Ugh. This is a difficult one!! I know that for me, my distaste for SS is due to the way he was raised. And the type of person he is turning out to be. BUT…that is TOTALLY DH and BM’s fault, so I look past a lot of the annoyances.

I always feel shame, when SS does something and it just grates on my last nerve, but my son could do the same thing, and I think it is funny. (does not happen often cause they are SOOO different). That always makes me mad at me! Lol. But not for long. SS does not see it so no harm, no fowl. Good question.

"one of the responders tried to explain that children will be children and that it seems like most SMs dislike the skids and are annoyed by what they do just because of the fact that they are skids."

I find the theory that SMs don't like them only because they are Skids hard to swallow. I personally care deeply for and like one Skid but not the other, and I've read many, many posts here where that is the case. So this supports that some individuals are just not as likeable.

I think you've really nailed it. This is a great post. Control/power and the difference in the SO/DH when the skids are around. It really makes things hard. Then you just end up not liking it when the skids are even around because they change everything.

I am in total agreement with you. I don't feel like a bad person. I actually moved to another state and into DH house so that the SD (age 10) wouldn't have to make any changes. Sometimes I feel annoyed that I did this and maybe it wasn't fair to me?

I agree that I get upset from the lack of power that I thought I would have. Not that SD is a bad skid, but I am use to having my way because I never had kids. Now I have to work around her, help do HER homework, pick HER up from school, try to make HER happy, make things to eat that SHE likes. Just last night I walked in the door from work and was told that her snacks taste "stale". No "hello" nothing.

I see a difference in how I handle my nieces vs. my SD. I have been with my nieces since they were born. I also feel a connection to them and not to my SD. I wonder if it isn't jealousy that I wish she was my bio and not my step.

I feel sorry for SD because her mother left her and went out of state and she doesn't see her with the exception of summers and Christmas. However, I get disturbed about how she was raised being in several different households (grandmother, DH sister, friends) while DH worked. Now she doesn't want to stay with us... always wants to stay somewhere else overnight and that makes me feel like I am not a good mother. Sometimes I feel like the DH doesn't want her either and happy to get her out of the house.

Sorry for the rant. To answer your question, I think what makes it harder to like them is because they are not part of you or your lifestyle and unless you can bond with them, they will be somewhat of an inconvenience in your life. I have almost completed a year of being a stepparent so I am just giving my thoughts.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you say a lot of the annoyance comes from the fact that step parents don't have the power to change the situation like they would if was their own child. They never chose to have the skid but happen to love that child's parent, therefore having no choice but to accept the child and other bio parent in their lives if they want to be with the person they love. For some this may not be a problem if the other bio parent is reasonable and the child doesn't have any behaviour issues, but if your SO is a guilty parent, the other parent creates difficulties and/or the skids have behaviour problems it can be hell. Having no choice or control, and having other people who are not connected to you influencing your life/restricting what you do or where you live/affecting your finances is a very powerful thing which places a great deal of stress and frustration on those having to deal with it every day.

My dh has full custody of his 3 kids with bm having visitation. Their behaviour, while not half as bad as it once was, still causes me great annoyance because I know if they were my own children they would never have behaved that way. Their bm is a nasty, maniuplative control freak and I hate the feeling that she is being brought into my home through the kids behaviour. I know they can't help being born to such a pathetic excuse for a mother, but I can't help compare them to my bd18, who also had a rough time as a kid with her abusive dad but has never behaved as badly as the skids. I also can't help resent my dh at times for breeding with such a horrible woman. Many step parents, including myself, see what bio parents don't see, as we're not as emotionally attached and can see through manipulation/sneaky behaviour a mile away and that causes huge frustration. I'm lucky that dh is fairly good on discpline and doesn't let them get away with much, though there are times he seems oblivious to their manipulation and it does get on my nerves There is no way I could ever love my skids like I love my own daughter butI think this is natural and I have stopped feeling guilty about it as I know it will never happen.

From my point of view, I feel like this other woman who has nothing whatsoever to do with me has given birth to 3 kids, screwed them up with her crap parenting and now I'm going to have to suffer the consequences of her disgusting behaviour forever just because I happen to love their dad dearly and want to be with him for life - and I think that is the root cause of many step parents frustration.

My son has a friend who is a pain in the backside. He rules the roost in his (intact) family. His parents both travel a lot for work, and I can assume that's why they guilt parent the way that they do - very permissive. I get on very well with the parents but they seem to give the boy a lot of power. He's a sweet kid at heart but he's used to calling the shots in his own home with his own parents and therefore, given his limited life experience (he's 10), he probably just thinks this is how life is. So, when he comes to our house, he expects to be able to do the same. He was really amazed that my son has to ask permission to use the computer, perhaps in his home he has free access, that's just one example. My DH also finds his way of being extremely challenging. I can't tolerate having this kid for a sleepover - he is so disruptive to our family. This kid would be a nightmare skid - possibly even worse than mine were when they were that age!!! So not only do you get to experience the general irritations of sharing your living space with someone else's kids, these kids also DO NOT WANT YOU THERE because your presence means that their parents are no longer together. And as many of us have experienced, they step up a bit of a hate campaign against you, overtly and covertly, and in the end it breaks you down quite a lot.

Awesome post !!!

I would agree that it's a power thing. and a lack of control of the siutation.

I have recently been stopping and asking myself when SD annoys or irritates me "If my kids were doing that would it annoy me?".

Sometimes the answer is NO so I reprimand myself and move on as best I can ackowledging that past resentment is clouding my perception of this incident.

Sometimes the answer is YES. BUT I WOULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT WERE IT MY OWN KID ! This is the source of most of my resentment. DH doesn't parent and I feel resentment toward him because he is creating a monster of a child. SD gets away with things that I don't allow my kids to do and I feel resentment toward her for that.

Sometimes the answer is YES and DH steps up and calls her on it or reprimands her. I can easily move on and my annoyance is all but gone. This is a kids will be kids moment and daddy handled it. Life is as it should be. We definately need more of these times.

I am sending this thread to DH to read !

Dealing with other peoples kids is a nuisance. If you see your own child doing something bad you can easily pluck them on the head or pull their ear or curse them out. You can't do that to a Skid. There are certain boundaries that need to be kept. The dynamic in my home doesn't change much when SD10 is there because we have stopped catering to her every whim. The first thing she says when she walks in is "so what are we doing this weekend?" I just look at her and say "Nothing, like we do every time you are here." She'll just shrug her shoulders say "Ok" and walk away. I'll rent a DVD or let her watch an On Demand movie of her choice. Sometimes if I have plans I'll take her with me, or I'll arrange a play date for her. But I think the main reason most of us SM's have issues is because we feel that we can't really parent these kids as if they were our own because they aren't really ours.

I can't stand other peoples kids.If I had my own i'd probably not be able to deal with half their whining crap either.But then again i'm almost not a sm anymore so i don't think i count :?
It seems like a lot of women who weren't meant to have children end up being stepmoms.that's hard.

I think a lot of it has to do with how the skids were brought up.

I care deeply for both my skids. I feel like I was put into their lives for them to see how differently co-parenting can be depending on how willing the parents are to do what is in the best interest of the child(ren) versus using the kids as pawns in their personal vendetta.

NN was primary caretaker for most of the skids lives until him and BM broke up. Although he has changed his parenting style since then (becoming more of a Disney Dad in response to BM's PASing), my skids are still very well behaved and polite children.

This, I think, contributed to my fondness of them when they were young.