Depression is setting in...
H is traveling for work. Again. Left this am and not back until Thursday (just as he did last week). I have to watch SS12 and SS7 and I'm already feeling depleted. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to keep the routine going but they don't make it easy. The youngest has already cried several times (he is BEYOND a crybaby) and the eldest is the most passive-aggressive child I've ever met. While doing their academic stuff (I don't believe in letting kids veg out the entire summer so they can forget everything, especially since these two aren't exactly up to speed on math, reading, comprehension, etc...). The youngest cried the whole time. The 12-year-old clearly didn't care or try and was being a smartass the entire time. I just told him to go do whatever because I have no fight in me. I helped the youngest figure out that he should have been adding, not subtracting, and went over what 4 + 3 is. Literally. This is the level they're on and, in my opinion, you can chalk it up to a lack of discipline with their mothers and their dad.
Now I'm lying in my bed and I truly want to stay here the rest of the week. I don't have any family or friends I can hand them over to for even a few hours for a reprieve. I feel like I die a little each time I'm in this position... Any tips for dealing with and overcoming moments such as this?
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Oh man...have you been
Oh man...have you been reading my recent blogs? This is the EXACT situation I FOUGHT the past two weeks to avoid....BM and FDH just "assumed" I want to take both the skids (one of which is not even my FDH's child...she is ss's sister) while FDH was out of town. I SAID NO!
Is there any way...ANY WAY you can just say no to anything further? Where is their mother? In my situation my argument was:
BM gets paid child support for the kids so why should I be spending my own time/money on them and get paid nothing for basically being her free babysitter?
A) Why should responsibility for these kids automatically fall on my shoulders when there IS a parent in town (bm)? And for SD6 who is not FDH's, she has a father and a mother and 2 sets of grandparents!
I will tell you that after saying "no" I felt SOO liberated. I did feel guilty at first but I got over it within a day and now I'm SOO proud of myself that I stood up formyself and that I 'made' FDH stand up for me to BM.
As far as dealing with those moments, I have a hard time, too. It's easy enough to disengage when your SO is around and pass hte buck to him, but when you're the only one you just kinda gotta take a big girl pill, don't you?
I know it sucks though. Keep in mind the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe try the opposite approach, too...fake it til you make it. Pretend to be the most fun, coolest stepmom ever for a few hours and see if the kids turn around a little behaviorally. Maybe they just need to get out of the house and do something. Could you take them to a pool where you can kind of just lay out/relax while they entertain themselves??
There mothers are states
There mothers are states away. SS12 lives with us full-time. I had hoped to have a break, but no such luck. His BM didn't even bother to TRY to get him for summer vacation. SS7 is with his BM for the school year, here for the summer. I just feel stressed out and put upon, really... I don't have biokids, but I alwasy wanted children. On some level, I think H feels he has given me the gift of the children I always wanted. NOT EVEN CLOSE. I wanted to be a mom, not a nanny.
They both have them. I think
They both have them. I think you're right. I just don't want to hear, "She was in her room the whole week..." but that is what the hell I FEEL like doing. Sigh.
Having three skids of my own
Having three skids of my own 16, 13 and 10, all I can tell you is to take the burden off of yourself. Don't make it your job to worry about their education, school work or academic "stuff". Leave that for their parents. Even though what they do may not be up to par or acceptable, back off. I tried for years to help my skids with school and it's just a disaster. If they're lazy, you'll end up driving yourself crazy. Relax while hubby is away...and just be good to the kids. All you should do is make sure they are safe and entertained so they don't get into trouble. Believe me, you'll feel happier.
I know you're right. I need
I know you're right. I need to stop caring so much because it just drives me crazy. Thanks for responding and for letting me know I'm not abnormal or nuts.
Thank goodness for StepTalk...
Okay, so here is the
Okay, so here is the thing....Decide if you really care about the children or if you want control...I have the skids do school work to keep sharp in the summer...For every page they get 100% on I give them a dollar. We also do an hour of work a day before we do ANYTHING fun...i,e, the lake or beach, the park, swimming or out for pizza. I do not consider it a bribe...this is how the world works. Work before play and when you work hard and do well you get money...My skids BM had the nerve to tell me that my sd7 at the time had to much reading to do at home and "wasnt that teachers job"? The funny thing is that the BM was in college at the time...didnt she have homework? My sd9 is also a HUGE cry baby...You have to back them into a corner and never let them see you sweat....When you stop crying I will help you with the paper, but not until then...When the paper is done we will something fun or you can watch tv or whatever...You do not give in until they do...walk away and start doing something else...
The sad part is that the skids were having a great time doing the work over the summer...When my sd9 told her mom she was doing well and had earned 5 dollars the bm said "your doing school work in the summer, thats dumb". WTH is wrong with this women! It was a fight for the couple of days again...She got back on track but she should have never been shoved off to begin with...
I would rather pull my
I would rather pull my eyelashes and eyebrows out, hair by hair, before I would EVER pay ANY child to study. I understand your point, but fuck that. Their salary is the beautiful, clean home they live in, all the food, beverages and treats they could ever want, dining out, vacations, weekend trips, passes to an awesome gym and private pool, extracurriculars, air conditioning, clean clothes, etc... You get the point. They get enough perks and are entitled as it is. I REFUSE to pay them for things they are supposed to do. Now I'm more than happy to give an allowance for chores, above and beyond the basics. Like they are supposed to keep their rooms/bathrooms clean and common areas tidy. But I am happy to pay an allowance for grass cutting, weed pulling, gathering the recycling, etc...
Things have been going better with the studies the last couple of days. It's as if they take turns though. When one is pissy, the other acts relatively sane, and then they switch off again..
Buy them an educational game
Buy them an educational game and tell them when they reach nth level they will get a trip to the movies WITH a drink and popcorn.
So it is bribery. When you are left in charge it is your rules.
And do something with them their father moderately disapproves of. Maybe get them to make and ice cupcakes.
And sit back and take it easy. If they have access to a pool make usre they are in it every day. It is good exercise and they won't get too hot and get grouchy. Also make sure (if you are in heatwave alley!) they get plenty to drink.
And set a reward for yourself with DH returns.
Yes, the pool is a Godsend.
Yes, the pool is a Godsend. SS12, however, decided that he was pissy today so he didn't want to go. Ha! Get those damn trunks on and let's GO. Especially considering we waited on his ass for more than an hour to finish his work. He sat in the hot ass sun and pouted for two hours while SS7 and I enjoyed the water. Fine by me! LOL!
You're way too lax. You're
You're way too lax. You're letting these kids run the show. Be careful, that's pretty hard to turn around when they get older.
Set a routine. Here we are up at 8 all summer, breakfast and showers done by 9, and out the door for farm chores. If you don't have a farm you must at least have a lawn or something they can work on. Start a project. Any project. Build something if you have to.
Farm chores and projects til 11 or 12. Lunch. Reading. Math. Then if they got through that without whining and grousing, it's time for fun all afternoon. If not, I can find something to do. If a kid here is going to complain, I will absolutely insure that they have a legitimate complaint.
Why? Because, fuck em, that's WHY!!!
"You're way too lax. You're
"You're way too lax. You're letting these kids run the show."
Oh, wow! I had no idea that another adult lived in my house. I'll expect you to chip in on all the bills at the beginning of each month.
I mean, you MUST live in my home, right? I'm quite certain you would never make a bullshit, inaccurate and all-around fucked up statement like that if you had even a CLUE as to the kind of person I am.
LOL! Nevermind, I guess I am
LOL! Nevermind, I guess I am out of this....If people think you are to lax then I must be a total wussy! My husband just got done telling me that I need to make these kids do something...If I keep doing everything for them they will never learn..... I guess I should rethink if I need this web page or not...my issues are more with the BM than the kids anyway.... ; )