Kids matter
I've been a step mom for almost six years to two amazing boys. I respect them and love them and they spend 50% of their time with us. Times have been tough, as it was not easy at the beginning - I was an outsider and not at all wanted by mom. Mom left the relationship but didn't expect "him" to find someone new. I tolerated the abuse for many years. Years of telling the kids how horrible I and their dad was. How dad left the marriage - was not true. How dad is not important and how they should not be with us. I was called stupid and that I was not liked and the boys didn't belong here. Years of this went on, but dad and I kept our word of never putting them in the middle and never saying anything negative against their mom. To this day, she still wants to control her ex and me (not happening by the way) and has started to put a major guilt trip on the boys especially when they tell her I'm nice when she says I'm horrible. They she accuses them of loving me more and telling them that they are telling her she is not a good mom. I want to say that I can finally breathe. I had our oldest son come and say that he is not liking what his mom is saying and that he is becoming very annoyed. She even checks his underwear when he is coming back to our home to ensure it not a pair that she buys! Not sure what to say about that! Anyway, they now talk to me and tell me how bad they feel and how the guilt is hurting them. I continue with my stance on saying nothing negative, but it breaks my heart to hear them tell me how she is treating them - its so unfair and so unnecessary. Kids need to be loved and respected. They are at a learning age and when young boys are told that Dads are not important, how will they feel when they finally become dads?
My oldest step son doesn't know who to tell his mom to stop. He said he wants to say "shut up", but I told him not to do that - that is not the right approach. I told him I would think about it and get back to him.
Any suggestions from other step moms or any step children would be truly appreciated.
Thank you
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Comments
It will probably never end.
It will probably never end. I'm on my 11th year in my relationship. BM is still a psycho nut job. See my blog about graduation. The thing with these moms is that they fail to see that the kids grow. And when they do, they are able to see with their own eyes the vicious harm the mom has caused. Very sad indeed.
I agree with Unfreakingreal,
I agree with Unfreakingreal, BM is on mission and she will probably never stop, unless she finds some kind of peace or happiness in her life. But....some day, these kids will see what their mom has done, and what she is doing is abusing them mentally. They see it now, actually. The fact that they come to you to talk about this is an excellent sign, and keep encouraging them to do so. They will always remember you were there for them. I know it is hard to not say anything negative, but that is the best approach. I will always be grateful that when my parents divorced, they never said anything bad about each other in front of me.
I feel so bad for your older SS, because he is frustrated. My best advice, and this comes from personal and professional experience, is to tell him to say something like "Mom, please do not talk like this. It makes me sad. I love you, but it hurts me when you talk like that. Dad and _______ are good to us and they treat us great. We love you, and we love them." The idea is to let his mom know it hurts him, but that him liking you is not taking anything away from her as his BM. Does that make sense? This may not work, but it is worth a try. If BM continues, tell him to change the subject or walk away. She may get angry or she may get upset and accuse him of siding with you, or whatever comes to her mind, to make him feel guilty. But hopefully, she will get the point. I think if you and him and his dad keep your relationships strong, you will be ok, despite her carrying on. Just remember that he KNOWS you and his dad care, and he knows his mom shouldnt be behaving that way. That is SO important. Good luck! I love that you have a great relationship with your step kids. There are so many of us who cant. They are so lucky to have you and their dad in their lives!!!!!
I do think it can change. I
I do think it can change. I know bm used to talk about me all the time, disparage our household, etc. She sometimes talked about dh but mostly me. I backed OFF. Way off. she felt threatened by the fact that ss and I had a relationship and she was doing everything she could to tear it down. She was successful by the way-BUT she doesnt really do it any longer and hasnt in years. She has since offered up an apology and said she was sorry for blaming me for everything. So bm did change, but the damage was already done-she has also told ss she was wrong to blame me-he is 13 now and she told him this several years ago-however he still just finds it handier to blame me for all the wrongs in his world.