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Regular dinners with BM, her bf and stepkids as a WHOLE family - does anyone do this?

stepmom31's picture

Submitted by stepmom31 on Fri, 09/30/2011 - 9:49am

Does anyone do this kind of family dinner on a regular basis??? BM says that the kids say that they never get to do anything with their family together as a WHOLE. They want to go out to dinner once a month - to include BM and her boyfriend, SD, SS, DH and me and our kids.

My entire body is screaming "Nooooooo," but I am trying to stay calm and hope to calmly convey to my husband that I have no intention of participating in such an event regularly.

We recently were at an event for the kids and BM was there too, but we were not at the same table and we didn't 'hang out' together or interact too much with BM. The kids went back and forth between the 2 tables.

Here's why I don't want to do it:

1. I can see DH offering to pay for everyone's dinner because he feels obligated, even though we are on a strict budget and barely even treat ourselves out for dinner.
That will drive me nuts, and I feel I will resent him for it. Even if we do split the bill accordingly, who pays for the stepkids? Again, DH will feel obligated because, as they like to say to rub it in, he never takes them out to eat anymore. Maybe BM should pay for one and DH for the other? Sounds good theoretically, but "theoretically" never happens.

2. I can see BM asking all sorts of intrusive questions (because she is nosy and pushy like that) and me being unable to decline to answer because the kids are there looking at me. This is a major reason why I usually have nothing to say to her.

3. I don't know how I would deal with something like this if it comes up: BM telling DH that he should have the steak because it's really good and she knows that's exactly what he likes, with kids chiming in, "Yeah dad, you should have the steak, like you used to do when we came to X restaurant when we were living in our big house in X."

4. If this is a regular event, my babies would grow up knowing BM better than they know my own family, who live in a differenty country and see them twice a year only. The thought of this makes VERY, VERY sad. It makes me feel like sending DH by himself if he wants to have dinner with his ex and their kids, and taking my kids to visit some of my extended family who live nearby.

Anyway, it hasn't happened yet, it's just a request from BM and the kids. I hope it doesn't happen. But if you have any experiences of being in this kind of situation or any ideas for coping with this situation, PLEASE SHARE.

Comments

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Fri, 09/30/2011 - 9:53am

You and DH and BM and her BF ARE NOT A FAMILY! So why put on a phony front to skids to portray this? This is ridiculous on so many levels.

the_stepmonster's picture

Submitted by the_stepmonster on Fri, 09/30/2011 - 9:57am

Seriously?! Wow. I don't think this is a good idea at all. I think the skids need to realize that "although mommy and daddy love them very much, they are not one big happy family." I'm sorry, but this is just strange to me. Maybe you have a great relationship with BM but I would not be having this.

Plus I dont think its a great idea to send DH alone either. It gives his kids an unfair idea that mommy and daddy are together again. How long have your DH and BM been divorced?

Lastly, children should not be running the house and calling the shots. What's next? "Daddy, we want to go on a vacation with the whole family." "Daddy, we want to live together as a whole family." Also, if you haven't heard it straight from the horse's mouth, I wouldn't trust BM as far as I could throw her.

stepfamilyfriend's picture

Submitted by stepfamilyfriend on Fri, 09/30/2011 - 10:02am

That is honestly a bit much, ok a whole lot much. The only times we've had dinners together, meaning BM and her SO ( sometimes with his kids) and us, has been for some of SD18's birthdays and graduation. Maybe 6 times total. It's a little awkward, but not bad. DH won't go if I am not available to go for some reason- his choice. We've done it for SD, and she sits kind of in the middle between the two families. That is about as much as DH can handle, partly because he's not a very social person. BM and I are ok with it, but I think she'd have had them more regularly if it was up to her.
Once a month is too much and I don't know what message she wants to send the kids. If it is that things are ok and they have both parents involved in their lives, that could be shown on a daily basis by avoiding PAS, badmouthing and having a general atmosphere of cooperation.

BSgoinon's picture

Submitted by BSgoinon on Fri, 09/30/2011 - 10:17am

OK seriously.... it is not "ONE BUG HAPPY FAMILY". There are two SEPARATE families that the skids happen to be a part of BOTH. I don't understand what illusion these woman are under that makes them believe "we are all family". No we are not.

I wouldn't do it. Special occassions MAYBE. We do have breakfast once a year with BM on MOTHERS DAY, it is awkward, and I only do it because SS really wants to see me on Mothers Day and this is the only way BM agrees to it.

dragonfly5's picture

Submitted by dragonfly5 on Fri, 09/30/2011 - 10:43am

Crazo and that piece of crap doormat husband of hers is not my family. I wouldn't even think about it.

Also I don't think it is good for the kids to see the one big happy family "act". It sends them mixed messages. We all know that most skids wish their parents were back together.

stormabruin's picture

Submitted by stormabruin on Fri, 09/30/2011 - 11:21am

Your DH needs to talk to his kids about this mindset. How old are his kids? Maybe it would help to explain that they get to have regular dinners with TWO whole families. When they're with her they get to eat with HER whole family & when they're with you they get to eat with YOUR whole family. Maybe that would help them see that two homes = two families, & they get to be part of ALL of it.

B22S22's picture

Submitted by B22S22 on Fri, 09/30/2011 - 11:21am

Ditto what AA said. OHN.

I already have enough problems listening to my SK's talk about "remember when you and mom used to bring us here?" no matter where we go out to eat in this city. They were TWO years old, when their parents divorced for god's sakes -- a decade ++ ago.

And I couldn't imagine having to sit at a table with them. I don't engage BM in conversation, why in the WORLD would I want to "break bread" with her?

ick. just ick.

JMC's picture

Submitted by JMC on Fri, 09/30/2011 - 11:34am

OMG!! Never in this lifetime would I sit down with the SM & Skids! Ugh!! The very thought gives me ulcers. :sick: Seriously, what other STalkers have said - you are NOT one big happy family; there's a reason that daddy dear and SM are no longer together. If DH goes by himself, that's a whole new can of worms and I wouldn't want to go there either.

helena_brass's picture

Submitted by helena_brass on Fri, 09/30/2011 - 11:53am

Just the thought makes me totally nuts. I hope your DH isn't seriously entertaining the idea. No way.

As everyone pointed out, you are NOT one big happy family. They need to deal with it. Tough cookie. The adults should not be catering to the kids' fantasy.

Lauren1438's picture

Submitted by Lauren1438 on Fri, 09/30/2011 - 12:28pm

Don't do it! my FDH roped me into a Double date with BM and her BF it was awful. Granted the girls weren't there but I think it would have only been worse if they were.

I had to explain to my FDH that I would never do anything like that again. I can be kind to her in public for the KIDS but there will never be a relationship were the whole family gets together. It doesn't work that way. For MAJOR events like the kids wedding or something like that I can understand putting aside differences and putting up with being in the same room with her but I will never volunteer to spend time with her. There is a difference in being Civil to her and being Friendly and I will never be Friendly not after everything she has done to us and to the girls.

anyha's picture

Submitted by anyha on Fri, 09/30/2011 - 12:50pm

If it was a holiday or something... maybe a pre-christmas dinner something once a year then it might be nice for the kids. But, monthly? That's really pushing it.

Why put everyone in a situation that's going to be awkward and uncomfortable. At least she had the intention of having everyone there though. (her bf and you) cause my bm seems to think they should do a family activity once a week or once a month just the 3 of them. (without me)

It's just asking for trouble. The more you're around each other the more likely things are going to come up that will cause conflict. Make a compromise. If she suggests it, instead of outright say no, never ever ever. Suggest something less invasive and often, like.. once a year. Then you're taking the kids request into consideration but once a year is much more manageable. Anyone can sit through something just once a year without pulling their hair out.

Auteur's picture

Submitted by Auteur on Fri, 09/30/2011 - 1:01pm

In the early years, the Behemoth wanted to have "family dinners" just like back in the old days before GG and the Behemoth split up. I kid you not. She "invited" him to Monday night dinners with her (the BM) GG (biodad) and the skids (of course not me as I was referred to as "that whore.")

In my doormat days I let GG do it. He was very uncomfortable and ended up in an argument over there. I tried to tell him that it gives the skids a wrong impression that mommy and daddy are going to get back together again and it prolonged the agony.

Eventually he saw the light. If I had to do it all over again (which, of course, I wouldn't) I would have put my foot down from the get go.

twopines's picture

Submitted by twopines on Fri, 09/30/2011 - 1:06pm

Dear gawd, if my DH's ex wanted to have family dinners, she would have stayed married to him. I hope your DH doesn't agree to this! Yeesh.

dragonfly5's picture

Submitted by dragonfly5 on Fri, 09/30/2011 - 2:01pm

Of Course! But you and I would not have to tell our men no way our men despise their ex's and wouldn't even dream of it.

No flaming here!

MoreWorkThanPlanned's picture

Submitted by MoreWorkThanPlanned on Fri, 09/30/2011 - 1:44pm

No way. You did not marry this woman. You are stuck with his kids but unless you are part of some polygamist cult, having dinner with BM on a monthly basis is not normal. I agree this not healthy for kids and creates and sets everyone up for problems in future. Bad, bad, bad idea. Have your husband sit down with his kids and explain what divorce means and that, while he will always love them and treat their mother with respect, he and their mother are divorced and can't have this type of relationship. If your husband actually wants this, then I don't know what to tell you . . .

hismineandours's picture

Submitted by hismineandours on Fri, 09/30/2011 - 2:28pm

GAG. No way in heck would I ever do this-I would never subject my kids to something like that either. I dont even hate bm. I just have nothing to say to her and she's not my kind of person. And she can be a royal bitch when she feels like it.

simifan's picture

Submitted by simifan on Fri, 09/30/2011 - 2:53pm

Ummm, no. should have thought of this before she got divorced. Tell your DH you are uncomfortable with this & he should nix it.

Auteur's picture

Submitted by Auteur on Fri, 09/30/2011 - 3:24pm

The Behemoth thought that GG would come crawling back on his knees. And frankly, I made it "too good" for GG. Sometimes I desparately wish that he WOULD go crawling back to the Behemoth on his knees and have TOLD HIM SO!! :evil:

Bojangles's picture

Submitted by Bojangles on Fri, 09/30/2011 - 3:48pm

"BM says that the kids say that they never get to do anything with their family together as a WHOLE".
That's because their family is not whole, the reality is that it is now 2 halves. All being well the 2 halves can co-exist in an amicable way, and come together for important events: birthdays/graduations etc, but a monthly dinner is an attempt to keep their parents in closer proximity than is normal or necessary in a divorced family.

I have attended meals with BM for the childrens birthdays when they were younger, including visiting her house for their parties, and larger extended family meals out for the younger 2 children's confirmations, and eldest SD's graduation. They were all awkward and uncomfortable, BM and I dislike each other intensely (although the children don't really know how I feel about her), I am on edge when she is around waiting for her to do something attention seeking or rude, DH does not behave normally as he is in fight or flight mode the whole time, and she has been known to make inappropriate comments to DH when I am out of earshot suggesting they should still be together. Now the children are older and are not so sensitive about having their parents together for birthdays I almost never see BM, apart from the odd exchange on the doorstep during child handover. The graduation ceremonies for the remaining children are probably the only times we will be called upon to socialise together. This is not an ideal situation and if there was not such a history between us all it would be better if things were more amicable and there was more communication regarding the children, but even that would not require happy families meals out.

I agree with stepfamilyfriend, the priority is to demonstrate that things are ok and they have both parents involved in their lives, and that could be shown on a daily basis by a bit of civil chit chat, avoiding badmouthing, and having a general atmosphere of cooperation. Your husband needs to sit down with them and gently reiterate why he and their mother are not together, reassure them that he and his ex will always have their best interests at heart and will always come together for important events, but that a monthly meal would be expensive and inappropriate.

newbiemommy's picture

Submitted by newbiemommy on Fri, 09/30/2011 - 5:10pm

A BIG HELL NO!!! Sorry, but that's not really reality on how things work with families like this. IMO especially your kids have NO reason in knowing BM & co. This just screams manipulation to me. Sorry BM, we aren't taking you out to diner and letting you get in MY and my kids lives. Sorry skids, I know it hurts but this is not reality. Both families love you and are here for you but not for each other.