A couple who does not grow together will most assuredly grow apart - Now a blog entry as requested.
Growth has to be together or it will be apart. This is a spin on my favorite Ben Franklin quote. "We all must hang together, or most assuredly we will hang separately". This was in reference to declaring independence from Great Britain.
A couple who does not grow together will most assuredly grow apart. My wife is not the woman I married. She is much much more. More beautiful, more accomplished, more mature, more sexy, more confident, more, more, more. I don't see my self as all that much different but I too am not the man she married. She does not think that she has changed all that much either. We changed together. Who we were when we married is the foundation of who we are now and what our marriage is now.
Unfortunately it seems that many marriages with Skids and actively manipulative Xs grow apart. Usually the partner that did not bring kids to the table seems to grow while the one with children does not.
This is why the MARRIAGE must be the priority and primary focus for both spouses/SOs regardless of who brought the Skids and how many they brought. This is also why I believe that upon marriage or a live in SO situation that the Sparent immediately must become an equity parent and an equity disciplinarian. If this does not happen then resentment will set in and in all but a very few exceptions this will ultimately end the marriage.
When the focus remains on the marriage the couple tends to address all things as a team. Parenting, housing, education, finances, Xs, etc..... This fosters growth for both individuals within the marriage and the marriage grows in a common direction for both partners.
If the X refuses to play nice with a spouse and work together in the best interest of the kids, then the message to that X has to be "Shut the fuck up and do what you are told". Both spouses have to be on board with this. No placating the X and never can the X be chosen over the spouse. No catering to the SKids and no allowing them to manipulate either partner in the marriage. If this means a trip to the wood shed for a good kid ass woopin so be it. Either spouse should be able to drag the kid to the woodshed by the ear when necessary whether they are a bioparent or stepparent.
I learned this lesson when I was a kid when it was made abundantly clear to me that I should never put either of my parents in the position of having to choose me over the other parent or me over my younger bro's. Mom and dad are a team and the kid benefits from that partnership but does not supercede the partnership .... EVER! All three of us boys took equal priority but as the oldest I should "know better" than to put myself in a situation of conflict with my baby bros.
In my own marriage I know of no other way to do it. My wife and I are a team. The kid benefits from the team but he is not core to the team. As for parenting .... I insisted on being an equity parent to my wife and the BioDad. PERIOD!!! I would tolerate nothing less. When it comes to discipline ..... if my wife does not like how I discipline SS then she better get it done before I have to.
Interestingly SS would rather have me be the one to discipline than his mom. She is miss "oh poor baby" with the Skid until it is time to discipline then she becomes the three headed shreaking hydra from hell and she rides his ass like he is a cheap carnival ride for days or even weeks. I address the problem, discipline and move on. I will revisit the issue if an adjustment is required but I do not follow him around giving THE look for weeks on end.
This is what works for me, and what I believe to be fairly common traits for couples in long term marriages who grow together, whether Skids are involved or not.
Good luck.
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Comments
Rags you are sooooo right! Dh
Rags you are sooooo right! Dh and I almost grew apart b/c of all this. When dh realized he might lose me b/c I was not the person he married anymore and he was stuck fighting with his ex, he talked to his mom. He told her that it was fine with him if we separated. She looked him in the eye and said "No it is not and you know it, you love her and you need to make this right" He didn't really listen til He found out I was making plans to leave. I couldn't take him keeping up with fighting with bm and letting his kids do what they wanted. I told him I have 2 kids that I have to take into account and for them to be around him and his boys were not doing them good.
Reality finally set in that I couldn't do it anymore and he changed. He started making his boys obey the same rules and he wanted top spend time with me instead of ignoring me when he had the boys. And everything else fell in place.
He told me that once he started doing those things his home is so much happier and so are his kids. It took a LONG time for this to happen. It has been almost a year now and I couldn't be happier.
His mom told him that she knew that he didn't want to let me go and that all he needed was a kick in the ass. LOL gotta love my MIL
Well said; perfectly said - I
Well said; perfectly said - I must have my DH read this - Thanks!!
I agree with you Rags.
I agree with you Rags. Growing up me and my brother were in the backseat and my mom and step dad were always first. This has made me the independent woman I am today. In the end it is the married couple who ends up together while the children hopefully grow up and have families of their own and the parents are in the back seat to them. It is all the circle of life, by apparently some parents don't see it this way.
I couldn't agree more! My
I couldn't agree more! My late husband and I were always a "united front". If one of us made a rule, the other backed it up. Our daughter (and her friends!) knew if we said "No" to something, we didn't mean "maybe". She knew exactly where the line was and knew NOT to cross it. When she got older, she knew she BETTER be home by curfew. Every minute she was late, she was grounded for a week. Came home five minutes late on one of her first ventures out as a "young adult". Was grounded for 5 weeks. We didn't mean 4 weeks either. We held it out to 5 full weeks. Consequently, she learned personal responsibility, went to college, married well, has a good job and can take care of herself. She and I have a wonderful relationship, too! (she didn't grow to HATE us because we loved her and made ground rules for her!)
DH, on the other hand, doesn't quite get the concept of "united front". His adult kids never had rules, and even when he did make a rule, he broke it himself. Once, when they were younger (before I came along), he told them if they got good report cards, they'd all go to Disneyworld. Well, of course, in the land of "Do Whatever You Want", they both had horrible report cards, but DH wanted to go to Disneyworld, so they went anyway. This is how they grew up, which is what makes them the lazy, entitled adults they are today. God forbid should I try to enforce even the simplest rule in the house (you know, take your shoes off at the door, be polite, show some respect to the adults). My only option was to disengage completely. DH doesn't like it, but I don't care. His kids are 24 and 26, and it's still not too late to put a "foot up their butt". When he starts to parent, I'll THINK about being part of his kids' life again.
DH has always put our
DH has always put our marriage at the top of the pile. We even went so far as to establish the rule .... If one of the kids (and we have 6 between us) wanted to borrow a sum of money over $25:00 they had to ask the step parent. This stopped the emotional drag on our finances. And all monies are to be repaid usually out of tax returns. My daughter ended up paying us $500 out of her last return.
It also helps when his mother said if the 2 of us ever split she will haunt us both be she alive or dead.
We found that putting our marriage before everything has had it problems. DHs older son didn't like 'our' rules and consequently ended up in jail and now a halfway house because his mother allowed him to make his own choices instead of being directed in socoally acceptable behaviours. His younger son is a delight as long as he stops damaging his father's car! My kids all respect and love their stepfather. YDD says he is the coolest.
I really like your point of
I really like your point of view on this subjet. In fact you replied to someones blog last week with something similar and I found it so interesting that I brought it up to my BF. He of course was not as appreciative of your advise as I was.
What I like the most about it is the idea that when all is said and done all the kids will eventually be gone and there will only be two people left. If the marrage was not put first over the kids, then when they're gone, how does it work after that? It may or it may not. And I also like the idea of it benifiting the kids as well.Seeing how a healthy relationship works.
I have to constantly tell my BF that it's okay if he doesn't drop everything he's doing to cater to both of his kids. If he's busy loading the dish washer and one of them wants a drink of water, make them wait. They're not going to die of dehydration in the five minutes that they have to wait. What I tell my BD(6) when she does that is, "does it look like I'm not doing anything at the moment?" The answer is usually no. And I respond with a, "well give me a moment to finish what I'm doing and I'll get you a glass of juice." For me it's pretty cut and dry. My BD will not grow up to think that when she says jump everybody will ask how high. That's not how life works. My BF is slowly catching on. I just wish he could see what you're saying beacuse I completely agree with you.
Thank you so much Rags! DH
Thank you so much Rags! DH is slowly coming around. He KNOWS you are right. He just has to convince himself that the marriage comes first - to get his priorities straight. You and this site have helped so much in making me stay strong and insisting that things must change or I will do what is needed to be happy.
This is amazing. I used the
This is amazing. I used the whole "team" thing with FH - If the coaches cannot agree during a play while the soccer game is going on the team will lose...it was a little more in depth than that but I can't remember the exact words...you hit the nail right on the head...this is exactly how it should be. amazing, thank you.