Yesterday ended our first straight week with SS3 now that we've moved to EOW schedule. The week was great for us, and for BM. We had a very nice time with SS and he was a VERY good boy for us. BM partied all week....literally EVERY night, according to her facebook. Yesterday afternon, FDH called BM to see when she wanted to take him. No response. Text. No response. 2 hours go by. Call, text, no response. We had no idea where she was or what the plan was and it was 6:30, so FDH ran to the store to get some food to grill. He drove by BM's favorite hangout (on the way, only a few blocks from our house) and SAW HER sitting on the patio having drinks with her friends, and could clearly see her texting (which means her phone wasn't dead or something like we thought would be her excuse). He texted again saying "I see you at ___bar. Not taking SS tonight?" She wrote back "What? I'm driving back from the lakes right now. My car is parked at hte bar since Friday that's where I left it. Will be home in an hour and a half so drop off SS at 7:30".

Of course then he doubted it and thought maybe it WASN'T her at the bar. Nope. She posted on Facebook 2 minutes prior to that a photo of her buddies there at the bar, exactly where he saw her sitting. He was wearing a pink shirt so FDH knew it was hte same night, not a photo from previous days or something that she just got around to posting. So dumb! Anyway, she continued to lie about it. FDH finally said why don't you just come get SS3 then since we live only a few blocks from ___bar and even if you're telling the truth you'll have to get your car, right? She didn't respond.

Then finally at 7:45 she responded that she was on her way to pick up SS from our house. What had she done? She CHANGED HER CLOTHES so that she could 'prove' to FDH that it wasn't HER at the bar. The lengths she goes to make herself look like she' not lying! I don't get it! Why not just say, "just got home from the lake but stopped to visit with friends, will pick up SS at 7:30." Why lie about it all even after being caught? BM threatened him last night that we're going to move to every other weekend now, rather than every other week....but we know she'd never give up her partying to do that so it's an empty threat. But it still scares/annoys FDH.

Anyway, to continue on with this post and into the real issue here....after all of this went down, FDH was really bummed. He said that he feels like he's constantly caught between the two of us...me and BM. That I sit here and tell him not to let her "win" and to call her out on her lies, but it just makes her pissed off and she never changes, but she's the one with the "power" and control because she is the one with "primary custody" where the stipulation calls it "extended visitation" for FDH. He said he's more likely to make me happy because he loves me but he also doesn't want to make BM mad because she's typically easy to work with (if she's getting her way). He said that even though we don't agree with the things she does, they're not DIRECTLY affecting the kids yet so calling her out on hre stupid lies and stuff just makes her difficult and helps her to flex her power over the situation. He said, "Either way, we're playing her game. Either we play nice or we play mean but we're alwyas playing HER game because she has primary custody."

ARGGGG this sucks.

I told him that I don't want him to feel stuck between us all the time and that puts a lot of stress onto him. I said that I do trust him and that sometimes maybe he just needs to tell ME, "Cool it, SteppingUp. You need to trust my judgement here." He said he feels bad saying that to me. I said I'm a big girl, I can handle it...and that sometimes I do get sucked up into the anger/emotion of it all. He also said that I look at the situation from an outside point of view, which is good on some ways but also bad because I look at her purely as an EX and I just want to 'throw knives' at her. I agreed with him. It's true. I do come at it from a point of anger/hatred both because she's a crappy mother and we're always picking up her slack and also because she's his ex and it's natural not to like that person. *Sigh* So later on last night, BM and he were texting again. I leaned over his shoulder to read them and he is like, "Why do you need to see it?" and I said "because I want to read it rather than you just tell me!" he goes, "You don't need to get soooo involved." Arg.

So here goes. I need to step back. I need to not get so involved and emotionally wrapped up in all things BM. Here's my 3-step process:

1. Stop looking at her Facebook - it just fuels the fire.
2. Focus on myself and my family. Even though that includes skids, focus on THEM, not HER.
3. Take a hiatus from StepTalk.

I know that number one is definitely NUMBER ONE. It's hard not to look at it. The reason we do is to see when she goes out and gets a babysitter on the nights she's supposed to have the kids, which we've been documenting. I know she can do what she wants on her own time but we felt that since it's so often it would help us to gain custody. We've since sort of stopped documenting because of plenty of research that Facebook means nothing...so I don't know. Anyway, it's become a little obsession -- like "What's BM up to this week?" and it's more to poke fun and be annoyed by her than anything involving the kids. So it needs to stop.

Number 2 is equally important. If I'm a good stepmom and a good mom to my son, my relationship with FDH will grow stronger. Need to focus on US as a family and try not to let her influence us.

Number 3...althogh I LOVE steptalk, it sometimes fuels the fire. Seeing everyone else talk about their BMs kind of makes me get more mad about BM. I just need to step back a little, or else not read/respond to other people's posts....but then it's kinda pointless to be here if i'm not going to BOTH seek out and offer advice.

But alas, I would love some advice on this....

How do YOU keep from letting BM "rent space in your brain" ?

(I do have one more question for all of you but I will post it in a separate blog)