Hi there,
I am new to this site and so thankful I stumbled accross it! Before finding this site I was even considering thearepy to deal with issues I have towards my husbands children. I really hope you can help me....This will be quite long-winded so please bear with me!........
I am a 24 year old mother of 1, my 4 month old son, and step-mother to my husbands two daughters aged 6 and 7.
Apart from my son, I am NOT a child person and always promised myself I would never get involved with anyone who had children. I always knew I would love my own but was definitely not a fan of other peoples. When I first met my husband he had recently split from the girls' mother and due to a very nasty break-up, he wasn't seeing his children very much, if at all, as awful as it sounds I was relieved by this. We embarked on a very fast relationship and were engaged within 6 months, marrying 12 months later. He had been seeing his children every now and again on his own, I had made my feelings clear that I did not wish to have a relationship with them but would never stop him from seeing them. However, not long after we were married, he began to resolve previous issues he had with the girls' mother (she is a pyschotic b*tch but we will get to that later!) and she allowed him to have the children 3 nights a week. I was happy for my husband as I knew he missed them greatly but the thought of having them staying in our home 3 nights a week and me being thrust into the 'step-mother' role was far from appealing! However, to make my husband happy I owed it to him to at least give the relationship with his children a try. I had gone from being a young newly wed to a ready made Walton Family and felt cheated.
The civil relationship my husband had begun with his ex-partner soon evaporated. We had alot of trouble with the girls' mother, she would constantly send messages with the girls (who were 3 and 4 at the time) stating I was an ugly witch and I would sneak in their room at night and hit them when their dad wasn't looking. She would sit outside our house, my place of work and my husband's place of work until we came out and then shout abuse. She had my husband arrested for assault when he never touched her (the charges were soon dropped) and she sent e-mails to his place of work claiming he was stealing. We have since moved house and changed our phone numbers and meet her in a neutral place for the hand-over of the children. She does not have mine or my husbands telephone numbers anymore as she would send nothing but constant abuse and we go through his sister for any communication regarding the children.
In the beginning I tried my best to be friendly to the girls and build a relationship, despite their mother's claims and behaviour. After a short while my husband changed jobs and had to start work earlier, meaning, for the children to continue to stay with us on school nights I had to start dropping the girls' off at the childminders on my way to work and they would be dropped back off with myself when I finished work. I was 'ticking boxes'....not really having a relationship with them rather being their nanny. I got up with them in the morning, gave them breakfast and did their hair to ensure they looked smart (when they stay with their mother she is more concerned with the way SHE looks, she has taught them no personal hygiene and they constantly have head lice). I would cook their teas each night, introducing them to a world beyond McDonalds! We would spend the three days we had them teaching them how to brush their teeth, wipe their bottoms correctly, brush their hair before they go to bed, wash their hands often throughout the day and other basic personal hygiene. Yet as soon as they went back to their mothers and were left to their own devices they would return to us as if we had taught them nothing, I lost count of the amount of times they didn't wipe their bums, flush the chain or even close the bathroom door behind them. I was growing extremely tired of the whole situation and slowly began to dread them coming to stay with us.
Then I fell pregnant.
I continued to work until two weeks before I gave birth. I continued the daily grind when the children stayed of getting them up, getting them ready and taking them to the childminder. Then I decided enough was enough and when I started my MAT leave I would not be getting up with a newborn baby and taking the girls to the childminder etc. Their mother was not working and it seemed only fair seeing as they were HER responsibility not mine, to be doing all the running around after them. After alot of debate and name calling aimed in my direction for being 'a selfish bitch', she agreed. We continued to have them 3 night's a week and their mother began collecting them in the morning and dropping them back off after school.
Then my son was born and thing's got worse.
My feeling's towards the girls darkened. I didn't want them near my son, the thought of their dirty, unwashed hands touching him made my skin crawl. When he was a week old, I caught the eldest daughter shaking his moses basket (whilst he was in it) so hard that it nearly toppled over. She claimed he was starting to cry and she wanted to help him get back to sleep. My heart was in my mouth and I haven't allowed them near him since. They are allowed to kiss him on the head and that is all. I feel awful for my husband as he wants all his children to play together but whenever he calls him their 'brother' I feel sick to my stomach. I don't want him to be. Maybe I feel like nothing is just mine and my husbands? The house we live in became their home too, our son is now their brother, I cannot explain why I feel the way I do and hope someone can support me in some way.
I no longer try to have a relationship with the girls. I have no interest in them. They come to stay and I keep my distance. They irritate the hell out of me I can't stand to be in the same room as them anymore. Their mother decided she didn't want to keep picking them up in the morning and taking them to the childminder so has since stopped them staying in the week and they only stay at weekends. I am so relieved but even them staying at weekends irrtates me. I don't want my husband to cut them out of his life, I would never ask him to do so it would make him so unhappy and I don't want that. But I can't help feeling the way I do towards them. It has been over three years and I still feel nothing for them, nor do I want to. I dislike them and even the mention of their names has started to give me a sickening feeling. I dread the days that they stay with us. I don't want a relationship with them and sometimes wonder if my husband and the children would be better off with someone who did. I love him and do not want to end our marriage but waiting for them to be old enough to stop staying seems so far away and I don't know if I can stand being miserable until then.
Does anybody know any solutions to my problem? I have decided that I am going to start going out with my son for the day over the weekend when they stay and hope this will give me the break I need and my husband some time alone with the children. Is this the right thing to do? Will it cause a rift between me and my husband in the long run? I don't know what to do for the best anymore. Am I a horrible person? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!