Are we expecting to much of a four yr old
So FDH and I expect SD4 and a half to dress her self. We pick the out fit with her and she gets dressed. To eat all her dinner, which isn't a lot, by the time were done. We cook her food give it to her then cook ours to sit down and eat. And to have basic manners at the very least 60% of the time.
She is rude 99.9% of the time hides food all over the kitchen drawers cabinets, once even in my suit case! Crys saying she can't she hates the shirt and it's stupid. Hits FDH for not helping. Screams bloody murder when it's not her way, if the tv isn't on all hell brakes loose. What's normal this isn't new to her. Been about a year they were only together for year 1 and 3 of her life. It was t even a full year when she was three about 7 months.
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Should it still be this bad
Should it still be this bad at a year after there 2nd separation? Shes good at BMs house and MILs our house is the only place she acts like this. We are the oh house hold with rules. She said and I quote I don't like your house cause you make me eat and clean and get dressed I only like my regular house with my mommy I want to be with her all the time.
How does she act in her BM
How does she act in her BM house? Does she do the same things?
My SD went through the same things and I think some of the advice here is really good. You do need to work with her and also not put up with her putting food around the house. When is she doing this? I would assume you are not in the room and I am not saying anything bad about it because I leave SD at the table to finish all the time but when she was 4 I noticed she would put her dinner in the bin then it was the toilet and I jumped on it really quick and watched her from a far to make sure it didn't happen again. She still doesn't have to eat all her dinner with she is with BM but she is at an age now she knows "OUR" rules and then her BM 's rules or lack of.
Another personal fav is the naughty corner, they have to look at the wall, it works well at that age.
Best of luck
I would say no, in my 2nd
I would say no, in my 2nd marriage I had a 5 yr old ss. He could dress himself, feed himself, and for the most part was potty trained (he still didnt clean up very well). when I came into his life it was very sudden, his mom just abandoned him and I moved in to help his dad since he had no family in town. His dad and I were dating before that, but i was not involved with ss much. So i would say that your sd needs to learn some of those skills.
Maybe mom just has different
Maybe mom just has different rules/routines. Perhaps she has an eat until you're full rule instead of a clean your plate rule. Maybe at mom's house eat as a family instead of the child eating alone. Maybe mom cooks the same food for everyone. At that age some kids can dress themselves. Kids do not develop at the sae pace. Some kids will only have success if the clothes are items without buttons, snaps, laces or zippers.
She wants attention.Instead
She wants attention.Instead of cooking her meal first then yours just wait and serve all meals together.Then you guys can sit together with her and make dinner interesting.I think a good idea would be to sit with her in the morning and talk to her while she gets dressed just to let her know you're there.
I used to sit for a kid like this and once I adjusted a little bit he became a whole different child.The good part was it didn't have to be that way all the time.Once he got it into his head that i was there he became more independent and willing to do things I wanted him to do.
Ooops
Ooops
4 1/2?? Cant dress herself?
:jawdrop: 4 1/2?? Cant dress herself? were not talking about tieing her shoes.....just putting on her clothes for Christ's sake!
Sounds like you have a positive situation with FDH being on board...That is 1/2 or more of the battle.....FDH and you need to set limits/rules and BOTH of you calmly explain to SD that she is a big girl now and these are things a big girl does....dont be overly critical...challange her to show you both how grown up SD is...at the same time set up a reward system (VERY VERY VERY important that SD sees that her DOD (dear ole dad) is fully on board with these rules and expectaions of her!!)...stars on a chart or something very visual is a good one... with a "reward" when x number of stars are earned....little ones this age like this type of praise and they learn a sence of acomplishment. Focus on the positive behavior WAY more than the negative... When she behaves badly (per the rules)send her for a time out and say no more right then...dont dwell...let her cool down...when time out is up just try a simple statement of "wow SD you could have earned points for following our rules....It's a shame you chose not to show us how a big girl acts"....AND MOVE ON!! you may see a dramatic improvement...SD may be looking for the "shock and awe" reaction that she is getting now when she is rude and such but when IT ends so will her tantrums...This is how I raised my BDs and it worked very well....they were dressing themselves well before 4 1/2! They laugh now about how I would so calmly say..."wow I thought you were being a big girl" and say how hard they wanted to prove they were big girls...
**Note I was not so successful with my SD13 (raised her from 3 1/2yr old) so Im only giving examples of what I did with my Bio Daughters...and please note that I DID NOT have DH's backing with my SD!! (DH was always in fear of the BM and her reaction of having another woman set rules for her child...all changed when the judge told BM/DH that she was a vendictive woman who was jealous of another woman caring for her child which included limits and rules and to get over it!!...These are the exact words the judge said...Judge also said that I was "a stable fair woman...she was not"!!) So no matter what I tried with SD she KNEW I did not have the backing of her DOD....His backing didnt happen until DH got a slap in the face from the judge and the therapist and was told YOU DH are the reason this SD is so rude and hard to deal with...no limits and no enforcement of the rules = brat!! so it didnt work with her....:( If I only knew then what I know now!!!!!!!
Hmm...I have a 4 1/2 year old
Hmm...I have a 4 1/2 year old girl. She will be 5 next month in June. My daughter can dress herself completely, brush her teeth (with assistance in making sure she gets every tooth) she can wash herself, wipe, etc. But, I do have issues with her eating all her dinner. I have found that when she complains it's too much, I let her excuse herself from the table, but I explain that if she gets hungry then her dinner will be waiting. I honestly believe that you and your DH should be eating dinner WITH her, it really helps children when a family eats together. Even if you choose to make her something different, you should time the meals so all of the meals are ready at the same time. This is what I do in my home.
I'm sorry, but your SD sounds as though shes just acting out. You and your DH need to set boundaries, rules and have consequences for her actions. Timeouts, no t.v, no ds, no video games..All these work well for a child this age.
You can not allow her to continue this behavior, it will only get worse. I'm sure she is still upset about her parents break up, but it has been enough time for her to cope with her feelings. If you feel she is still not handling the seperation very well then you and your DH should get her into some type of counseling to help her manage her stress or feelings.
We do eat with her. Ours
We do eat with her. Ours always just takes a little longer to cook. She gets it none spicy then we add the spicy for us and sit down and eat so 5 min top she eats alone but I am
Already at the table with her. We finish before her talk for about 20 min and she is still not done she chews each bite for about 10 min no matter what it is. Her baby sister that is 1 and a 1/2 there b day is three days apart! Eats more and faster like two to three times more so i know were not feeding her to much. We have to tell her to take a bite. She is all about princess ao we tell her big girl princesses eat good you want to be a big girl princess don't you and nothing works.