It is when the 4 days a month turn into 31 days of hell is when the problem arises.

Mine can't go to sleep at night without making something of this nature a 4 hour argument and conversation. Add in interference from a crazy ex-wife frequently and like me, a full time job and you have ZERO time. You'd be upset too.

Oh yes, and MY kid too....I can't ignore her needs even though she is also self-sufficent. She still needs me emotionally.

4 days a month? Try 20 days a month...next month it will be every day for the forseeable future.

So if you only have them 4 days a month think of the people who have them EVERY day. At least ya'll have a light at the end of the tunnel...lol

WE would love to have the skids more..but as CSA is tied directly to the amount of overnights per year you have the BM makes it difficult..plus she has massive control issues .
we have them eow and the oldest an extra night a week, 25 nights a year extra for holidays.
anymore than that and she loses ££ so any extra time asked is an automatic denial.

I agree with you in that it is hard to parent kids when you only have them four days a month. It's like swimming upstream against the current. I know, I've been the NCP SM too. I kept that fact in mind when discussing this issue with DH when he was NCP. I even stated it to him several times: "I know you only see the kids 4 days a month, but..."

I think everyone here knows it's hard to parent kids when you only have them 4 days a month. However, when these kids aren't parented, it seems like these guys don't care if their kids turn out to be rude people and/or criminals. Everyone is entitled to a peaceful home, including SMs. These kids will learn eventually that bad behavior isn't acceptable when they're with Dad and SM, even if it's only EOW. If Dad parents them appropriately, they'll at least act like semi-civilized human beings when they're around us, or in some cases, they might decide to stop coming over.

About the ex-wife: yes, they do need to keep in touch with our DHs but only about the kids. If they're not psycho, maybe the SM, DH and BM can be friends. I've seen it happen. But most of these women just do crazy stuff and show no signs of backing down unless someone will enforce boundaries with them.

Nobody is asking for overnight miracles. We're just trying to find a middle ground that's fair to BM, DH, skids *and* SM.

My skids are at my house EOWE Friday to Sunday. I count that as 3 days, as the lion's share of each day is spent with us. We get them each Wednesday as well. That works out to approx 10 to 11 days per month. Additionally, we have them for a week or two in the summer and a week or so at Christmas as well.

I too get annoyed when FDH lets them stay up late, because even though I know he doesn't have them that often, I still want an hour or two at the end of the day that is just ours, to unwind and reconnect after a long day with the skids. Maybe that sounds unreasonable, but I don't think kids having a bed time is really a bad idea.

I guess I see this and I don't see this. When DH and I got married, SD was 8 and it was 50/50 custody, so 15 to 16 days per month with SD. Even then, DH didn't want to "parent" her because he just wanted to be fun. BM didn't want to "parent" either because it was work. Good times!

Just after SD turned 11, BM moved an hour away and took her other two BDs but left SD with me and DH. So custody changed to 25 to 26 days per month with SD. DH still didn't want to "parent" because he was afraid if he did, SD would choose to go live with BM. DH didn't even ask for CS from BM, for the same reason. BM didn't want to "parent" because of how little time she had SD.

When SD was 15, she decided she'd rather live with BM and NEVER see DH again. So custody changed to 4 days per month with SD (on average). And she fought that, gradually reducing it, until it was zero. SD hasn't set foot in our house in nearly a year. DH no longer feels the need to "parent" because he has absolutely no say-so in SD's life. Instead, he likes to swoop in and "fix" things for her, like paying for her ticket when she got a minor in possession and helping with $1100 in car repairs (even though our primary vehicle is leaking and makes ominous noises when you turn corners). BM is ill-equipped to "parent," althought I think she does TRY. Her idea of "parenting" is to send SD to her friends' houses pretty much every weekend so she doesn't have to deal with the responsibility. Thus loosely supervised, SD is free to drink, do drugs, run around, steal, etc.

OK, sorry for the long diatribe. As you can see in my situation, it's less about the time and more about the character of the "parent."

"OK, sorry for the long diatribe. As you can see in my situation, it's less about the time and more about the character of the "parent."

Exactly. I do not want to deal with poor parenting because of another parent, on my only time off. No. Anyways, if these parents are so great, why do they send their children away on weekends? I wanted my kid on the weekend after the school week. I never knew the feeling of calling the other parent up who was literally paying me to babysit when they perhaps at one time wanted to be a parent? What is that like? What is it like to be able to stay at home and collect child support?

I have my BD all the time; her father is no where to be found!
and we have two more plus we have SD13 Full time now.

But I see what you mean about picking your battles. I always tell DH that; unfortunalty DH never picks any. It is always me doint the parenting. I am big on Lying to my face and brushing teeth and rooms and homework - the basics. I am happy if the kids are doing their best and just doing what they can. I am not too big on eating peas and carrots.......LOL

I think it just depends on what you see fit. No rights no wrongs

30days/mo except during 5wk summer visitation, 1wk winter and 1wk spring.

Then of course we have to deal with the pre visitation Cranio-Rectal flare ups and the post visitation detox which makes those months almost unbearably loooooooonnnngggggg!

It seems as if the Skid needs to prep for the hell of SpermLand before he goes and struggle with detox from their vitriolic crap when he gets home.

Thank God we don't have to deal with 4 days/mo or an EOW situation. Shudder!!!!!!! :O

I see your point...if you have no bios. We have rules for our bios and expectations of them. It wouldn't be fair if ss came in (if only 6 days a month) and the rules didn't apply to him just because he didn't live there fulltime. Also MOST months we have him eoweekend. However in the summer and TG or Christmas we get ss for extended time. So if there were no rules before and then we have an extended visit it would be really hard to implement rules all of a sudden.

For 1 1/2 years every day, before that and now, all but 4 nights/month and one overnight for Christmas. But the new CO BM has them for the entire month of July. Time to step up and be a parent, finally! But they have no rules at her house, stay up til 3am and party with their mom. She cooks them a meal and we have to hear about it for weeks (of course we get no credit for feeding them every day).

We have skids 4 days a month and sometimes 6 days and every other holiday. But yes dh treats it like he has them all the time and no favoritism. We do let the kids stay up on weekends and yes it used to bother only b/c his kids were so loud and I couldn't sleep. But once I left it to dh on a night that he had to work the next day he got it.

On one hand I see what you're saying by picking your battles when you only have them 4 days a month. That would be difficult. However, there should definitely be consistency in rules regardless of how many days a month you have the skids.

We have the skids about 12 days every 4 weeks.

I am starting to agree with those who feel that 50/50 arrangements are crappy for the kids. Sure, it's somewhat of a nice "idea" for everyone to have equal amounts of time, but it really does a number on the kids and their behavior issues. Our schedule rotates. We have SS3 Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, then the next week it's Wednesday, Thursday. So it's 6 days in 2 weeks, which isn't quite half time but just about. And because it's not one bulk of days together but instead it's random, it's hard to enact punishments. The next time the skids come over it's like they don't remember the rules at our house, because BM lets them get away with everything. It's at least 2 hours of "Stop screaming/use inside voices" and "You have to eat more of your dinner before you can play" and "don't talk back". It seems like it's a battle almost the whole night. But miraculously, the two times we have them 2 days in a row, the 2nd day is just fine. They've adjusted.

30days/mo except during 8 weeks summer visitation, and christmas break

We would love to have the kids full time. we have EOWE which amounts to about 4-6 days per month (if you count Fridays). we alternate holidays, and 2 weeks on and off in the summer. We would rather have the kids than "time off", but their BM is sure happy for the "time off". However, the adjustment for the kids takes 1 night - 3 days depending on the BS BM has put on them. Then the behavior issues, listening issues, and sadness of the kids for only having a couple days. We have discipline and are educated and successful people. The BM is ruining their education and upbringing with no rules and no respect for education and it kills us to sit around and watch 2 smart boys go down the tubes for money and to hurt my DH. Those out there that really want a break, if your kids have a loving dad or mom that does want them, give them to them. I am sure they would rather see the kids, it wouldn't be a burden, and they probably wouldn't even ask for payment from you!
Struck a nerve, so here's my thoughts for the day!

We get the kids EOW, so 4 days a month.

Sorry to say but here, EOWE is torture because all we try to do is reverse damage from her mom and it stresses us out for days before and after the visits. It would be easier if we had SD6 more actually as we could work more on her behaviors and poor academics.

It takes 4-5 days to "prep" for visits and 4-5 days post to detox from them.

It used to be 1st 3rd and 5th, then it stopped happening at all when they tired of having rules and preferred to hang out with their loser buddies. unless the skid called and wanted something, we didn't hear from them.

They always call around birthday and Christmas to see what they are getting. The older the kids, they just have faded away.

Probably the most annoying thing is the unnecessary mess they make. They really like wiping blood on the wall for some reason. I guess they think it freaks me out.

Now the annoying thing is when BM wants to kick out ss17 repeatedly and he calls to see if he can stay here again and again. We tried that 2 months and he couldn't live with simple rules so he dropped out of high school. Then he wanted to come back after telling me to f off.

Yes, for the days they were here, it was easier to feed and entertain them and send them home and not sweat the small stuff.

So I get the part about picking your battles and anyone dealing with a spouse or Significant Other with kids probably have learned this early on, however if parents start allowing the fact that they only have the kids EOW and to let stuff slide I think we are condoning the "guilty Daddy" syndrome and I disagree with that. Structure, discipline and respecting our home when they are present should not be based on the number of days they are here.

Whateva