This is just my opinion...

I don't think the act commands physical violence, but no matter how much you love your skids, somethings like getting their hair cut and ears pierced should be decided together by their parents...only...

I wouldn't allow my DH to have a conversation with ME regarding those issues...I'd refer him to SD's mom...100%...and even if it was something DH decided alone, I'd always ask him if this was a decision between him and BM...and I'm not saying that because ours is a great relationship with BM...FAAARRRRR from it...but I think some things aren't my business and within my boundaries...

again...JMO...

That SM was out of line. It wasn't her place to take the child in for a cut. Based on her response to your friend, I sure SM knew it would annoy her. It was a passive aggressive way to get a dig in at BM.

Then instead of owning up to what she did, he hid behind BD. We all know how clueless most men are. The poor man most likely never gave the girl's hair a second thought until SM started working on him.

BM should turn SM's Sally is old enough to decide defense back on her. Since she's old enough to decide if she gets a hair cut, she should also be old enough to decide if SM gets excluded from certain things.

I know plenty of people that will fight when it comes to their daughter's hair.

:shakes head:
It always amazes me when SMs do these things.
But violence isn't the answer.
I've been a SM for many years. I NEVER took a skid to get a haircut...well, until they were in their teens and took themselves.
Why? Because I'd probably get upset if someone else took my kids to get haircuts.

I agree my kids have a SM and she never did anything like this. When they got older she would take them but that was different. She always discussed it with me prior.

My SD12 grew her hair out for Locks of Love and my SIL cuts hair so I took her to get it cut. SD had cleared it with her BM but when BM found out I took SD she got mad and raised hell with BF. Then she took her and got it cut again even shorter. It looked really cute but being that short it needs regular cutting. BM was bored with it by then and never had time to take her to get her hair cut. How she didn't have time is crazy because she doesn't have a job or any other kids at home. So SD asked me to take her again then it was perfectly okay for me to take SD (and pay for it) to get her hair cut.

"I showed DH the facebook string. The first thing he said is “those women are insecure”. And he’s right. He also said, “I appreciate you. We love you.”

that right there is beautiful.

In any community people will tend to rally to the support of their friends so it's not really suprising that this caused a little storm of anti stepmum feeling. If I were ever in the position of being a custodial separated/divorced BM I would appreciate the approach of Susie's Friend 7, but of course that depends on a civil constructive relationship between mother, father and stepmother. It's suprising how often that is not the case.

Personally I think it is inadvisable for one parent to make significant changes to the appearance of a child that young without any discussion. Piercing somebody elses 6 year old without their permission is out of order so you can see why the haircut thing has added insult to injury. I would probably be a very annoying BM though as I am a bit of a control freak and take a lot of care over my children's diet, routine, behaviour and appearance!

I think it depends upon the circumstance. If the BM provides for the SD and routinely gets her haircut then I agree that it's her domain. However, in my case the BM has NEVER (I'll repeat: NEVER) gotten SD10's hair cut. Before I came into her life, she had been to a salon only one other time and that was with her grandmother (my SO's mother). BM doesn't even provide toothbrushes for her kids at her place. Do I consult BM when I get SD's hair cut every six weeks? Heck, no. I would be willing to concede that it's a "girl thing" between mom and SD if it actually were. My SD really likes the time we spend together and calls it girl time when we get our hair done. I'm not trying to step in and replace her mother but she doesn't get that attention or care from her mother. I refuse to participate in neglect to prevent BM from getting her feelings hurt. That said, BM has never said anything - she's more than willing to accept other people taking care of her responsibilities. It would be worse if she tried to give me a hard time because of it.

I am also working on growing out my daughter's hair. It would piss me off something fierce in a similar situation. I have taken my stepsons to get hair cuts and such but it pisses MIL if they aren't cut just right to her expectations. So its something I rarely ever do. She got mad the last time my husband got two of the boys hair cut right before their grandfathers funeral because she had gotten their hair cut two weeks before and Shane didn't like how long their hair was.

No is should not call for violence at all. BUT… I think it is absurd for a step parent to drastically change a skids hair style. I mean come on.

UNLESS you are a full custodial time step parent, then it is ok.

DH has EOWE visits. One weekend a few years back, when he dropped off his kid, she was wearing clean clothes, was showered and had clean (brushed) hair.

When he picked her up two weeks later, his 11 year old daughter had a rat's nest knot in her hair at the base of her neck that was about 3 inches in circumference. We both tried for hours to comb it out for her because we didn't want to cut her hair.

We ended up taking her to get it trimmed out of her hair and the stylist was able to salvage the length. Unless she had it in a pony tail, you couldn't tell she had any hair cut at all.

What did Uberskank do? Bitched at DH for 10 minutes (before he walked away) and blamed me for not combing it out and even for having the nerve to suggest cutting her daughter's hair. She told DH that if I had kids, then I would know how to comb out hair.

Never mind that her skanky ass sent her child off with a rat's nest knot in her hair the size of her daughter's fist. Never mind that she didn't do anything about it herself. Oh no, that was okay but it was so wrong for DH to do something about it.

I am a BM and SM - and honestly it irritates me when my exH takes my girls for haircuts. Reason? He takes them to the cheapest/crappiest place and then gives no direction to the cutter.

My girls wear their hair long and only need trims about every 12 weeks - which I can easily manage with my salon. Just frustrating to get them and they suddenly have bangs - or the bottoms are all uneven.

Yes it is just hair and therefore physical violence is not the answer. But this SM and BD have already shown they don't have any regard to BM's opinions (piercing the ears without at least discussing???? wtf!) so she is going to need to figure out what are the boundaries she wants to set.

For example - if SM wants to mani/pedi with the girl - is that ok? makeup?

Then have a conversation about what she feels is acceptable to do with and without a conversation. You notice I'm not saying consent. As it isn't always about everyone agreeing and singing kumbaya...

But had SM called BM in this case prior to the haircut with something like "your daughter says she wants her hair cut - I'm happy to take her and get it taken care of. Cool?" Mom could have said - "well - actually she and I are trying to grow it out (for xyz reasons - if applicable) maybe a trim would be fine - but please keep in mind the goal."

Ok - yeah that sounds like a lot of puppies rainbows and unicorns - but you get what I mean right?

I really don't understand what the big deal is with hair. It's just hair. It grows back. It really shouldn't inspire such heated reactions. Now, piercings and tattoos are in another category entirely.

That all being said, I wouldn't take the kids to get their hair cut without talking to BM. BM IS a hairstylist, so I'm sure she would get her panties all in a bunch about it, and it's just not worth it to me to cause that kind of drama. FDH doesn't have a strong opinion about FSD's hair though he prefers it long, but I'm sure when FSS gets older FDH will show him how to buzz it. I don't think BM will have a problem with that.

It sounds to me like the SM and the BM in this situation have some passive-aggressive tension already, and this is just one incident in a stream. It's difficult to make judgments without knowing the whole story, but I don't think BM's friends were out of line to support her. They are HER friends, so who cares. Also, most of them did not make horrible statements about SMs in general, so I don't think this is necessarily a display of anti-SM sentiment. Maybe one or two, but not most of them.

Ok-my issue with this it-that the bm in this case takes the kids to get haircuts all the time, right? Does she consult with the father before all these cuts? Does she ask if he wants their daughter's hair to grow out or be short? My guess is no. So if she does not consult him on their hairstyles why would he have to consult her? Just because she is the bm does not mean she is the boss. Doesnt the kids own father have the right to take them for hair cut. I think its ridiculous that one respondent said that she should deny visitation? Really? Because the dad got the kids hair cut? Beat up the stepmom? Ridiculous.

"But had SM called BM in this case prior to the haircut with something like "your daughter says she wants her hair cut - I'm happy to take her and get it taken care of. Cool?" Mom could have said - "well - actually she and I are trying to grow it out (for xyz reasons - if applicable) maybe a trim would be fine - but please keep in mind the goal."

THIS

SO, if you aren't the full time parent, you can't get your own kids hair cut? Really?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I did not say that. I said a FULL TIME STEP PARENT should be able to get the kids hair cut.

I agree with helpme if the bm doesn't ask the BD if she should change the hair style or get a hair cut why should he call her and ask her??? Maybe that is something you need to ask her. If you want to change her hair are you going to call her dad and ask his opinion? If not why are you throwing a fit?
I can see where the bm would want to control that but at the same time I can see where the BD would not think that much of it as bm doesn't call him to ask his opinion so he would assume that it was ok for him to do as it is ok for her to do.

To stir the pot:

1. If the child in question was a boy, would OP's friend and her FB friends still have been as upset?

2. Do BM, DH and Stepmom have a working, rational relationship where Stepmom could/should have called BM to get her "ok" beforehand? Would BM have given guidelines for the cut or would she have said no, simply because she has an irrational hatred of SM? (Projecting a bit of my own sitch in there, not knowing this family's dynamic.)

I am very lucky because I have DD5 and DS7; as of now, their dad is fiercely protective of them and there are solid boundaries around his GF and what she's able to do with and for our kids. I really like her and I don't *think* she would ever take DD to get her hair cut or other "girly first" types of things. This woman has a daughter of her own and I think that will serve us well if they choose to continue their relationship. If my SSs were SDs, I am certain that things would be even worse with BM than they are.

My SSs' BM used to love to rant and rave about how DH never took the boys to get their hair cut- he liked their hair long. In a fit one night, BM took them to get it all Britney Spears-ed off, without consulting DH. They were basically bald. Anyway, I take kids for haircuts all together now, and I am frankly shocked that she has not said something about it, after reading this post. However, maintenance cuts differ from drastic style changes and I bet I would be upset if my kids' dad and his GF took either of mine to get drastic cuts. Especially since DH doesn't even brush DD's hair. He has basically no concern for their appearances. I would be grateful if his GF would brush/style my daughter's hair when they are all together!

What are some other milestones that BMs will get angry at SMs just for breathing in the same general vicinity of? We have been so terrorized for the last couple years that I would believe anything.

Hurting the stepmom? That's crazy talk, but guess what- lots of BMs act crazy and I would not put it past some of them- ours included- to try something like that someday. And yes, we are trying to take legal steps based on that and countless other crap she has pulled and is pulling. Sigh. I wish everyone a BM like me!

I guess to each their own... I as a SM would NEVER dream of taking a skid for a hair cut... I just don't give two craps what they look like. If they and BMs are OK with whatever their hairstyle is then have at it. If DH wanted to pitch a bitch, then fine, but I just don't care to get involved in what I think is stupid day to day nitpicky crap when it comes to skids. Now if they are lighting my couch on fire, stealing my clothes, or growing pot in my front yard, then I'm going to speak up.

On the other hand as a BM I would pitch a royal bitch if DH took it upon himself to drastically alter our son's appearance without at least running it by me first... don't even want to think about the firestorm if we WEREN'T together and he did it or a GF/SO/SM did it. A simple trim is one thing but to change the style completely is quite another IMHO

One other note.... What did SD want???? did she WANT the drastic cut? It would appear that she did, I can't imagine that the SM would force a haircut on the SD that she didn't want? If SD was happy with her hair, then yes BM has a right to be annoyed, but not to this extent. It sounds to me like it all boils down to a pissing match. BM was pissed because SHE was trying to grow SD's hair out.. NOT SD.

There are a lot of mothers want to keep the baby hair long. It is like angel hair spun from gold, but once it's cut it never grows as fine again. There are women who pay hundreds of dollars in henna's and hair conditioning treatments to make their hair look half as nice. If the child has long hair, it would take years to grow it back again and it will never be as fine.

I have to agree with Disney and Oi Vey. It is a tragedy when a step-mothers ongoing vengance with the BM's involve the kids (cutting off the SD6's baby hair) and hiding behind the BD as though it was his idea. They aren't fooling anyone. Men are oblivious to those kinds of things, but SM's and BM's are definately not.

I was the same age as the girl in this story when my SM did that to me, and I never forgot it because I was embarassed by people who thought I was a boy with that new haircut. SM could not be bothered to brush my hair. She had it cut off in the first week I was there. I had a mother and two sisters who usually did that for me, but at that time we were all seperated and my uncaring SM was all that I had.

Then the same thing happened to my BD8 this summer while staying with her dad and step mother. BD8 was instructed to lie and tell me it was BD's decision although I knew better than that. BD would brush her hair like I did. He used to be so caring. Maybe that is why SM cut her hair, to break that tradition out of jealousy and spite for the mutual love we share for BD8.

So, SM's it may not be important to you, but it may be something very precious to their mothers. The right thing to do would be to ask the mom.

I did this as a sm. Dd and I were going to get our hair cut SD was there and wanted to come. At that point I should have said no instead I had SD call bm and ask if she could have her hair trimmed. She said yes. I dreaded everything about it as bm was a hairdresser. As I found out later bm recur her hair that night because the lady that cut it obviously didn't know what she was doing.

It is just an example of many things I didnt do right

Carley, how sad that that happened to you. Reading your post made me want to cry. But, assuming you're a stepmom and that's why you're on here (but knowing that you might not be, and *that's* why you're on here), you should know that often times it's not about the stepmom and her "ongoing vengeance toward BM"- it's the other way around. You had a mean one, it sounds like....but from my time on Steptalk, I haven't come across a SM who wasn't trying to do her best with her skids and who hadn't been bandied about and pushed to the absolute limit by a spiteful, vengeful BM...just sayin'.

Oh this subject is just getting ridiculous!! To use words like "tragedy" over a freakin haircut is insane. And to think that us evil SM's go and hack our skids hair off out of vengance to break the bonds of "mutual love" that the bios have for their kids is just really overly dramatic for my taste.

Maybe the DH in this situation asked the SM to go take the kid for a haircut, and if he did then he was perfectly within his rights.

I don't think that SM's hatch diabolical plans to cut their skids hair to aggravate the BM's in their life, at least I don't. My SD's hair is down past her ass right now and it irritates the crap out of me that BM lets it get so long and unruly. I just choose to ignore it because it's not my kid.
If my DH decided to take her to get a few inches taken off I certainly wouldn't stop him and would go with him if he asked. I wouldn't take her myself though because I've read enough of these types of posts to see how something as simple as a damn haircut could end us up back in court because BM doesn't like to lose control of anything including hairstyles.

Seriously, that's what it boils down to, the BMs feel that they are losing control of their own children but don't seem to care about how the bio Dad's feel when the situation is reversed.

Our BM had it written in the DD that she was in charge of all haircuts. I totally find this odd & think it was more her lawyer than her. My SS's were 5 & 7 at the time, they are boys & they wore their hair in short boy haircuts. However the haircut deal has never came up or been an issue. BM, Dh, my stepsons & BS all go to the same barber shop. If the boys need a haircut & we have something going on we take them & she never says a word, however my husband will generally mention it before we do it. Sometimes even BM's BF takes them, he uses the same place too and we never know before hand.

I think with girls it is different though. I can totally see a mom getting bent out of shape over taking long hair to short or piercing ears. As a stepmom who has been in the trenches for a while if I had a BM that you know is going to be that way, why bother stirring the pot. Is it really worth it? I think in the rats nest case yes it needed to be done, but if the kid just needs a trim, chose a different hill to battle on.