of course your DH is jealous of the time another man gets to be a father figure to his children. What dad wouldn't be?

Let the families enjoy the children separately. The kids will adapt.

I wouldn't do it. Why should you? Doesn't this whole "one family" thing fly in the face of what most psychologists and therapists recommend?

The kids have to realize that mom and dad are not together anymore, and that divorce means you do things seperately. Not the major things, hopefully everyone can get along for that-
but monthly dinners? If your husband wanted to eat dinner with his ex every month, he might as well have stayed married.

I know my situation with my ex and my sons step mom is out of the norm. But When I left my EX 10 years ago we were really only together for 2 years. He started seeing SM and yes I was jealous that another women was in my sons life but really it was enevidible. My ex and I got along alright pretty soon after splitting anyways. My son was very difficult between the ages of 2-5 just hyperactive a bit more then typical. So we had constant communication between us just about keeping eachother up to speed on weekends and such. Not everyday and no small talk about the weather on both parts. So She's been in the picture for a long time. And actually We get along great, we do probably text eachother everyother day or so when were having difficulties with my son. I do talk to her about other things then my son just in the last couple years.
We do things all together but more sports type things. Tournaments and such. I get along great with her parents and my ex's. She's even hosted a party for my business. We do dinners all together but theres always a reason. More like a family meeting type thing but do dinner to make it easier on my son rather then him thinking were there to bombard him. He's not a bad kid by any means we just want to show him that this is not one of those 2 families that he can manipulate eachother at both houses (you know the at dads I can do this etc) He knows were all on the same page and that we will stand behind eachother. WE're a united front.
I really apreciate my SM, I work 10 hours a day and she works less. when SM was on mat leave, I would bring him in the mornings before school while I'm at work, she'd make lunchs feed him breaky and after school would make sure his homework was done so that when I picked him up we didn't have to worry about that. She runs a talley each month (sports, child care, pizza day, etc) and emails me the break down and I pay half. Easier then both paying for the same thing or thinking one paid and not. We have shared and equal, no one pays CS, we just split everything. My BF even has invited them after get settled in from moving there, he's invited them for dinner so they can see where my son will be living.
I know our situation is definitly a minority. But I still deal with my divorced parents and they divorced when I was 2 and I'm 29 now and they still do the well your dad or mom blah blah get over it. I don't care what resentment you have between eachother. I didn't want my son to go through what I did.
Not sure if that helps, but I really feel if you can get along for the skids/kids then it really is the best. Just shows too that they can't play the divorced game. Just a thought.

stepmom31, This is a tricky situation. I think you need to do whatever you and your DH feel is right for You. It sounds like your SS is still young- and wants to have everyone he loves become "friends". He might not understand the big picture and the circumstances surrounding these complicated adult relationships. It sounds like your SD is a bit older- and maybe understands this would be an awkward situation.

Although I am dealing with Adult Skids, I have had to deal with my own awkward situation. I used to be friends with my BF's ex. We graduated College together- worked in the same department for 10 years- and spent time together outside of work. She is the one who left my BF- left him and moved in with a coke head loser with no job, no car, and no life. She actually told her husband to ask me out on a date- but she never anticipated we would end up together; I think she just wanted him distracted so he would leave her alone.

As months went on and me and my bf stayed together- she fled state. Up to that point, we actually did go out on dates with her and her coke head loser bf. It was surely a situation that turned heads. Once she left state-she turned on me like I was the most evil person alive. Her anger, jealousy and hatred was finally apparent. ( I even helped my co-workers with a good-bye party. She acted like I was celebrating her leaving- when I was just doing what I Thought I should do)

IT's been over 3 years since she's left state. Her coke head bf skipped town on her in 2009 when she changed jobs and no longer benefited from " free housing" that was part of her travel contract. When they had to start paying their own rent- he realized his meal ticket wasn't as sweet as it was before. She immediately started begging my BF for forgiveness and gave him the sob story how she made a mistake. By this time me and bf had been together over 2 years!

It's been extremely tense situation when she comes to town. The 3 adult SKIDS always want them to get together for FAMILY DINNERS (which my bf always pays for!). When she comes to town, it's as if he has to appease her and the girls by hanging out with them. Last August SD25 had her first baby- which brought the whole family together- Except ME. I wasn't allowed ( by some unspoken rule) to see SD25 or the baby. But once the EX left- I snuck into to see them. I always feel left out when she's in town.

My first challenging moment came at Grand baby's first bday party in August. SD25 invited both of us of course, but I kept feeling there was some Unspoken rule that I wasn't supposed to show up. The ex and her parents came to town for this. My bf insisted I come. This would be the first time me and the EX had to be in the same room in over 3 years ( since her dtr's grad party in 08). So much had transpired since then and I knew she spewed venom anytime my name even came up so I didn't want to ruin the baby's party. MY BF Insisted and I finally decided to go. After a few mixed drinks- I wasn't bothered by her one bit. We even stood next to eachother- and actually talked- not directly but indirectly. It was still a stressful moment because I feel everyone was just being "good" for the sake of the baby. The minute the party was over, I am sure she was talking smack about me all over again.

So, I am not sure how I would handle anything other than these "major" events. I could not see us going out to dinner "as a family" when I am purposely excluded already. I think the adult SKIDS enjoy seeing their parents together- and for a moment- believing everything is okay. The youngest skid, sd21, is probably the most understanding about me and her dad. She has spend time with us when she comes home from college to see how happy we really are. The other two- are somewhat in denial and would love to see their parents get back together.

Every situation is different and I also agree that I could not spend any Personal time with the EX. If it' a public function- maybe not so bad. But getting the youngest ss to understand why you guys can't be "friends" will be the most challenging.

I totally agree with this.

+++++++++++++++++++
I am surprised to see you feel this way. You were against the SM/GF being at school meetings, but think they should all hang out as a family? I don't understand the difference here.

I dont' thing the SM/GF should be at the school meeting either (unless she is custodial) and I certainly don't think that these "dinners" are a good idea.

These people are divorced, why on earth, should they be forced to hang out with the ex's? They should have never divorced in the first place. Way to screw a kid up more. Divorce, then act, not divorced....

BMS is totally trying to make you the bad guys - when she is the one abusing her own child by involving him in adult conversations.

Ss will be ok, this is purely a manipulation by the Bm.!!!!

These family dinners and "civil get togethers" confuse children. After a few dinners the kid will begin to wonder why mom and dad can't get back together again & conclude you and the boyfriend are what is standing in the way. Then god help you all...

I also think that holding a sensitive conversation on speakerphone in front of the chldren was at best naive and at worst calculated to put DH in the wrong. It is a great shame that SS was upset by what he heard.

Avoiding monthly dinners is perfectly understandable, but in all honesty if relations are civil with BM and her BF I think you and DH should try to overcome your reluctance and attend special occasions like birthday parties, even if they are at BM's house. Turning up once or twice a year for a few hours is a long way from creating an artifical 'one big happy family' falsehood, and the benefit to the children of having both their parents there for their special days would probably outweigh a few hours discomfort on your part.

There is no way no how I will ever have a dinner with bm! I agree she put it on speaker phone to make your dh look like the bad guy. I'm sure she had a huge idea his answer would be no.

There is never a good reason to have monthly dinner with the exes, your are exes for a reason and just b/c you have kids doesn't mean you have to pretend. If the you wouldn't have dinner with them if there were no kids then why do it b/c there are kids in fact that is more of a reason not to. Why b/c it will only confuse them and hurt them and they wil not be able to move on like they should, it is very unhealthy for them so the best for the kids is to not do it.

I think it depends on the people involved. I really tried hard at first to incorporate BM in our lives but when she stole clothes I had just bought for skids while here to discuss my ss getting in trouble at school I quit. I see it work for other families and think it would be great for my oldest ss12 because he is severely handicapped and continuity for him would be ideal. We attend IEP meetings together and she doesn't even speak in those so she never would if we tried to build a similar thing between the homes. Last st Patrick's day she pulled up in front of the house to drop something off and the my stepsons, my bio son and my oldest stepsons nurse were all out on a walk. My youngest stepson saw her and started chasing the car and she ignored him. Just a few weeks ago she stopped to drop something off when ss12 was getting of the bus and she handed the stuff to the nurse and didn't even say hello to her son? Yesterday in our IEP meeting when the school brought up that he needs to greet people she said he doesn't have too... The principal went off on her and said she fears for him because if something bad happens that his lack of communication will keep him from being able to express it!

The only family I know where the exes have dinner with each other on a regular basis is my brother, who had 3 children with his 1st wife, all now grown up and in their 30s. It worked OK but there were still simmering tensions under the surface, and I think this is one of the main considerations, you will never be "one big happy family", it will only be putting on a good face for the sake of SS. If he knows that you will try to co-operate with the ex and her BF and get on but you will not be socialising with them, he will accept this more as he gets older and has a greater understanding of the issues.
It would be a disaster if you tried this idea and it backfired in a major way and you ended up hating each other a lot worse than you do now. Given the underlying feelings there is a chance this could happen. I think its better for SS in the long run if you conduct a civil relationship at arms length.