Friday skid-weekend blues
Background cheat sheet: moved here from out-of-state 2 years ago, married one year ago. Living in BM & DH's home state, house they purchased together, hell, even sleeping in their ex-bed. I've more-or-less come to terms with that.
SD-now-11 has separation anxiety from her Moooommmmmyyyy...who bought her a cell phone at 10. Left to choose, she calls her mother 8 times a day or more. BM never (rarely?) calls the cell phone. It's all SD initiating the lack-of-boundaries. There's been a counselor involved...limited calls, a schedule, whatever. She was doing well, things got lax, 8-12 times/day, if it was a day DH had to work, and SD and I were doing stuff just the two of us.
It bothers me. I've (truly accidentally) overheard her...she calls BM and for whatever reason, it's a detailed narrative of, you know, everything. What we've done, what we're going to do (and, she apparently just...makes things up, sometimes. She's pretty clearly taking cues from Mooooommmmmyyyyy about what to thin/feel about things. It's...creepy.
I have said something to DH. He's "talked to her" and "done something about it." She's back to whatever schedule/quota she was on when she was seeing the counselor. 4x/day, or somesuch.
I joked with DH about "How about you set her quota to the number of times, and total minutes, that she calls/talks to YOU when she's at BM's." DH was NOT amused...
So.
Tonight, I got home, glanced into LR. SD11 is in there, phone clutched to her chest. We greeted each other, I got on with doing stuff.
Yesterday, I bought myself a new toy.
Over the past several months, I've been slowly disengaging from SD11. It's necessary.
I've not discussed with DH, yet. Have arranged that he and I go see the counselor we were seeing before the wedding. He's agreed. Thought that'd be a better place to discuss fully. Still pending on that.
So far, I'm just not spending my time planning activities for us to do when she's here, and I've committed to not spending money on them. I'm nice, I'll chat. Heck, I'm still letting her train/show my older performance dog. I'm not checking out completely.
But, not spending money on SD has added up as I gradually pulled away.
So, yesterday, I bought myself a new toy. A cool new tech toy. I guess I oopsed; I left the packaging un-disposed-of.
SD is here for our EOWe festivities.
DH said something a few minutes ago about showing the new toy to SD.
And I lost it.
Started crying.
"Can't I have ONE FUCKING THING that doesn't get "shared" with BM??!!!?!"
I'm not PMSing. I'm just *that fed up* with accumulated bullcrap.
Okay!
Thanks! I feel better, just spewing about it.
And, no. SD doesn't get to see my new toy.
j-dog
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Comments
Maybe you are feeling the
Maybe you are feeling the sense of having no privacy in your life. SD is on the phone constantly calling her mother and letting her know a child's version of anything that is happening in your home. Much of the information train probably is not all that important or interesting but it still feels like an invasion of privacy because it is the every day information that is leaving your household and entering into someone elses. I did not have stepchildren to raise but I did raise my husband's grandchildren for a while. I felt a great sense of loss of privacy. It is harder to control the information leaving the household with steps. With bio's there just is not that many people for them to pass information on to outside of the household. I feel for you. especially in this day of young children having cell phones and instant access to report everything .
If the mother is not
If the mother is not complaining about the SD calling I don't understand why you are. When you marry a person with children the children will talk and discuss your life with their mother/father. Do you know how juvenile it is to be competing and pouting about what an 11 year old discusses with her mother.
Did you not discuss how you were both going to handle the ex and the children prior to getting married? The ex and children are not going anywhere and you are the newbie. Mom is not going to be agreeable to an "upstart" new wife or girlfriend and she does not have to be. That is the bottom line.
Of course the kid loves her mother. Did you think that because you married her father she would transfer that to you? It has been my experience that you don't get involved with the relationship between parents and children. You will either lose or divorce.
I am both a BM and an SM. As a BM I am fiercely protective and if a new W or GF messes with me or does not like my kid then she is for deep shit. As a SM? Well I leave that to my husband as his ex wife is a pretty good mother and between them they have produced 2 awesome children.
Why is it so hard to believe
Why is it so hard to believe that she is a SM? Do all SMs posting here have to agree on everything? Is there some type of test you have to pass in order to obtain a ST SM badge?? Why is it so hard to accept that not all of us have the same issues/experiences/views/opinions?
Why am I not surprised that
Why am I not surprised that once again you feel the need to attack those you feel are not real SMs? Can always count on you for insults and/or name calling. Oh well, it is what it is. LOL
The ex is not gone. The ex
The ex is not gone. The ex is simply divorced BUT they do share children sourgirl. You can believe what you want but I am a SM and it would be terribly naive of me to expect there to be no flow of information to their mother. For your information my SC are both girls aged 15 and 12 and we share 50/50 parenting with their mother. I also have an adult step from my first marriage. I also have a 10 year old son and if he had a SM like you I would be WTF?
My question is valid to the original poster and I will repeat it. Didn't you guys discuss how this ex wife cum step parenting was going to work prior to getting married?
I apologize that I don't have your issues. Who gives a flying leap what a child tells their parent and does it really matter that your step child tells her parent that you have a new ipod touch or whatever? There is no privacy as a SM as is there is no privacy when I send my son to his dad and his new wife. Seriously, the original poster has no authority to demand that a child not discuss his/her experiences at their other parent's home regardless to how slanted it may be.
Do you really think that when you marry a man with children you become autonomous?