So...do I just make myself the bad guy in our situation with SD6?
I've spoken alot about our predicament with a few of my close coworkers -- specifically how SD6 is not our child, we're "obligated" by BM's entitled attitude to continue taking her and DH doesn't necessarily want SD6 completely out of our lives (well I don't either) but realizes we need to stop this scheduled visitation thing with her since she has biological parents in the picture.
If you read a few of my last blogs you'll know that BM manipulated the SH** out of us! She basically threatened DH that she would be taking SD6 away from us and it all boiled down to that she was mad at ME for something (that she didn't even ask the full details about). So after that got all cleared up because I confronteed her about it in person, BM goes back to us taking SD6 all the time again.
So she was using her daughter as a pawn to get to us. And it worked.
After I vented to my coworker/friends about it, one of them had a brilliant idea. Why not make it so that if DH isn't home at night becuase he has to work, BM keeps SD6. BM's whole argument during that "thing" was that it must be hard for me to have all three kids while he's working, and he's been working so much at night...and there's not as much attention going towards SD6 at our house because only one parent divided between a baby and 2 skids, etc. So she "seemed" to be "GETTING" it. Well now she's back to "letting us" have SD6 again. Well....I don't think it's right that I should be watching her when DH isn't even around? The point that BM and DH have in us still taking SD6 is because SD6 formed a bond with DH and he became her "daddy" from infancy. So doesn't it make more sense for SD6 to only be around our house when DH is home?
So here's the deal...if I push for THIS change...I'm gonna come out the bad guy. BM will tell SD6 something like I don't want her...we'll definitely explain it better to her ourselves but I'm not sure I wnat to be the bad guy here.
In reality I'm doing what's best for SD6...she should be with her biological mother, not a pseudo-step-mom when the time arises.
Right?
So how do I come out of this and NOT be the bad guy? I know that DH will support it. It's getting BM to understand that will be the hard thing.
- SteppingUp's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
UGH!! Not sure how to go
UGH!! Not sure how to go about this. You are her free babysitter and she is NOT going to like it when you stop. She will say, if you can't take the 6 year old then you don't need the 4 year old. Oh what a mess. And how is that going to work with the 6 year old staying at home now, after she has been going over to your house all the time? She will be hurt to say the least. I feel bad for all of you. (not BM!...she is an idiot)
But I do feel that something needs to be done now. Not tomorrow, not the next day. The longer it goes on the more that child is going to get hurt.
Im sorry, no advice. It is a really bad situation! (((hugs)))
See, although it could be
See, although it could be spun that way I also think that SD6 would LOVE LOVE LOVE to have some one-on-one time with her mom, BM. She never gets that. And I'm not kidding, this kid worships BM. If we explain that we'll still have her when DH is at our house/not working late (which would still be 2-3 nights every other week) and the other days she gets to be alone with her mom, I think she'd love it. She knows it's not as "fun" at our house when it's just me because we get home, I am making supper while attending to baby and feed him, then they eat then a litle play time, then i have to put baby to bed for awhile then shortly after that it's their bedtime. When DH is around one or the other of us plays with them outside or games or whatever -- lots of attention. Not saying that SD6 doesn't love me because I know she does but she certainly loves DH WAY more.
I'm in total agreement with
I'm in total agreement with Dru on this. It would be wrong to try and change things now.
ugh, everyone feels so
ugh, everyone feels so strongly one way or the other! Her biodad has made efforts to see her more often and BM has refused, we think for the simple reason that she is sitll punishing him for not being involved with her the first year of her life. This may open the door for him.
I can't believe this! You
I can't believe this! You are being a free baby sitter for BM for a child that is not even your DH's? Wow! I had DD12 when I was in highschool and her Biodad hit the road before she was born, he has since reentered but just recently. When I meet DD8 dad he spent a LOT of time with DD12 (she was 2 at the time) and so did his parents. When we split, I would have NEVER thougth of continuing to push my oldest DD on him. He is NOT her dad, he is NOT responsible for providing for her or for watching her for me. I would not have wanted to confuse DD12 even more. It sucked, but it was difinently for the best in the long run.
Yeah, there were and still are occasion's where DD12 goes with DD8 when she does something with her dad or his parents - very rarly, but it does happen. They still get her b-day presents and Christmas presents, they talk with her, they are friends with her on facebook, they occasionally will attend a church, school, activity function. But their are LIMITS.
Seems to me some limits need to be set with this BM. She is NOT doing what is best for her DD in the long run and is just creating a very confusing situation for the poor girl. And it is NOT your job to fix this, to take care of this girl, or give BM her free time at your expense. I agree - if your DH is not there - that girl is not there either. How did YOU get roped into this? You are NOT this girls SM, DH **WAS** this girls Stepdad, but not anymore. It's GREAT for him if he still wants to help out and be in her life - but it is all an added benefit to the girl not the BM and BM does not get to dictate it and certainly does not get to dictate you and your time.
I got roped in because when
I got roped in because when BM and DH broke up (they were never marrieD) they had a son. They agreed to keep the kids together...and that mentality has continue. However, SD6 goes to her biological father's on the weekends...so they're apart those days already. We recently upped our visitation with SS4 to every other week, and somehow it tunred into us taking SD6 more often as well.
I'll be honest that mostly I
I'll be honest that mostly I just feel used in this whole situation. BM goes out every.single.night she doesn't have the kids -- so me being her free babysitter gives her that freedom. She is that type of person who thinks she's entitled to everything and offers no ounce of gratitude toward anyone for anything.
DH wants a relationship with SD6 still but agrees that it's wrong for BM to simply assume that we take her Sunday-Thursday every other week. And he feels bad for me on those nights that he works and I'm 'stuck' with all kids running around here nad there to pick up SD6 after school and stuff. He just has a hard time discussing this all with BM because she pulls the whole "Well then you don't need to see her AT ALL EVER" card and then he feels bad.
He needs to call her bluff!
He needs to call her bluff! Will she not let him see sd yep! but only til she had enough of staying home with her and then she will call and ask for him to take her. then your dh can say that this is his terms that he will see her when he is home and only when he says yes. It will give him the power and saying when and how and how long!
A few things my coworkers
A few things my coworkers said that are great points:
- She should be grateful for hte times we HAVE taken her, not expect it each and every time
- She will probably be upset...but then we should ask her if she's upset because she truly believes we don't love SD6 or is it because she will have less bar time?
- It is OUR decision whether to take her, not BM's
- We want to see SD6 when we can, when we're at our best as a family -- on the nights DH is around. When DH is not around she is certainly not MY responsibility.
- She'll always be connected to us as DH's son's sister...but DH and BM are NOT together anymore so neither of US are responsible for her.
- If BM wants me to take SD6 some nights, she can start paying me to do so or can start paying US "child support" for caring for her child 10 nights a month.
Every time I read about your
Every time I read about your situation I have a big fight inside myself. It's not an enviable situation by any means, but I'm not really sure what's best for anyone or if there is a way for you to do what's best for everyone. The compromises involved are always going to leave someone with the short end of the stick.
Do you think you would feel any better about the situation if BM were spending her time working/going to school while you had all of the kids?
If BM did pay you for watching SD, would you be willing to take her every time you had SS?
I personally think your BM is a loser, and it sounds like SD is better off with you and DH. Of course, I know that's not your responsibility. I'm a little more confused as to whether it's your DH's responsibility. Biologically and legally she is not his, but mentally...? I dunno.
I think that your scenario of
I think that your scenario of BM paying us would make it BETTER. It would atleast mean that she recognizes that we don't HAVE to do this.
If BM were going to school/working, yes I might feel a LITTLE better about taking her too...but I think there'd still be that little bit of resentment in the back of my mind thinking, "If I weren't here, what would she do? She'd find some other way, right?" and no matter what the reasons are, she should not just ASSUME that I will watch her child for her...even if she is going to school/working/etc.
I agree with you...it doesn't seem like there is a perfect option out there for all of us.
Do you think DH would try to
Do you think DH would try to enforce BM paying you?
Going off the "if you weren't there" hypothetical, wouldn't your DH take her (and SS) and put them with a babysitter or something?
Maybe while DH isn't there both SS and 'SD' could stay with a paid sitter? If DH isn't going to put his foot down, then maybe you should. If he wants his custody time then he recognize it's not your custody time as well. When he cannot be there, you are not free child care for any kids that are not your own.
Is SD's dad still trying to get custody of her? Can your DH work with him if he is? I mean, it would be kind of nice if you all could transition in a coordinated manner so that when your DH goes to pick up SS, SD's father is there at the same time to pick up SD. I guess that's unlikely, but it would be more ideal.
To answer your last question
To answer your last question about SD's dad, I did post a blog about how that kind of reached a dead end...we tried contacting him with the intent to work with him with all of this. He basically said he's not sure he's ready to communicate with us yet... so it stopped. And we have no idea if he's still threatening BM about the custody thing or if he was just doing that a year or so ago just to flex some power...or to play big daddy for his girlfriend? No idea.
And for picking up, we pick up SS at daycare and SD6 goes to be with a 10 year old girl after school, so we just wouldn't pick her up.
I like your co-workers
I like your co-workers comments-and agree....she's there when your dh isn't even there? YOU ARE BM's FREE babysitter, nothing more.
You know what, I think your personality is a bit like mine-people pleaser IRL..so you're afraid to be 'the bad guy'. But it's OK to be the bad guy to BM-you won't be for SD for long, she'll grow up and know the truth-and even if you ARE...it's OK- you have to be the 'good guy' to YOUR family.
She has a mother and a father, and a stepmom- your dh is NOT her stepdad and you have NO connectino to her.
Jsut because bm wants to punish dad w/her golden uterus entitlement and guilt YOU two to her bidding, doesn't mean you can't stand up to her.
Start by being the bad guy-own it, it's OK
Look-in the end you really are doing what is best for the child AND your family. Too much confusion....he's (your dh) should make a transition of less time w/him, more w/her bio dad and eventually step out-the siblings can still be siblings and see eachtoher on MOMS time.
Good grief woman I'm so pissed for you! Be the bad guy, who cares, you won't be bad guy to your man, or baby or stepson-that's what matters here. Your family and relationship comes first....not bm's f'ups and threats and commands.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For this especially: "Be the bad guy, who cares, you won't be bad guy to your man, or baby or stepson-that's what matters here. Your family and relationship comes first....not bm's f'ups and threats and commands."
I'll be talking to DH tonight about all of this for sure. I have a few notes written down
Sreppingup if this were me I
Sreppingup if this were me I would have been the bad guy from the beginning. I would not have ever been the free baby sitter and I would have told my dh that he better not even ask me let alone expect me to take care of someone else's child. that his kids are different as they are his but not a child that is not his.
It is ok to be the guy so that you won't get taken advantage of and in this situation you are and always will he unless you put your foot down.