No it is not the fake it till you make it - even though many bioparents would be up in arms about this next comment - I am going to make it anyway.

I correct my SS yes you heard me - children really want structure and discipline and someone they can rely on and usually if you are there for them in these avenues they equate that with love - when I married DH we had very little money so the whole buying SS the world was not an option but putting him in school sports (which BM who did not work when she lived with DH did not like to do - took too much time away from her boyfriends and going to the gym) so the first time he ever played organized sports was with us, not letting him get away with anything, making sure he got good grades and staying on top of him to make sure he was doing all of this work, if I said I would do something he knew he could trust me more than his parents and that if I said I would be there, do it, - that it would get done - since I am adopted and noone in my family was blood I just have different feeling on the subject.

When I had DD - I made sure that SS still had time with his Dad and then sometimes it would just be the three of us - hard to say why he thinks I love him but he does - I think maybe that his mother at the age of 9 sent him 700 miles from her to go live with his dad because she wanted to be a single woman might have put his faith in his mother on shaky ground - I really don't love him but once I said to him - You know I love you as much as your sister and he said "I know mom" He also asked to call Mom the day after we got married and I told him he could because I knew that he would be away from his mother and even though he tried to act like a little adult he was just 9 and he needed a mother figure.

Also I kept him young as long as I could and I don't mean the pee the pants type of young but age appropriate things like movies, games, internet, TV, music never discussed things that adults talk about when he was around - see he was an only child so his parents let him be part of the decision making process and I would not - he was a child and he needed to do what we said and not to have a voice in our decisions (his mother called him her little man and both of them called him buddy - see I was not his friend - I was him mother and he understood that right from the get go that when I made a decision that was final and no he did not have a choice kids really want that - they don't want to be adults before their time but in this society they are forced into it so young) but once he wanted to see a horror movie and I said no and he said my mother would let me see it - so we rented the movie (I knew he would be so afraid that we might be able to see 5 minutes of it) well 75 seconds into the movie he told me to turn it off and I turned to him and said "Now do you think I know you and what is best for you" and again he said "Mom I don't know how you knew I could not see that movie but yeah I guess you do know what is best for me"

I also stayed on top of him regarding any music, TV, movies he watched, magazines, the internet - I guess I was just a mother like the way my mother was mother (God rest her soul) She was just so wonderful and taught us how to become responsible members of society and knew what children needed not wanted by needed and I act like her - I truly hope she is looking down from heaven and proud by what she see me doing. I just parented like my parents and let my SS see that I loved his father and I wanted what was best for the family. His parents had fought for about 2 1/2 years and were sleeping in separate rooms for about a year before the separation so he did not have a good idea of what a loving relationship should be - things starting going bad for his family when he was about 6 - so he really can't remember much of his parents being loving to each other - very sad if you ask me and now his mother dates a married man but to cover she tell SS that she dates so many men - yet again another bad example of a relationship - so at least he knew that I loved his father and he thinks I love him - I truly try to love him and maybe when he stops acting like a mini-bm and gets a thought of his own that will change who knows I am not worried about it - he thinks I love him - he trusts me and that is all that matters.

Snarky much as it sounds totally crazy - they love discipline and structure - kids crave it actually they just don't know it!! It is a subconscious thing - if they have a routine then kids will be okay - it is hard when they go back and forth but if you keep it structured at your home then they will look to your home as the safe haven and really as parents that is what you want - now I will say that your DH has to be on board and I told DH before we got married that if SS came to live with us I was allowed to correct him and discipline him or it would not work and he agreed - we are a united front above all else and it makes a huge difference!!

Cenrok - don't mistake my package deal like you have to suck it up to the SD - that package deal comment was totally tongue in cheek - I mean that you love your BF and he has a daughter but you are marrying him not the daughter - now read blog above and if your BF would be on board about the discipline then you could make a difference maybe in this child's life - don't know the BM situation and that is the tricky part.

If you truly love him then keep the situation the same for as long as you can and if and when he wants to marry maybe you can hold him off for 3 years then you will only have 5 years with the SD but your BF has to be a united front with you not with his daughter against you - will never work.