I know this has been asked before, but how do you cut ties with someone that you love? God I love my H, but I am so over this marriage because of what it has done to me as a person (killed my self-esteem) and how I feel about marriage based on this experience (that marriage is so OVERRATED and NOT my "cup 'o tea".)

Anyway, I have been having a very hard time trying to convince my H that this marriage is over and I am ready to go our separate ways. I have said almost everything I can say by now (EXCEPT my not wanting to host his eow visits with SD anymore) and I am at a loss. I want this split to be as amicable as possible because I do love H and I want to start our co-parenting situation off on the right foot - I am even willing to give him things that are rightfully mine (he's paid for basically NOTHING in my house) to help him get started again in his own place to facilitate this. However, unfortunately in a moment of weakness I think I may have set my efforts back several paces, maybe even to square one. I really longed to be close to H and I showed him a little affection and ended up having sex with him the other day after months of no contact. Needless to say I sure that sent H the signal that "everything is OK", as all of a sudden H was back to trying to kiss me yesterday. Well, I felt SO GUILTY about this because really nothing has changed for me, so then I went to the other extreme of trying to avoid contact with him yesterday, so I know he is confused, as he kept asking me "what's wrong?" UGH! Someone please help me - I need to know what to do next?! The truth is (as I told H in one of our divorce conversations), I liked us as a couple much better before we lived together/were married, so honestly I think it was the mere thought of him LEAVING that made me feel closer to him and want to be affectionate and intimate with him. Crazy, huh? Should I tell him that? I dunno...

On a separate note, I thought I had made headway during SD weekend last weekend. I left H with the kids and went out for dinner and drinks with my sister for the FIRST TIME SINCE H & I MARRIED, and it felt SO GOOD! It's a shame because my sister and I used to be really close before I had a child and our lifestyles became so different that we drifted apart. But now that my sister has a child of her own, I feel us becoming closer again, as she even admitted to me that she looks to me as somewhat of a 'parenting mentor' because I'm such a good mother (awww - I love her!), but sadly we live only about 5 miles away from each other and barely spend any time together because I NEVER get a break from H and the kids! So anyway, I guess H viewed my choice to spend time with my sister vs. him & the kids (especially with SD there which is when it's most important to him that we be a "family" (Gag!), as a signal that I was serious, and he started to pack up some of him things Sunday! Of course then I had to go and have sex with him this week and ruin all that progress, so I know I have no one to blame but myself for ending up 'here' again.

This has also been a wierd Facebook (FB) week. SD was posting interesting messages the entire weekend she spent with us last weekend. First, as I mentioned in a previous post, she insisted that H pick her up Friday night vs. on Saturday as had become the norm that past few months, so that already signaled something was up, but then that night she was posting about how bored she was, then how MAD she was right before her bedtime (I don't think she has a bedtime at BM's - especially on weekends.) The next day, she spent an unsual amount of time hanging out with BS6 in HER room (my guest room she stays in when she visits.) Usually she's in that room ALONE and UNSUPERVISED MOST of the weekends she is with us, but for someone reason she had BS6 in the room with her MOST of this past weekend watching cartoons, while she also posted status updates on FB saying she was hanging out with her little brother and how much she loved him. I don't have a problem with this - I thought it was very sweet, and I know BS6 ate it up because he is a very loving child, I'm just saying it was UNUSUAL (a FIRST) for SD - that's all. Normally when SD is not in the room by herself watching TV, talking on the phone, and surfing the net (typical pre-teen girl), she's typically trying to "mother" BS6 (read - order him around) and ratting him out (tattle-telling on him) when he doesn't do what she tells him to, so I guess I just found this whole weekend's interaction between them interesting is all, but in a GOOD way!

Finally, SD's BM sent me a friend request on FB this week! Now while I know that would freak many of you out that have "crazy" BMs, I really have never had any problems with the BMs in my situation as I always attribute any behavioral or parenting issues with my SKs to the parent they are in the custody of when I am around, namely my H, so I have no reason to concern myself with what goes on with BMs, and luckily BMs have never tried engage me either. So after a few days of debating, I went ahead and added BM as a friend, and then applied the same privacy restrictions I placed on SD so that she cannot see or comment on my or my friends' Status Updates on my wall, and they only have access to photo albums that include SD and my kids since my kids are SD's sibs, but they do NOT have access to any of my other albums.