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Help with disengagement from skids

FrustratedAng's picture

Submitted by FrustratedAng on Mon, 10/03/2011 - 12:15pm

I have two skids, SS10 and SD16. I have nothing against SS, he irritates me, but he is nice kid and does what he's told. SD is another story. She and I have had it out a few times and the result is us totally ignoring each other. I do nothing for SD and in consequence nothing for SS. But I feel bad for SS, like he is getting the short end of the stick because of my relationship with SD. We have skids this weekend and it was suggested that we carve pumpkins as something fun to do. But the thought of doing anything nice for SD makes me so angry, that I’d rather do nothing. I know I should just suck it up and do this for DH and SS, but do I have to include SD? I’m mad just thinking about including her and spending money on a pumpkin for her. I even suggested to DH that maybe she would have more fun staying at a friend’s house on Saturday instead of with us (so we could carve pumpkins without her).

Anyway, is it possible to totally disengage from one skid but still try to be friendly to another?

Comments

truebloodfreak's picture

Submitted by truebloodfreak on Mon, 10/03/2011 - 12:30pm

SD16 is older and probably doesn't want to be involved with stuff you would do for SS just because she's a teenager. I would take that to my advantage. She also doesn't need assistance with cooking or cleaning etc. She's old.enough that she doesn't need a caretaker. If you only see them.on weekends of should be fairly simple to disengage from your SD. She probably has plans with friends. Good luck!

mns67's picture

Submitted by mns67 on Mon, 10/03/2011 - 12:32pm

omg this is how my wife acts toward my children and they never had it out mine are shy keep to themselves. Disengaging from step kids is going to harm your relationship with your hubby.

I do also feel like doing nothing nice for my step daughter when she smarts off to me..

Please take the high road suck it up. I do for step daughter

my kids are only 9 and 12 so my situation is diferent but your going to hurt your husband if you do that do you have kids living with you?

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Mon, 10/03/2011 - 12:34pm

I have had a broadly similar problem, where I really dislike my SD14, who is a vile spoiled brat, but SD16 is at least civil and polite to me, and I don't dislike her. However, I disengaged from both 8 years ago, because it was just too difficult to maintain a relationship with one and not the other. I still have conversation with SD16, not that much, but some. I feel a lot more warmly towards her than her sister, but don't do things with either of them - leave that all to DH.
As you only have them EOW, like us, it should not be impossible to maintain some sort of relationship with SS10, and not his sister, especially as he is more of a child still, and she is a young woman and probably off doing her own thing if she is anything like mine.

mns67's picture

Submitted by mns67 on Mon, 10/03/2011 - 12:50pm

No guilt trip intended just my point of view as a divorced dad. But my kids are younger and I do agree that 16 year old would not care but to me it’s wrong to exclude step kids and it’s also divisive. What if the divorced Dad did the same to her kids how would she feel?
My wife disengaged a long time ago just because my kids are there taking up space every other weekend.

FrustratedAng's picture

Submitted by FrustratedAng on Mon, 10/03/2011 - 1:13pm

Just a thought for you, try listening to your wife about her feelings towards your kids. Actually listen, don't get defensive.
I feel that skids are just taking up space in our house every other weekend and sucking a huge chunk of his paycheck every month. And I would be totally okay with never seeing either of them again. But, my DH is open to my feelings about skids and doesn't pressure us into a "happy blended family". He realizes that skids are his responsibility alone, not mine.
As I pointed out to DH when he jokingly called me a stepmother (a term I loathe) I reminded him that just because he had kids with someone else it in no way makes me a mother.

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Mon, 10/03/2011 - 12:50pm

Re: the comments on disengaging made by several contributors above - I haven't found that it has harmed my relationship with my DH at all. I disengaged 8 years ago - we got married 2 years ago, and our relationship is just fine. He acknowledges his daughters are hard work which I know is quite unusual, but I am pleased that he can see my side as well as loving them with all their (many) faults! Disengaging is a coping strategy, but it has worked out OK in our case.

FrustratedAng's picture

Submitted by FrustratedAng on Mon, 10/03/2011 - 1:08pm

I realize at 16 we shouldn't be responsible for entertaining her anymore but the problem is that we live 45 minutes away from BM. So when they come for the weekend, they are just with us. They don't have friends in our area. And yes, iwlass, they are joined at the hip! lol. They are actually creepy close, even DH sees it and tries to make them do things alone.

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Mon, 10/03/2011 - 1:24pm

I am able to. I am in a similar situation. I have an SS12 who I get along with and an SD15 who I have gone through ignoring, helping, and flat out telling her where she stands. Their BM lives an hour away. SD has no friends in our area (ss finds people everywhere, great personality) so yes we are stuck with SD the whole time. Since I don't like any of her friends, she can't bring any to my house.

I'm right now at mainly ignoring sprinkled with some small interactions to keep things running smoothly. I HAVE flat out ignored and not acknowledged her presence completely when she had a major attitude problem. I did not do this to SS in the meantime.

What I do now is keep my interactions "guest friendly". SO has an annoying guest over. They really arent' yours to host, so you don't have to do much except say hi, bye, oh you need something..no.. great.

This is how I now treat SD. She is going back to her attitude phase, so I have to go back to my ignore phase. I do not change my interactions with SS. He and I joke and talk. I don't use my money for things for either skid though. I don't cook or do any extras. Dad's responsibility to provide food and entertainment, not mine.

We decorated for halloween this weekend, at first SD wasn't doing anything. Yay me! Well she came out and helped. I just didn't pay attention to her. I did my thing with SS and SO.

My suggestion to you for this predicament
- Have DH or both of you tell them what your plans are and if they want to do a pumpkin carving
- ask your DH to get some pumpkins for you all (or at least give you money).
- I honestly don't think you'd rather do nothing. You'd rather have fun with SS and husband and Sd go away. this is me every other weekend. Plus i love this kind of thing, so yes I'd want to do it. Just do it enjoy your time with SS and DH and let DH help her. OR if DH is going to get involved, then just do your thing and leave her to her own devices.

Yeah, you are supposed to take the high road, suck it up blah blah blah. I tell those people they can hang out with my spoiled brat SD then. I have better things to do. These future adults need to learn that you can't treat people however you want and expect them to still kiss your ass.

this is my fav time, halloween and pumpkins. Enjoy it your way!!!