I made it through a rough weekend of...

1) Taking a constantly crying FSD3 to the zoo.
2) Meeting my father's first serious GF post-Mom. I was way less anxious about meeting HER first serious BF post-Dad.
3) Introducing constantly crying FSD3 to my father and his GF, who's not a huge fan of kids to begin with, let alone the sobbing ones.
4) Crying for an hour long car ride by myself because my Dad REALLY loves his new GF and I'm having trouble reconciling that to my filial loyalty to my mother and my divorced-kid fantasies that they would get back together (which, in my defense, were briefly entertained by both Mom and Dad for four years after the divorce).
5) Conquering my fear of FDH's family by upstaging Grandma in FSD3's affections for two hours during Easter Sunday (go team Jewish Girlfriend). I even got FFIL to warm up to my "strict" parenting after FSD tantrum'd at him when he told her to cleanup after herself, but did it for me with a single glance because she KNOWS her butt would be in timeout so fast if I have to repeat myself more than twice.
6) Watching FSD3 demoralize her father by screaming "Don't WANT you, want Mommy. Want Miss Know It All. Not YOU. I don't LIKE you." all last night while getting ready for bed. I think the worst moment was when she came out of the bedroom and proudly told me "I made Daddy cry." Damn right she got a timeout. For bullying. Because when you say something that hurts somebody's feelings more than once, that's exactly what you're doing and we do not allow bullies at our house.
7) And waking up to her vomiting and still screaming at her father in a fever haze this morning...

Only to find myself most fixated on the fact that FDH has to do the custody exchange with the ex today in person (because FSD3 stayed home sick from daycare) and I won't be there. I HATE it when he sees his ex. It makes me irrationally jealous. And I haven't figured out a healthy way to deal with it yet.

Besides, you know, coming here to vent.

UPDATE:

Continuing the vent.

He DID see her today, but DID NOT give back FSD3. So she sat at his house and played with her daughter and then left. Because he's keeping the kid home from school tomorrow and she couldn't afford to take the day off work, so he said he'd do it and blah, blah, blah...

Bottom line -- I'm pissed. I hate, hate, hate that he still sees her, thinks of her, talks to her, has anything to DO with her at all. And it's not because I fear him going back to her, oh no. It's because he's always in a LOUSY, SELFISH mood after seeing her. He says things that make me angry, disparaging PAS type things that I think he needs to NEVER say while his daughter is in his house (even if she IS passed out in another room). Stuff like, "I'm just waiting for her to die, going off to live in [neighborhood he thinks is gang central], where I don't want my kid to live. After that happens, my kid'll be all mine."

Yeah, I know a bioparent might think those things quite frequently post-divorce. I think even non-parents think that about ex-lovers, although they don't have the "all mine" clause. I just think if he's ACTIVELY having those thoughts, he's are NOT over his ex and shouldn't be dating. Especially when the person he's dating is in love with him and his little girl. Talking like that makes me feel alienated and obsolete, like I have no role in this three act drama he cast himself and his ex in except for the bit parts of "chick I met on a dating site," "best shag I ever had," and "nanny."

*sigh*

I guess I really wanted to hear that he was glad to see me this weekend. That he'll see me again soon. That he loves me. That I'm good with his kid.

He didn't say any of that tonight. He just talked about his ex.

*End vent*