I'm not really asking those questions of anyone out there because I don't really believe anyone can make that call for OR about me. Anyway, It's just something I've been pondering, especially of late.

Well actually, there is no point in going against my grain and being passive aggressive here. Totally not my style. There are some who believe that since I am not married to my SO, because I am childless, and because I do not have a relationship with my SO's kids, that anything I say is 'ignorant' and lacking in 'experience.' Indeed, I have a unique situation. I will be the first to admit it, and actually did so in my first blog here. While I understand that my situation is a unique one, I do not believe it precludes me from adding my opinions or support. After all, we are ALL merely expressing our thoughts and opinions about issues that we either have personally, or someone close to us has. In my case, my SO. Because I am with him, his issues do indeed become MINE.

I have been with my SO nearly 9 yrs now. Through the semi-good, the bad and the horrendously ugly. I have been his biggest cheerleader, defender, and supporter. I have also been the punching bag to a psychologically disturbed BM and PAS'd kids. Not unlike many of you here.
*For the record, (because I have noticed there seems to be a lot of speculation concerning this topic in general) I was NEVER the Mistress. There was absolutely NO reason (other than BM's own mental instability) for her cruel and damaging behavior.
BM left SO for a man she had been cheating with. She walked out and left her husband & children behind, and it was not her first time doing so. The difference is, SO didn't take her back when she was ceremoniously dumped 1 yr. later, (when her mask fell). That was their pattern. SO finally chose to break it once and for all. I was the 2nd woman he dated. BM managed to drive off the woman before me with her psycho stunts. Maybe I should have run too. Hindsight really is 20/20.

Initially the BM came at me personally. The following is only a small sample of BM's actions....

1) She physically attacked me in a restaurant.
2) She enlisted the help of a hacker and broke in to my email accounts (both personal and professional) and sent the most horrifying messages to e/1 in my address books, (family, friends, co-workers, clients, etc.)
3) She got hold of my cell phone number and began a torrent of the most vile and vulgar VM's that I have ever heard... to this day.
4) She waged a smear campaign against me that was so vicious, I was nearly fired from my job.
5) Late one night, she actually gained access to SO's home and was found naked in his bed by SO's father (who had seen some shadowy figure and decided to check it out.) She actually called and me a VM telling me where she was and that SO and her were together.
6) The word WHORE was scratched in to my car.
*The entire list is too extensive to share here.

Because most of what she did could not be proved in a criminal case, there were little to no consequences for her. The one charge of attempted assault I could have gotten her on.... SO stepped in and asked me to drop it to protect the kids from seeing their mother hauled away in handcuffs. Stupidly, I dropped the charge. I did however get an RO against her.
With no avenue to harass me herself, she began to use the kids to do her dirty work. Almost immediately, the barrage of calls came. All from 'Private' numbers. I only answered the first one b/c I thought it was a client. It was his oldest D. Crying, ranting, and raving asking me why I stole their daddy, why I broke up their family, etc. I hung up immediately and called SO. While talking to him, I must have gotten 30 or 40 calls, all from his children and many with hateful little VM's attached. SO called BM and demanded she stop putting the kids in the middle of her twisted drama. That's when they turned on him...
"You don't love us anymore."
"You are choosing HER over us."
"We're going to kill ourselves if you and mommy don't get back together."
"We will never see or speak to you again."
"You are dead to us."
"We will kill that woman." (They were 9 and 14 at the time)

They began to refuse visitation with him. Instead of forcing the issue which he should have done. He allowed them (BM) to control his life and theirs. I walked away for a few months b/c of all the stress and b/c I was losing respect for SO. I didn't totally abandon him though. I started researching everything I had seen, heard, or been pulled in to. Enter those 3 little letters.... PAS. I sent everything I could find (including the number of a specialist) on PAS to SO. He sent all of that to his lawyer.

SO and I did get back together but, we kept it to ourselves for fear of making the situation worse. By this point, it was either SO will go back to BM or she was going to keep making his life hell. It was during this time that SO confided to me, (things that still make me shudder) about BM's behaviors. All the dark and twisted things she had done over the years. Things I will not elaborate on, here. Then he told me about his fears about his D.... that she was the mirror image of BM emotionally/mentally. Again, I researched everything I could find that sounded like the behaviors SO had told me about. I made the connection in a few short months. Both BM and D suffer from a PD (Personality Disorder.) (This was a full 3.5 yrs before D was formally Dx'd with said 'PD.') With my research in hand, we were slowly learning how to deal within all of the insanity.

SO sought out and successfully obtained a NO Contact order via the courts. This alone slowed BM down quite a bit and basically forced her to find a new target. To do that, she would have to push the kids she so perfectly PAS'd against SO.... back on to SO. (She needed HER time to HUNT.) SO took the opportunity to begin the deprogramming of his kids.. I'd give him a 60% passing grade on this. Only b/c in the interim, he became more of a guilty-daddy. He is getting better about it but, he still has huge backslides at times.

Eventually, the kids wanted to meet me, to talk to me, to apologize for the things they had said and done. Knowing what type of PD the BM has, I declined. With so much progress, why would I want to put them back in the line of fire? How could I and still live with myself? I did however, accept a phone call from them. They did apologize and I expressed my sadness that things had turned out so badly for all of us. I explained that I thought it best that we wait to meet each other until they were both old enough to make their own adult decisions. I let them both know that I had no plans on taking on anymore of a role in their lives than they were comfortable with. By this point BM was eerily quiet, I assume b/c she needed a built in babysitter (SO and his family) while she was busy finding a new meal ticket. Funny how that works, isn't it?

*BM did find another idiot to marry her. She left a VM on SO's phone the night before her wedding, giving him one last chance to 'get back the family, he so callously threw away." Nope, he had enough of crazy. I doubt new Hubby even knows about this. (sic)

From time to time, the BM still rears her ugly head and creates chaos. Only as much as we allow though. More often than not, I stay one step ahead of her and know when it's coming. SO will joke that I must have a crystal ball or something. I just tell him this... Once you figure out a persons patterns, it's very easy to foresee what's coming next. I learned that from all the extensive research I have done in an effort to help my SO and his kids over the last 9 yrs.

Anyway, this is just a sample of my back story. These are some of my reasons for being here. Maybe I shouldn't be, according to some. Who's really to say.
I decided to do this blog b/c, while I feel no desire or need to defend my being here to ANYONE, I wanted to send a message that we shouldn't really make assumptions unless and until we actually KNOW a persons story. Maybe I wanted to remind everyone including myself, that we should show more tolerance to each other. IDK.

For privacy reasons, I will be deleting portions of this blog after today. I do so out of respect for my SO's wishes and feelings. Neither of us want to restart a war that was so difficult to contain.
Should anyone decide to comment, please know that ALL negativity will be deleted.
If you took the time to read this, thanks, lol.