You are here

I NEED ADVICE... BADLY

duckqueen's picture

Submitted by duckqueen on Tue, 03/22/2011 - 1:59pm

I've been dating a Guy for a year now. Life with him Is amazing... Except his ex-wife. Oh she down right hates me and tries everything she can think of to push me away. From lying to his family to lying to my bf about me. She has gone as far as pulling up my police record to stalking my fb. Any advice about this will help.

Comments

newmom01's picture

Submitted by newmom01 on Tue, 03/22/2011 - 2:08pm

:jawdrop: RUN
RUN
RUN ......DO they have children together? If yes, RUN FASTER!!!

Not kidding, read all the other stuff on here, we are all going through it...... PLEASE take the advice ....even if he is a good guy your life will be very difficult with the kids and her ...because remember the kids are not going anywhere and neither is she! Sad

newmom01's picture

Submitted by newmom01 on Tue, 03/22/2011 - 2:09pm

Look at the advice lola just gave you......its only been a year and you have to do all that ......RUN baby and don't look back

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Tue, 03/22/2011 - 2:20pm

ok, wait.... I may not be of the popular opinion here, but here goes...

I am assuming that your BF has a child with this woman which has led you to Step Talk.

You say that she pulled up your "police record"....I'm wondering why you have a "police record" and how she would know this?? If my DH and I split and he had a new girlfriend that I found questionable for any reason whatsoever, you can be damn skippy that I would be doing a background check as well. And how do you know that she is stalking your FB?? If it bothers you then block her!

Maybe I misunderstood your post or there is some logical explanation that I am missing here??

balancingact's picture

Submitted by balancingact on Tue, 03/22/2011 - 2:31pm

Make him deal with her. We have problems at my house too, but thankfully my husband deals with his crazy ex, and I deal with my ex. It's understood and it works so far.

duckqueen's picture

Submitted by duckqueen on Tue, 03/22/2011 - 2:34pm

There's more to this story. Yes he has a 2yr old with her. That's awesome. But I'm not allowed around her till she meets me. OK I understand that. I have given her multiple chances but she wont. I have a minor background but they are mistakes I've learned from. I'm by no means shy about it. But if I feel she needed to know I'd tell her. I have tried to confront her but she twisted my words and made it worse.

balancingact's picture

Submitted by balancingact on Tue, 03/22/2011 - 2:40pm

My advise is just wait. If you are going to continue to be in this realtionship, then you will eventually have to be around the child. Don't confront her, don't make waves. Just sit back, enjoy your time with your BF and wait.

duckqueen's picture

Submitted by duckqueen on Tue, 03/22/2011 - 2:46pm

Its hard to enjoy it. If she even has a suspicion we're leaving town she'll call and pull some bull out. Or on date night. I've enforced the no phone rule. Well that doesn't work. If she can't get whole of him on the personal phone she'll call his work cell and back and forth till he picks up.

balancingact's picture

Submitted by balancingact on Tue, 03/22/2011 - 2:59pm

If this is how it is now, do you think it's gonna get better? He needs to man up tell her to worry about that kid, not what you two do when your alone.

duckqueen's picture

Submitted by duckqueen on Tue, 03/22/2011 - 2:53pm

I did read it and I have been pretty quiet about the situation. But it never works. I've blocked her on fb which turned badly. She like a storm. All nice and shiney but its the quiet before the storm and when it hits its bad and nasty. She's convinced bf's sister inlawful I'm just no good.

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Tue, 03/22/2011 - 3:13pm

Well, you have a past. Accept it and walk with your head held high.

I find it very odd she can restrict meeting her daughter until she has met you first unless your BF gave her everything in the divorce.

How does she find out your plans? Your BF calls her and tells her?

And how does your BF's sister believe her and not you? Aren't you around them at all?

So she gets pissy about FB. So what? Defriend her! My sister behaved like a b1tch this weekend on FB from New Zealand and my daughter here defriended her. What does she do? Insist on having a window into your life? So she makes a fuss. So what?

And be with your BF and his fmaily as often as reasonably possible so they can see what you are REALLY like.

That is if you want this fiasco for the rest of your life.
I find it odd so many of the male partners on this site are so freaking wonderful and awesome but are unable to grow a backbone.

duckqueen's picture

Submitted by duckqueen on Tue, 03/22/2011 - 3:24pm

He has a backbone. But not when it comes to his child.. she knows that and plays chess with child. Hint that's how she gets her way. I appreciate the feedback I'm getting, its very useful.

About the plans. His mom takes care of dogs when we leave. Sister in law asks why, then runs off and tells bm

VioletsareBlue's picture

Submitted by VioletsareBlue on Tue, 03/22/2011 - 4:37pm

She text back immediately "Please don't take my babies." :sick:

DHs ex did this (she added, "they are my life") when all the shit went down last december and he told her he was getting a lawyer and will go for full custody. Nothing changed ... he followed through. Made me sick when she said that.

duckqueen's picture

Submitted by duckqueen on Tue, 03/22/2011 - 3:31pm

I'm very stubborn. I refuse to go anywhere I feel uncomfortable. His parents know me. I'm around them a lot. Sister in law invites bm to family functions.

duckqueen's picture

Submitted by duckqueen on Tue, 03/22/2011 - 3:42pm

Mother caught on to bmgames. Sil on the other hand plays games with bM. This whole situation is a mess. Maybe I'm too young to deal with it all. I've never been married and if this is how it goes. I don't want to either.

duckqueen's picture

Submitted by duckqueen on Tue, 03/22/2011 - 3:50pm

Auteur here's the thing I run now, she'll have the upper hand on all this. I'm not one to run from things. That's how a coward is made.

duckqueen's picture

Submitted by duckqueen on Tue, 03/22/2011 - 4:03pm

It is mentally abusing. I know that one really well. For once I'd like to think that if she'd just move on and bug her first exh and leave me out of everything it might be OK.

Unhappy's picture

Submitted by Unhappy on Tue, 03/22/2011 - 5:03pm

You are dealing with a stalker. What you need to do is:

1.) Have your BF state in a very assertive way to his EX that he is not interested in her, has no intentions of ever being with her again, and that she needs to stop contacting him unless it's child related. That's it. No more. No arguing, trying to explaine anything, or going into detail as to why he feels this way. Keep it short and sweet.

2) Now this is the hard part for your BF. All calls go to voice mail. Once the voice message has been left listen to it. If it's an emergancy, call her back. If it's kid related send her a text. If it's neither of the two mentioned above DO NOT RESPOND.

She may call and call and call. The only thing that your BF is doing by answering the phone on the 20th call is letting her know that all she needs to do is call 20 times in order to get him to pick up.

Here is some info that might sound familiar.

SIMPLE OBSESSION STALKERS had a personal or romantic relationship before the stalking behavior began. Simple obsession stalkers represent 70 to 80% of all stalking cases. Characteristics include:

Personality disorders.
Emotional immaturity, jealousy and extreme insecurity.
Inability to succeed in relationships by socially-accepted means.
Dominating and intimidating victims in order to bolster own self-esteem.
Biggest fear is losing the victim.
Believing their lives have no worth without the victim.
Turning to violence in order to control every aspect of the victim's life.

The reason why I know this works is because my SO's EX is a stalker. It will take some time for her to figure it out. It took our crazy ex almost a year. But your life will get better. She may threaten taking away the kid. But keep one thing in mind, she can not with hold visitation unless it's stated in the CO. And she has to prove that your BF is incapable of being a parent in order to get full custody. I would also recomend that you do some research about stalkers and share what you find with your BF.