"Do you honestly wish your dh would just not bother with visitation?"

Sometimes, yes. I didn't always feel like this though. Ss stopped visiting for about 3 years. Dh didn't push or force him. During that time life went on. Just last year ss started visiting again, only this time he has 3 halfsiblings to deal with. Since we have kids, we also have rules and expectations. Our lives are chaotic Nd busy and most often does not revolve around ss. Ss doesn't like visiting. He would love coming if we had no kids but we do. Ss doesn't respect his dad. He uses dh. If his dad isn't spending money on him, taking him places HE wants to go and isn't catering to him then he gets annoyed. Dh wants visitation...just not eow. (we live 2 hrs away). But the other option would be once a month and EVERY holiday. I'm not having that! Besides, during long stretches of time dh gets tired of him (for lack of a better term). He jut doesn't know what to do with him and really can't be himself when ss is here that long. plus I leave all things ss related to dh so he gets worn out having to take care of ss. So, all that to say yeah, I kind of really look forward to a time when ss stops visiting. And I think dh secretly wishes the same thing too.

That's kind of dh's thing...this isn't the first time she's tried to take ss during dh's time. In he past he'd let her but then it became almost every visitation she had an excuse. Before he knew it ss stopped visiting at all. Ss didn't visit for about 3 years. They finally went to mediation last year and dh got a new schedule implemented. Even now she tries to keep him on dh's time but now dh is putting his foot down because he feels she'll take advantage again and ss will start missing visits again.

Dh has already talked to ss about missing things. He told ss if he could get him to certain things hen he would but that dh's time with him was his time. A few months ago dh bent over backwards to get ss to his schools's homecoming festivities which fell on dh's weekend. Dh spent the entire weekend
(without me and kids) in ss's town (with mil) so ss wouldn't
miss it as he looks forward to it every year.

And as I told dh before this, is that kids will miss events. Even kids in 'intact' families will miss things because other things come up. Why should it be different with him?

Oh, also my fault...I know I said the party was in our town. But it is really in a smalltown close to us. It would still be 20miles each way to the party. I said our town because it is still in our area and not in the town ss lives which is 2 hrs away. So, if dh dropped off and picked up, he would have to drive 20 min there and back then do it again later. He doesn't want to run around and miss his oher son's first bball game. I honestly don't see the big deal in him missing. My bd has missed 3 bday parties first semester! We had other plans and it didn't work out. Sometimes it just doesn't work out.

Right. But be lives with bm. He sees his grandparetns and cousins on a daily basis. The LAST thing we are doing is keeping him away from bm's family. He probably sees these cousins and relatives more than bm! Most of bm's side of he family live in he same town as ss, he goes to school with his cousins. Anoher thing is if roles were reversed and our kids were having a party or one if dh's relatives had something on bm's time then bm wouldn't let ss come. It's happened before.

THIS is actually my issue. It wasn't about should or shouldn't ss go to the party. It's about ss being resentful because he's having to go to the game instead of a party and taking it out on bs. Also, ss has issues with bs. Jealousy mostly. I think dh thinks if they spend more time around each other than ss will be more accepting. Whatever. Dh is also weird when it comes to family time. Not weird really. He just likes doing things as a family on he weekends. I'm a sahm so weekends I prefer to veg out and relax, but dh always makes plans in his head for us all to do things- go to he mall, out to eat, etc. When ss visits he tries to do something will ALL of us. So not having ss with him at ds game is kind of breaking his fantasy in a way? It's not every day he gets to have ALL his kids together so when he gets the chance he takes it.

EXACTLY!! Dh has visitation starting every 1,3,5th Friday. How hard is it to look at a calendar? She KNEW it was dh's weekend yet got ss hopes up for nothing. She does that often. Labor day weekend she told ss all about plans they had to go to the lake and go fishing on hat Sunday..got him all excited- forgetting the fact that dh didn't have to take him back til Monday. The last few days we had him for Christmas break bm and her mom kept calling ss telling him who was over, what they were doing and 'are you sure your dad can't bring you back early?' Any instance bm has to make dh look bad she takes it boh, and get this, her email to dh said 'when we were planning his party we didn't realize it was in your weekend'. We? If she had a hand in planning this party then she should've planned it when she knew her son could be there. And yes, if it was a funeral or wedding then it'd be different, but it's a bday party!

Thanks! And you are SO right!

Well it still might happen since this weekend's visit was a good one! (...so far)

You won't see a post from me complaining my ss stopped visiting his teen years. Quite the opposite! I help dh keep his visits regularly and help him when dealing with bm. However it wouldn't bother me a bit if ss stopped visiting. Sorry. Oh, and as I posted, ss is fine. Has been extremely pleasant. We had a busy day as a family and ss had fun. Dh has no regrets on his decision.

That is exactly what I told dh after he already replied to her. We feel the same way too- that she does these things on purpose just to make dh look bad. How sad is that. Dh also thinks that some things are more of a big deal to bm than it is to ss. This isn't the first time ss has acted like something doesn't boner him as much as bm made it out to be.