SS17 called DH last night. He's back at BM's mom's house because him & BM "got into it" again.

DH talked to BM on the phone last week for the first time in 2 years. He explained that he'd been laid off his job & was starting a new one. His former employer had been taking the CS out of his paycheck each week & forwarding a check for that to BM. DH explained that she would be receiving payments directly from us from now on. She was pissed because she doesn't have a bank account, so she can't cash personal checks. DH said he didn't know what to tell her. He isn't spending $3 extra every week to buy a money order that she's going to have to pay $3 to cash every week...she'd have to open an account somewhere or find another way to make it work. She insists that all of the banks require $100 to open an account. I know, from the court website, that she has an outstanding bank account & told DH that she probably can't open a checking account, but she should still be able to open a savings account so she can cash her checks. Whatever. She wants to be an idiot, let her figure it out.

She also mentioned that despite what DH had been told by her, her mother, & SS, both kids have been homeschooled for the last 2 years. We knew SD was, but had been told & lied to when asking questions that SS was still going to school. DH told SS last night, that BM had told him about the homeschooling. SS told DH that BM said not to say anything because DH would be disappointed in SS. DH made it clear that he was not disappointed in the fact that he was being homeschooled, but felt hurt & was disappointed by the fact that he outright lied to DH about it.

SS asked DH if he could come stay with us this summer. DH asked if everything was okay & SS started talking to him about the arguments him & BM have been having. She keeps telling him that DH doesn't care about them & that he's moved on & forgotten about them. He talked to her about spending the summer with us & she wanted to know who put those stupid ideas in his head. He told her it was something he's really thought about & wants to do & she told him "Your dad doesn't want you. You know that." He yelled at her & told her he's "sick of her shit". He told DH "I know she's my mom & I shouldn't talk to her that way, but I know what she does. I know that she lies to us all the time. She lies to everyone all the time, & I'm sick of it". That was the first time DH didn't scold him for disrespecting her. After they got off the phone he asked me if I thought he should have. I guess my feeling is that for all the years DH has taken up for her despite all the crap she's said & done...to ALL of them/us, if she isn't willing to demand that respect herself & she wants to keep doling out the insults & lies, she needs to learn to expect what she puts out in return. SS is nearly an adult & she has lied to him for years. She's going to have to deal with the results of her actions.

DH has been trying to help SS get his car together (the one BM gave him for his 16th birthday that doesn't run). DH put a new serpentine belt & waterpump on it. It still needs an alternator, a windshield, brakes & possibly a new battery. DH suggested that the next time they get together they could go to a few junkyards to see about getting an alternator. SS said that BM had told him DH told her he wasn't going to help him with the car anymore. That was just one more lie that pissed him off.

I'm thankful he's reached a point of recognizing the alienation, the lies, the manipulation & now I'm more thankful that he's reaching a point where he can acknowledge it & talk to DH about it without caring about the guilt from BM.

After their conversation last night, though, I am angry & hurting for him & SD both, for what they have endured to this point & for the years they have yet to endure in trying to figure all of this out & trying to decide what is worth trying to process & understand & make sense out of. I think all of us here realize (or are learning to realize) that so often there is no sense to be made of what some of these BM's say & do, & to try to make sense of it all will get you nowhere fast. SS will have to learn, as many of us have, that it can't all make sense & that at some point he'll have to decide what's important to figure out & what can't be figured out & find a way to move forward, yet leave all the nonsense behind.

He said that SD wants to come visit. He said she asks him a lot of questions about his visits/conversations with DH & me, & seems to really be eager to part of things. He did also say, though, that she still struggles with being separated from BM, which is an issue that stems back to BM walking away from her at 2 years old, & was compounded when BM told them she was terminal with cancer. According to her claim, she should've been dead around Christmas of 2004, I believe.

DH told SS that there are stipulations to him living with us. He'll be expected to get a PT job so he can cover his car insurance & keep gas in his vehicle. He made it clear that the rules & expectations that existed when he was in our home before still exist, & being SS still has his senior year of HS to complete, if he's enrolled in BM's school district for his senior year, that's where he'll live. If he wants to continue to live in our home, he'll be enrolled in our district, & he'll be expected to attend school every day. Education is one thing that DH doesn't let up on. It's something you MUST have in order to make it in the real world. He also let him know that our home will not be used as blackmail device to get his way with BM. He's angry with her so he wants to live with us. If he gets angry with DH & decides to go back to her, he won't have the option to come back to stay with us again.

It's been years of bullshit, & he FINALLY told her he's had enough.